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Message 55, “Redemption Tales: Living as Easter People”, 4-24-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Woody Allen, the famous comedian and filmmaker, once said, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work and my reputation.  I want to achieve immortality by simply not dying!” And his plaintive hope, I think, is why many people celebrate the Easter holiday.  We are told that Jesus died on the cross, was buried for three days and then came back to life – he was resurrected – in order to prove the power of God to defeat the ultimate obstacle we all face in life……its end.  Many Christians assert that while the Cross is a great symbol of their faith, without the empty tomb, their religion would be irrelevant.  The promise of an eternal afterlife would be false.

On Easter Sunday of all days, I do not want to argue the merits of such claims – whether or not Jesus’ empty tomb was a historical reality or not.  Nor will I discuss whether or not there is a Heaven that awaits us.  Indeed, we will all one day learn the answer to that question.  What I assert, is that such discussions are themselves irrelevant to Easter or any other day.  Easter is ultimately about life and it does us no good to think about tombs or death.  We each have before us many, many days ahead to consider the here and now, this world and our very lives.  What will we make of today?  How will we learn, grow and change in order to create a better future for ourselves and the world around us?   How can we live as an Easter people?

In the song we just sang, are the words:… in our time there is infinity and in our lives, there is eternity.  As incongruous as those words are, however, lies what I believe is the Easter message and what Jesus himself taught.  In his first words on the public scene, Jesus declared that the kingdom of God is here!  The possibilities of justice, peace, gentleness, humility, generosity, tolerance and equality – the very ethics of the Divine One – are available right now, right here, in each of us.  In our time right now is the infinite possibility to create heaven on earth.

And that is how Jesus lived his life – to defeat the powers of death and destruction that practiced racism, hatred, violence, intolerance, hypocrisy and greed.  As a person, Jesus reached out to the marginalized members of society – to women, to children, to the homeless, the poor, the sick, the depressed, the lame, the lepers and those considered on the fringe.  He taught ethics of compassion, of gentleness, of kind words, of patience, of generosity and of peace.  His call to his followers and to us was to help him usher in the kingdom of God now – to resurrect and change ourselves for the better so that we can then, in turn, bring about a more just and peaceful world.

In my mind, there are two Easters we could potentially celebrate today.  One is the Easter of dogmatic certainty and absolute belief.  We may, in this instance, believe in the man-made Easter of religion which asserts that this day celebrates the historical reality of Jesus’ literal resurrection from the dead.  On this day nearly two-thousand years ago, we can assert that he became the Christ – the One in whom we must believe, in order to obtain immortality.

Or, there is a second Easter which I believe reflects that which the man Jesus actually taught.  This is the Easter of change, of growth, and of re-birth.  This is the Easter that asserts change and resurrection are what life is all about.  Are we willing to alter the way we think, act, or speak for the better?  Are we willing to be more kind, generous, humble and compassionate?  Can we dig into our souls and open up the dark and cobweb filled tombs of our minds and our hearts – to new life and a new outlook?  Abraham Lincoln once said that he did not think much of a person who was not wiser today than he or she was yesterday.  Leo Tolstoy, the Russian author, said on the subject, “Everyone thinks of changing the world but no one thinks of changing himself or herself.”

To be an Easter person involves, I believe, a willingness to constantly grow for the better.  How might I learn to be more tolerant of others?  How might I understand how I hold onto subtle but very real forms of racism, sexism, or homophobia?  How can I change the way I act and speak in order to be more gentle and loving toward family, friends and strangers?  How can I embrace life itself to find simple joys and pleasures – to alter the way I think so that I am not depressed, negative or frustrated?  I want to become an Easter person – not perfect by any means – but one who is evolving and who is open to personal resurrection.

I once heard a story about a woman named Mable who lived in a nursing home.  She was bent over and confined to a wheelchair   Due to a debilitating stroke, she could not speak, she was partially paralyzed and one side of her mouth hung open such that she constantly drooled.  One day a therapist decided to see if Mable was aware of the world around her and could understand what others said to her.  The therapist patiently explained to Mable how she could point with one finger to letters on an alphabet board and thus spell out words in order to communicate.  And then the therapist asked her how she was feeling.  Very slowly, Mable pointed to a long series of letters on the board which finally spelled out, “I am alive.  There are people who care about me.  My children visit me often.  Life is beautiful!”

Who among us does not hope to evolve to the point where we truly live out the Easter ethic of joy and happiness with life itself?

As I have said in here before, Jesus called us to live by one very simple rule – to speak, act and treat our neighbors – our fellow human beings – as we too wish to be treated.  And if that is an ethic upon which all morality rests – since a variation of the Golden Rule is found in nearly all of the world religions – than it is incumbent upon us to find ways to live that out.  We must walk our talk.  And to do so, we must constantly and closely examine our inner selves to find ways to improve.

Marianne Williamson, a well-known spiritual commentator, wrote in one of her books, “Personal transformation can and does have global effects. As we go, so goes the world, for the world is us. The revolution that will save the world is ultimately a personal one.” For me, this is another lesson and the meaning of Easter.  It is not to celebrate the notion that death has been conquered and that we will live forever.  I believe Easter is about the present lives and a celebration of our work to resurrect ourselves, our families, our communities and our world.  We seek to redeem them, as I have discussed the past two weeks, in order to turn something bad into something good.  Let my anger be turned to gentleness.  Let my greed be turned to generosity.  Let my compassion help build a more just world.

Before I conclude my message this morning, please stand together, as you are able, to sing with me a traditional Easter hymn, “Jesus Christ is Risen Today.”  In doing so, I hope we will consider the words as personally relevant to us right now – how will the ethics and teachings of Jesus and of the Golden Rule be risen today in our hearts and minds?  Let us sing together…

My dear and beloved friends, Easter as a holiday is about hope for an unknown future.  It is about embracing life now and the potential within us to be ever-resurrected.  In the bulb there is a flower waiting to burst forth.  In the tomb of our souls, there is a new and even more beautiful person waiting to be born – to love in new ways, to give even more generously, to act and speak with even greater compassion.  In order to redeem this holiday – to resurrect it into something greater than its mere focus on a defeat of death – let us resolve to make it about an end to what is dead inside of us.  Might I challenge each one of us – and I am at the head of that line – to resurrect one part of us in the hours, days and weeks ahead?  Can we take one important area of our lives and see it from an opposite perspective?  If we are liberal in our politics, might we consider our world from a conservative’s viewpoint.  And if we are conservative, can we do likewise?  If we are a person of strong faith, can we think as an Atheist, for just a while?  And as an Atheist, can we consider the beliefs of those who honor the Bible, the Torah or the Quran?  If we have angry thoughts towards someone else, can we think loving thoughts of that person?  If we are depressed, might we seek positive and joyous ways of thinking?  If we believe in a certain way of life, lifestyle, or we eat certain foods, can we undertake a serious effort to see life and how we act from the opposite point of view?  Will we, right now, promise to ourselves to be open to resurrection in how we think, act, talk and believe?  I do not ask for change simply to prove we can.  I encourage change for the sake of empathy towards others, for understanding of different thoughts and opinions and for personal growth.  If I seriously undertake such an effort, will I become a strong conservative, a vegan or a perfectly loving individual?  Perhaps not.  But perhaps I might.  What I seek for myself and for all of us on this Easter is to embrace the power of its meaning.  Let us be open to change.  Let us accept the challenge of growth and learning.  May we – each day of our lives – seek personal resurrection.  And may we do so not merely to be better people but so that we can go out and impact our world for the better.  More love, more justice, more kindness, more humility. More resurrection of our hearts and minds.  In doing these things, we will truly be an Easter people!

Message 54, “Redemption Tales: Passover and How We Honor Our Past”, 4-17-11

Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 04-17-11

In a hushed South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission hearing in 1996, a Black mother tearfully spoke of her son.  She recounted her son’s birth, his success in school and his growing bitterness, as he grew into a teenager, of the apartheid regime.  She feared for him because of his seething anger.  One night her front door was knocked down, white security police rushed inside and took away her son.  A few days later she was summoned to claim her son’s body.  She recounted finding him so bruised, bloodied and riddled with 19 bullets that she could barely recognize him.  Her memories overwhelmed her and most on the panel and those in the audience wept quietly.  “I do not know if I can forgive,” she said.  “I must know who did this to my son.  When I see the face of the one who killed him, and he tells me why, then perhaps I can forgive.”

A week later, an ex security police officer, appearing before the Commission, read from a prepared text, “We blindfolded them and took them to a stone quarry outside the town. We hung Subject Number 1 upside down from a tree branch and lit a fire under him. When his hair burned he screamed a lot, then told us everything. The others also confessed. After that, we shot them. Our report said they had resisted arrest.”   The families of the victims were sitting only a few feet away.  They finally heard what had happened to their sons and brothers.  The truth had been told.

I hesitate opening a spring holiday message with such a disturbing story.  What I hope it reveals, however, is the power of telling, understanding and ultimately redeeming the past.  The South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission, working from 1996 to 1998 has been criticized for its emphasis on truth finding, confession, amnesty and reconciliation as opposed to punishment and determining guilt.  But it has also been highly praised because, unlike the Nuremburg Trials at the end of World War Two, this commission did not seek retribution as much as restoration and reconciliation.  Echoing the words of Jesus, it lived out the idea that the truth will set one free.  In South Africa, both victims and victimizers were, in their own ways, liberated from the shackles of their past.  In return for confession and truth telling of their past crimes, perpetrators were granted amnesty from criminal conviction.  What had been a horrible episode in human history became something greater than mere evil.  It was transformed and redeemed precisely because it was brought into the light and not buried as something shameful and unworthy of discussion.

I believe that we cannot learn from our past if we do not seek its reality and find a way to memorialize it so that it will not be forgotten.  The South African Commission produced a five volume report that detailed all that it had learned – much of it confessed and previously unknown – so that the reality of apartheid can never be denied and will be studied far into the future.  Robert Penn Warren, a noted American poet, once said that “The lack of a sense of history is the damnation of the modern world.” And Ken Burns, the famous documentary film maker, added, “History really isn’t about the past and settling old scores.  It is about defining the present and who we are.”

And so, as we sit here on the eve of Passover which begins for Jewish people tomorrow evening, I hope to think about how we might apply the meaning of that holiday into our own lives.  Ultimately, Passover or Pesach, as it is known in Hebrew, is about redemption and honoring one’s individual and communal past through remembering and re-enacting.  It is about looking at the past as a way to learn, unite, teach and offer hope for the future.  Each of us have memories of our own past – some good and some full of pain.  We also carry legacies from our ancestors and our communities that are known to us only through stories or the history book.  Each of these memories have value, they are important, and they should be re-told.

And that is the essential lesson of the Passover holiday.  Jews around the world celebrate their common heritage.  But the celebration speaks a louder spiritual truth, I believe, of the importance of remembering and honoring the past in order to transform it into useful memories for our present and future.   If we cannot, in some fashion, acknowledge and understand who we are and where we come from – as well as the good and bad in our past – we will remain wayward and undefined souls with no direction.  For Jews the world over, Passover defines who they are as a people, both collectively and individually.

The holiday is also a time for coming together.  In many places, Jews celebrate the holiday in large settings with hundreds of others.  On this one occasion, they set aside their differences to unite in a time of remembrance.  For today, for this one moment in time, let us also put aside our differences and live out the ideals of Passover.  I hope we will meditate on such ideas this morning as we participate in a partial Passover Seder and later join in a community meal of celebration.

The book of Exodus in the Bible says about Passover, “And this day shall be for you for a memorial, and you shall keep it as a feast; throughout your generations you shall keep it a feast forever.”  The holiday’s specific purpose is to remember and celebrate the past as a way to find hope for the future.  As many of you know, the Biblical myth or story of Exodus tells us that thousands of Jews were held as slaves in Egypt until Moses, chosen by God to be the Jewish leader, led them out of their bondage.

And Moses, by all accounts, was a diffident and insecure man.  He was adopted and raised within Pharaoh’s palace only to later discover his true Jewish heritage.  He fled the comforts of Cairo to be a sheep herder and then had a burning bush encounter with God.  He argued with the Divine One about his ability and worthiness to be a leader but he ultimately agreed and returned to confront Pharaoh in a series of events designed to showcase the power of Yahweh over a multitude of Egyptian deities.

The ten plagues visited upon Egypt by God, acting through Moses, were intended to convince both Egyptian and Jew that God is real and that he has the power to control nature.  The Nile is turned to blood, infestations of frogs and locusts are created, cattle die by the thousands, daylight is turned into night, skin infections spread and, finally, first born offspring of humans and livestock are condemned to death.  Once again, the power of the story about Ten Plagues is not in whether it is literal history or not, but in the lessons of the myth.  Humans, in their arrogance, assume they are all powerful.  We learn, instead, that nature and its forces are far more capable.

With the tenth plague that Moses brought upon Egypt, that all first born males should die, Pharaoh was finally convinced and allowed the Jews to flee.  To save their own firstborn males, however, God offered Jews a way out – they could smear their doorposts with the blood of a lamb thus signifying to the angel of death that such households should be spared.  The angel should pass over such homes.

The Jews flee from Cairo but are eventually chased by an angry Pharaoh and his armies.  Moses parts the Red Sea, allowing Jews to literally walk through the water.  Once the Jews are safely across the sea, its waters pour down upon Pharaoh and his armies, drowning and defeating them.  God showed his power, saved his faithful followers and put them on a course to return them to Palestine – the land of milk and honey.

In a commentary on human nature, the Jews began to grumble about their journey across a hot desert, the simple food they were given and their longing for the comforts of Egypt.  In ultimate defiance to God, they defied his rules – the Ten Commandments – and openly worshipped a golden calf statue – a symbol of greed, lust and non-belief.  In his anger, God condemned them to wander in the desert for forty years until all of those currently alive were dead – such that only their children would enter the Promised Land.

For Orthodox Jews, who believe in the literal history of Passover, and for Reformed Jews, who see the story as allegory and myth, the importance of the holiday is its message of redemption and remembrance.  From the pain of slavery came deliverance and redemption into a new land.  And Jews use the holiday to remember many of their past hardships – ancient slavery, their defeat by the Romans, widespread discrimination against them during the Middle Ages, the years of holocaust when six million of their number were killed and recent years of warfare, terrorism and isolation.  From each episode, they also acknowledge the good that resulted.

The holiday celebrated each year culminates in a meal of remembrance and celebration.  The Seder meal begins with each participant raising the first of four cups of wine and repeating the Exodus promise of God – that He will deliver them from their slavery.  For Jews and for us, such is not just a religious promise.  It is, as we discussed last Sunday, a promise that I believe we can all trust – that the collective human spirit works to turn bad into good.  Over the long term, evil does not prevail.  I hope you will join me now, as we re-enact a Passover Seder this morning.  (Pour wine) Let us raise our first cup of wine with a toast to the ideal that in each of us is goodness, that we are to work to create a better world and that the arc of human progress is, as Martin Luther King, Jr. once said, a long one, but it bends towards justice and goodness.  To that promise, let us raise a toast!

Throughout a Seder meal, the Passover story is told and reinterpreted to bring meaning and value to the present.  After the first cup, participants are reminded of the ancient enslavement and of other past trials.  At this time, matza bread is passed to each person – symbolizing the unleavened bread Jews were forced to make at the first Passover.  They had no time to allow the bread to rise.  It is eaten with a bitter herb, as a symbol of past hardships.  For us, let us too eat matza with a bit of horseradish to memorialize times in our own pasts when we have faced adversity – illness, loss, discrimination, depression, hatred.  We have each dealt with such stings in our lives.  (Pass matza and horseradish) Let us eat the bitter herb in remembrance of that time and in empathy for one another and our past hurts.

And with that, let us also drink the second cup of Passover promise that we are never alone in our pain.   We have families, friends and the people of this congregation who will stand with us in time of trial.  Let us make a toast to that promise as much as we also pledge to be a source of comfort to others.  (Drink second “cup” of wine)

The Passover meal continues with further telling of the story.  At the culmination of the myth, when the angel of death passed over Jewish homes but descended on those of the Egyptians, it is told that wailing and crying was heard throughout the land.  To remember their own tears as well as to empathize with the pain of others, a vegetable, dipped in salt or saltwater, is eaten.   Karpas as it is known in Hebrew, symbolizes tears of sorrow and empathy.  Jews recall the tears of Egyptian parents discovering the death of a child, the tears of all who have been oppressed and the tears of those who mourn the loss of loved ones.   Let us eat a bit of parsley dipped in salt and let this be a symbol of our tears and our love for those from our past we hold dear and for those in our midst who suffer and cry.  They are not forgotten.  They are a part of who we are.  (Eat parsley dipped in salt)

And in this moment, let us also drink a third cup Passover toast to loved ones we remember.  (Drink “third” cup of wine) In doing so, we fulfill the promise that they are eternally redeemed – from sorrow to joy – in our memories of them and the happiness they still bring.  They are not lost to us.

Finally, as the retelling of the Passover story during a Seder meal concludes, participants are reminded of its happy ending.  The ancient Jews were saved, they were delivered out of bondage and they were brought to a land of promise that flowed with milk and honey.  At this point in the meal, more matza is passed around along with charoset – a sweet mixture of apples, nuts and honey – to symbolize celebration and joy.  Jews remember their collective happiness at the founding of the nation of Israel as well as individual joys found in marriages, births, anniversaries and other momentous life events.  Out of pain comes healing.  Out of darkness comes light.  In this symbolic recreation of redemption, Jews and non-Jews embrace the spiritual truth of good in our world – that there is love in the human heart, that life is not uniformly full of hurt, that in community we find support and caring for one another, that collectively humans work for social justice and a better creation.   As they eat the matza and sweet apple mixture and drink the fourth cup of wine – and let us follow suit – Jews proclaim L’chaim! to each other.  L’chaim! We proclaim to one another.  To Life!  To Health!  To Joy!  (Eat the matza and apple mix and drink “fourth” cup)

I believe, my friends, that in order to be content and happy in our lives, we must both understand and redeem our past.  Both collectively and individually, there is great value in learning about and honoring the good and the bad events and people in our histories.  By remembering the past, we come together, we learn from each other, we preserve our history by retelling it, we avoid repeating past mistakes by learning from them, we establish a common identity and we find ways to turn bad into good.  We act as little gods to redeem our world.

Ultimately, as the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission proved – and as the documentarian Ken Burns pointed out – by understanding and remembering our past we learn about ourselves.  What legacies do we carry with us that determine how we act?  What evil lurks in the hearts of all people such that we can learn how to be better?  What memories do each of us have – good and bad – such that they help us understand and celebrate who we are?  Passover is a beautiful holiday not just for its religious meaning but for its wonderfully humanist perspective.  It acknowledges the hurt, pain and evil that exists in our world and in ourselves but it celebrates the hope that such things are not permanent.  Love, family, community, charity, kindness, generosity and hope are so much stronger.

As we sit here this morning and as we will soon share a meal together, we present a wonderful image of tolerance and love.  While we are not perfect, this is not a false image.  With a Passover mindset, many of us are here because we find goodness and redemption here.  We find a place to feel whole, a place to be true to ourselves and a place to imperfectly work out our vision of a better and more just world.  That is why spiritual communities exist – to heal and empower ourselves to be better people – so that we can then serve others.  This is not a holy huddle, the “frozen chosen” or a museum of self-righteous saints.  This is a hospital for flawed but deeply lovable souls.  And I am one of the patients most in need.  We invoke and remember our past – much as is done during Passover – in order to learn, grow and heal.

Let us be a Passover people – those who come together!  Together!  Together! – to remember and redeem our past, to honor it and to collectively work for and hope for a brighter future.

Message 52, Cinematic Spirituality, 127 Hours and Unleashing Our Hidden Strengths, 3-20-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

(Please see the end of this message for a transcript from a member of the Gathering, given in the form of an interview after the message was delivered.)

Many of us know the story of the gay rugby player, a determined flight attendant and a traveling salesman father of two who came together to thwart the efforts of terrorists to crash a plane into our nation’s capitol.  After the plane’s pilot had been brutally killed, these people somehow found the ability to fight back and confront knife wielding terrorists.  They were not going to die without a fight.  Or, we know the story of a runaway slave who travelled hundreds of miles by herself, in the dead of winter, crossing rivers and scaling mountains, all to reach freedom.  She then turned back in order to guide other escaping slaves on the same route.  This woman tapped into some inner power to determine her own destiny.  Or, we might know the story of a Canadian sixteen year old girl named Megan McNeil, diagnosed with a rare from of cancer when she was a child, who has fought against her disease for all her life.  She wrote a best-selling song that raised millions for childhood cancer research.  Harriet Tubman, the escaped slave of whom I just spoke, once said, “Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”

What power and ability was within each of these people enabling them to confront such terrible obstacles?  What miracle of strength did they find inside to fight, to persevere and ultimately to conquer life itself?  In each of us, I believe, lies hidden unlocked strengths that enable us to face the challenges of life.  Such unleashed strengths empower us to survive and live in ways that grow and stretch us.  We are able to engage life as active participants – captains of our own ships – instead of as bystanders who simply endure.  We do not sit in heaven’s waiting room biding time until death.  We build a form of heaven here and now – for ourselves and for others.  This is not success as the world defines it in terms of money, power or health.  It is, indeed, success of the spirit and of that inner resolve to live with joy, fulfillment, empathy and positive thinking.

As we continue our examination of current films which might speak to us on a spiritual level, today we will examine the film “127 Hours”.   In the film, we watch the struggle to survive of someone who not only came to terms with his own successes and failures in life, but who reached deep within himself to find those inner qualities of calm, determination, gratitude, and joy.

One of the title slides in the movie, as we just saw, presents the simple aphorism: “There is no force stronger in the universe than the will to live.” And, if you will indulge me, I add to that my own belief that our desire in life is not just to exist but to thrive! Deep within our inner being is a yearning to love and be loved.  There is a hope for the future, a gratitude for all that we have been given, and an ability to enjoy simple pleasures like good food, intimacy with another, and recreation.  There is also, most importantly, a desire for peace and a powerful voice that tells us we are powerful, capable and intelligent.  Each of those hidden qualities are within us.  Our task, as we face the inevitable challenges, trials and setbacks in life, is to discover and then unleash those hidden strengths.

The most common reaction to what the main character does in the film “127 Hours” is, according to the director Danny Boyle, the statement, “I could never do that!” And his immediate response to people is, “Of course you could.  We all can.” I don’t think I will spoil the movie, should any of you choose to see it, by telling you that it depicts the true story of a young man who finds himself alone, stranded in the middle of nowhere and with his arm smashed and pinned underneath a large boulder.  After 127 hours of life examination and introspection, he summons that inner will to survive and he amputates his own arm with a dull knife.  He then repels down cliffs – using only one arm – and hikes for many miles until he is rescued.  It is a true story – one that could have ended tragically but which is uplifting not just because the young man survived, but because he found the keys to his inner core.   He survived this extreme difficulty and found himself.  With only one arm, he has now climbed 55 of the tallest mountains in North America, gotten married, fathered a child, written a book and established himself as a motivational speaker.

What I want most in life is to live not just for the gusto but with emotional contentment that I can only find inside of me.  And such strength will empower me to overcome the difficulties that I know await me.  Too often, I think my external circumstances are what will make me happy and what will get me through hardships – where I live, the friends I have, the events in my life.  I am slowly but surely coming to understand such is not the case.  Happiness and strength are found not outside of me nor can they be given to me.   I can only find them within.

People who have lived through a significant challenge say that to survive life, and to unlock our hidden strengths, we must search for those emotional and psychological abilities I believe we all have – what I call our three “P’s”.  We each have within us an inner reservoir of peace.  We each have the ability to see life with a positive attitude.  And we each are able to be persistent in finding the means to survival and happiness.  Three P’s:  peace, positive attitude and persistence are the hidden strengths within us.

One of the benefits of the Bible is its many stories and examples of those who do find peace in the midst of trial.  While Jesus is depicted as the perfect example of one who faced death with strength and calm, Paul manifested his own abilities to be at peace.  He says at one point, writing to the Philippian church while he was imprisoned, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation.” Paul offers himself as a model to other Christians who faced persecution because of their beliefs – in his life he was repeatedly beaten and imprisoned for his efforts to spread the news of Jesus to a Roman world.  He was shipwrecked and near death during one of his trips.  He faced down an angry mob furious at him for proselytizing in the midst of Jewish Jerusalem.  He was finally sentenced to die – supposedly by beheading – for his beliefs and efforts.  And yet, he found himself able to be content – to be at peace – in any and all of those situations.

A calm mind and peaceful demeanor are essential to life happiness and to surviving difficulties or tragedies.  Aron Ralston, the young man depicted in the movie “127 Hours”, did so.  He found himself trapped and yet he did not panic.  He refused to allow himself to become unhinged by his circumstances.  I am in awe of people like him who are at complete peace in the midst of trouble.

Last Sunday, with only ten minutes to go before services were to begin, I was dealing with a computer issue.  There would be no words to our songs if I did not get it fixed.  Bob Freer came up to me as I worked and asked me a question.  I was flustered and frustrated and so, instead of answering him calmly, I snapped my response to him instead of using the kind of voice I should use.  If I can’t peacefully deal with something relatively inconsequential, how will I handle a life or death crisis?

Friends of mine repeatedly tell me to take a deep breath and to relax when I am distressed.  And such techniques are, indeed, helpful and they are recommended by many.  At times of even greater peril, we are encouraged to meditate by focusing solely on our breathing – the in and out rhythmic pattern of slow breath.

Others tell us to think of things for which we are grateful, thus encouraging a sense of joy, gratitude and contentment – like Paul found.  Lurking deep within us is this calm and tranquil pool of cool water that centers us – if we seek it.  I know we each have it.  It is so hard for me, though, to think joyfully and peacefully in times of crisis.  When my world seemed to be falling apart several years ago after I came out, as others attacked me in pretty vicious ways, I was in such acute distress – I could not sleep, I lost a lot of weight, I worried constantly.  But, I did survive.  I did get through it.  I eventually found a way to actually thrive.  But I wish I had survived with more peace in my heart.  In times of real crisis, remaining calm might be the difference between survival and death.  Such is one lesson from the movie “127 Hours.”  Even more, however, it is a lesson for life and for our genuine happiness.  Peace is truly inside of us!  We must simply find it and set it loose.

Shortly after Aron Ralston becomes trapped, he sets out to try and free himself.  First, he takes an inventory of what he carried in his backpack.  As an engineer, he then contrived an elaborate system to try and dislodge the boulder.  Throughout his 5 day experience, he used a video recorder to keep his mind active, to record thoughts and things he wanted to say to family and friends, and to delve deeply into his own past and his own failures.  All of these actions were, I believe, part of my second P action plan – he consciously did the work to maintain a positive attitude.  This was not an unrealistic view of his situation but a rational understanding of it combined with a future focused determination to find a solution.  Yes, he got angry.  He even contemplated his own death.  But he never gave up.

In the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire, which many of you may remember occurred near here in 1977 and led to 165 deaths, many of those who survived did so because they simply acted.  Indeed, while some of the deceased were found near locked fire exits, many others of those who tragically perished were found still sitting at their tables waiting for rescue.  Those who lived had not done anything more profound than simply acting.  A great number heeded the call of one bus boy who pointed to an open exit and implored them to get up and follow him.  As Winston Churchill once said, “Continuous effort – not strength or intelligence – is the key to unlocking our potential.”

While it might be easy to ask how this shows a positive attitude, I believe it is evidence of a compelling urge to survive.  And such is reflected in the lives of those who are truly thriving and happy in life.  They dig within themselves to find the impulse to do something – to act in a way that shows hope for the future, to learn a new task, to undertake a hobby, to volunteer, to serve, to do what is necessary to, as I said earlier, build heaven here and now instead of waiting for it to miraculously appear.  To use the Biblical Paul once again as an example, at one point finding himself in prison, he joins with a friend to loudly sing joyful songs of praise to God.  He refused to succumb to the darkness of his situation and he called upon his faith to find solace and hope.  Once again, experts encourage the same – whatever we have faith in: ourselves, God, other people, the moral imagination at work in the world, we must use that faith to maintain a positive attitude – during our trials and in our very lives.

The third P in unleashing our inner strength is to show persistence.  And this, for me, involves a determination to use our minds to continuously think about life solutions.  Instead of allowing ourselves to lapse into what I call “pity parties” – affairs to which only you are invited and that echo the words of the famous song “it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to!” – we have to stay focused on the task at hand.  If it is a life and death crisis, we must quickly move into solution mode – find shelter, find food, find water, seek help.  If it is a crisis of health, we might learn all that we can about the illness and various treatments – or we might pursue mental exercises that will lead to fulfillment, peace and joy.

Whereas many animals have instinctive abilities to react with fight or flight in times of danger, as humans we have been given the ability to think and to rationally weigh our options.  Those who survive critical situations like Aron Ralston’s – and those who find inner strength to live in true joy – do so by engaging their brains.  This is not thinking about how bad the crisis is, or how bad life is, it is about reading, learning, engaging, and analyzing what can be done to survive or to make life better.

Even further, I believe we must also use persistence in self-examination.  Aron Ralston does this with brutal honesty.  And we must engage in that exercise as well.  This undertaking is not to beat ourselves up in some masochistic effort at self-defeat.  It is to use our minds to understand how we have failed, how we can learn from such failure and what can we do that is different such that success might follow.  Self-examination is never easy for it involves looking at ourselves in ways we do not like – to see ourselves in all of our naked ugliness, but then to conclude how we can be better.  Persistence in thinking rationally, in self-examination and in finding useful solutions to a dilemma, or to life, is a critical third P.

Like the subject for last week – overcoming fear, this week’s topic of unleashing our hidden strengths is one that I must re-learn over and over again.  The potential and the secret to a fulfilled, meaningful and happy life are in here – in my heart and my soul.  I will not get them from anyone or anything outside of me.    The power to survive and the ability to thrive are in my possession.  And they are in yours too.

There is such beauty and such strength in this very room.  As the Pastor here, I am so fortunate to know some of your life struggles but also each of your many strengths.  I am in awe of each of you.  I am in awe of the inner reserves found in the human spirit – to survive and to really live life with peace and contentment.  May we remember those internal reserves of peace, positive thinking and persistence.  In you, in me, in all of us, lies the strength to move mountains and, indeed, the strength to build a glorious heaven right here and right now….

Statement by a Gathering member – made in an interview after the above message:

I was born and raised in the Catholic church.  My father was in the Army and we moved every 2-3 years.  I have 2 sisters and a brother, of which I am the youngest.

At age 11, we were living in Raleigh, N.C.  There I was molested by the neighborhood bully.  I wouldn’t convey that story until 12 years later.

At age 12, we moved to Ft. Knox, Ky, and I soon discovered that I was attracted to men.  From my interpretation of the bible, I was doomed and on my way to hell.

Although I hadn’t experienced much, if any racism, I knew that there were some people in the world who hated me for the simple fact that I was black.  Now, I knew that even more people would hate me, because I was queer.  Yes, I had heard the jokes and the ridicule of effeminate men.  It seemed as if no one defended them.  So, I became devastated.  I wanted to be loved, not hated.  So now, I knew that I must live a lie because if anyone found out about me, I would just die.

I was pretty close to my siblings, but I couldn’t share this secret with them.  I often wonder why no one picked up on my femininity in my early years.  My brother would often come home with a bloody nose, bruises, fractured or broken bones, all from a day of fun.  Fun?  I didn’t think so.  I thought that fun was playing house or school with my sisters.  Dressing up in my mother’s old clothes, if dear ol’ dad wasn’t around.  I had mastered jumping rope and jacks.  Anything that my sisters did, I could do as well or better.  Those were good and fun times.

l was once a fairly popular little boy.  Now, instead of playing with my sisters or kids in the neighborhood, I relied on my HotWheels  and Matchbox car collections to keep me happy and content.  Somehow, I found inner peace and I learned to enjoy James.  I had to like me, the odds were not too many other people would.

Bullying:

At age 13, we moved to Cincinnati.  I was still in the closet as far as I knew, but I was bullied and harassed just the same.  My classmates found fault with y voice, my eyeglasses, my clothes, and even when my mother gave me a bad haircut, it gave them great pleasure.  There were so many days when I dreaded going to school.  I didn’t have any friends outside of school, so I kind of buried my nose in my school books.  I was elated when I made the ‘B’ honor roll.

In 1977 I was hired by Cinti. Bell as a directory assistance operator.  Then I became a local and long distance operator.  I loved those jobs.  In 1980, I joined the Air Force.  Over the next four years I walked very gently over eggs shells.  When I got out of the AF my job at Cinti. Bell had transferred to AT&T.

In 1987, I transferred to Jax. Fl.  I met a young man named Greg.  It was rumored that he was HIV+.  By 1992, he had developed full blown AIDS.  Family and friends had abandoned him.  I would often take Greg to the store or doctor’s office,  He had become skeletal thin and ghostly looking.  we would get all types of stares.  I would sometimes get sad just looking at him.  I promised myself that if I ever contracted that disease that I would commit suicide.  Greg passed later that year in my home.  Many years, I was diagnosed as being HIV+.  Suicidal thoughts were lingering but not at the rate that I thought that they would be.  I want to live more than I wanted to die.  I used to tell people that I was a lover, not a fighter.  Not that I was really much of either.  But if necessary, I would fight if I had to.

Sources of inner strength that have allowed me to overcome my life challenges:

Faith and prayer:

I know that some people say that God doesn’t answer their prayers.  I believe that he does.  It’s my belief that he sometimes answers no, or not yet.  I think that some people want so badly to hear yes, that they don’t hear him when he denies their requests.

In Jan 2008, I was diagnosed with anal cancer, which is in remission right now.  One of the side effects of the radiation: weakened muscles.  It appears that the muscles weaken worse in the evening hours.  That’s one of the reasons that I’m not able to join you all for book clubs and movie nights.  Depends, well they’re not always dependable.

There has been an occasion when I would feel sorry for myself.  I would wonder what more can my poor little body endure.  a tear would well up in my eye, but it would never fall.  Then I would remember what a dear friend told me a long time ago.  She said that when people experience trauma in their lives and ask why me? the is why not you.  You are no  one except another of God’s children.  Should bad things happen to other people and never to you.

On being content:

I have an AF buddy who lives in a small town in S.C.  He doesn’t have a partner, nor do I.  He’s in great health, has a decent job, and he has a lot of friends.  He always tell me how unhappy he is.  He is always depressed.  I don’t understand.  If anyone should be depressed, it’s me and I’m not.  I have a saying: I’m happy to be alive…I’m alive to be happy.

I’m a simple person.  I watch a little television, talk on the telephone, surf the internet, ad watch old 1930-1950s movies when I can.  I sometimes play with my great-nieces and nephews.  I’m no longer addicted to alcohol nor drugs.  I’m very content with life.  Suicide no longer lives in my thoughts.

Message 51, “Cinematic Spirituality: The King’s Speech and Overcoming Our Fears”, 3-13-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 03-13-11

A Pastor was once asked by his congregation to deliver an inspirational message on courage.  He thought about it a long while and, after much research and more reflection, he arrived at what he would say.  On the appointed Sunday, the congregation eagerly awaited the profound ideas he would speak.  He stood up and offered these words, “What is courage? — This is.”  And he promptly sat down without uttering another word!

In our search during March for spiritual insights from this year’s Best Picture nominated movies, I believe the film “The King’s Speech” offers some of the best.  Many critics have said the film is not so great in terms of its cinematic flourishes, its artistry or cinematography.  But, in my mind, the acting, the story and the restrained manner in which it was filmed all make it very, very good – certainly worthy of being Best Picture in 2010.

The movie is biographical and historical.  It traces the actual efforts of King George the Sixth to conquer a lifelong problem with stuttering and fear of public speaking.  The film depicts the cocooned life of royalty, the stiff-upper lip demands placed on British aristocracy and the historic crisis faced by Britain when its King abdicated the throne to marry a twice divorced American woman – all at a time when Germany and Adolf Hitler threatened the very existence of all Europe.

Bertie, as King George the Sixth was called, was crowned King after his brother gave up the throne and declared that he would pursue the woman he loved since, as King and head of the Church of England, he was unable to marry a divorced woman.

But Bertie was certainly no Knight in shining armor waiting in the wings to save the day.  He was the second son to a distant, demanding and demeaning father.  Born not to be heir to the throne but to live as a mere Prince, Bertie was raised not by his parents, whom he barely knew, but by harsh and unloving nannies.  He was essentially an abused child.  He was born with a knock kneed defect such that he wore leg braces into his teens – and thus the subject of cruel taunts.  Adding further insult, he was born left-handed and was forced by tutors to become right handed.  His father, King George the Fifth, famously stated: “My father was frightened of his mother, I was frightened of my father and I am damned well going to see that my children are frightened of me!”

Bertie stammered and stuttered from an early age.  His father railed at him to spit his words out, to act like a man and to be a proper royal.  In one infamous moment, Bertie was asked to give a speech opening London’s World Fair in 1926.  The speech was broadcast over the new media of radio.  His stutters, long pauses and a final inability to speak were painful to watch.   He was handicapped by sheer terror – of the public role forced upon him by his birth, his royal heritage and the demands of his an overly stern father.

And thus we have the basic set-up for the movie.  Bertie’s wife, concerned at her husband’s handicap and realizing he would be forced to speak even more as King, looked for experts to help.  None of them could.  She finally turned to Lionel Logue, a failed Shakespearean actor turned speech therapist and elocution teacher, who lacked any credentials as a therapist.  As a commoner and an Austrailian, Logue insisted that the Prince be treated in his shabby office, play by his unconventional rules of therapy and examine his past life of hurt and shame as the source of his fears and speech impediment.  Logue’s form of psychoanalysis and speech therapy worked.  Bertie improved – not fully conquering his stuttering but nevertheless facing his fears and slowly overcoming them with determination and Logue’s continued guidance.

In the climactic scene, King George the Sixth – Bertie, spoke to a frightened nation in need of their King’s reassuring words on the very day that England declared war on Germany.  He succeeded in a halting but effective manner.  His success helped to calm and rally Britain.  Indeed, the courage manifested in this speech was later shown by the King and his wife in the coming months when they refused to leave London while it was bombed by the German air force – killing thousands.  This shy, unassuming, stuttering King, stood as a symbol of the courageous English spirit at its darkest hour.

It is this theme, of overcoming fear, that I believe the movie speaks to us so eloquently.  All of us have had to struggle with fear in some form.  Indeed, as the famous author and playwright George Bernard Shaw once said, “In this world there is only one universal passion: fear.” But how do we overcome our fears which are human responses to what we think and perceive will happen to us in the future?  As we all know, reaction to fear is hard wired into us as a self-protective mechanism – the fight or flight response induced by a massive flooding of adrenaline into our bloodstreams.  The brain, sensing danger, alerts the adrenal glands to excrete its hormone and thus stimulate the body to action – run away or stand and fight.

Experts tell us that it is in our perceptions and thoughts of a given situation that fears arise.  We see a snake, for instance, and our mind tells us that they are potentially dangerous, they could bite or wrap themselves around us, and thus we react with emotion and fear.  If it is in our perception of what might happen to us, then experts tell us that treatment comes with cognitive change – we must alter our thoughts and perceptions that created the fear.  And we must be on guard not to be tricked by our worrisome thoughts – they are like con artists fooling us into believing what we think will happen to us is literal truth.

Our fears, therefore, so often exert their influence over our lives – holding us back from our potential.  Fear of intimacy and love too often prevent us from deep and meaningful relationship.  As we discussed last month, fears of singleness and independence cause many to pursue unhealthy relationships or to cling dependently on another.  Indeed, general fears of life, of adequacy and of fulfillment lead some to addictions – drowning their fears in alcohol or drugs.  For others, fear of conflict, hurt and pain lead to closeted, frustrated and often empty lives.   Facing our fears is essential for peace, meaning and purpose.  As one who still battles the pressing weight of fear, it is not just courage I need but a clear mind and a soul that yearns to change.

Therapists thus encourage people to keep an open mind about fearful thoughts.  We have to be honest and examine them with objectivity.  For instance, “Ok.  I see a snake.  Now, is it likely that the snake will attack me?  If so, what if I slowly move away from it?  Is the snake even dangerous to me?  Such thoughts are essential for they lead a person away from an immediate fight or flight scenario.  On a more personal level, if I fear intimacy, how is it that a close relationship will change my life?  How likely is it the other person will hurt me?    What are the possibilities for real joy that come from love?  Do the benefits of a relationship outweigh the risks?  Cognitive change and calm analysis are essential but difficult to practice.  It takes time and effort to change the way we think especially with some of our most persistent fears.

Bertie, or the King, likely had to slowly alter his thinking about what might happen when he spoke.  Instead of fearing shame and humiliation – or the taunting words of his father and others – he might have gradually understood that most people are quietly rooting for a public speaker to succeed.

As Bertie found instances of success, he could have then thought about those past events and reassured himself that he was capable of speaking clearly and without humiliation.  Such memories are key in reassuring ourselves that fears of what might happen are frequently irrational.  Sensitizing ourselves to fearful situations – for instance spending time with harmless snakes – can lead us to understand that exaggerated emotions are wrong and irrational.  We will be OK.  We will be safe if we do not react without thinking.  As President Franklin Roosevelt famously stated to our nation in the depths of the 1930’s economic depression, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Interestingly, the Buddhist method of mind control and meditation offers a spiritual remedy to fear also found in western cognitive therapy.  As one habituates oneself to a fear – thinking about it and facing it head on – one learns to control and deal rationally with one’s emotional response.  This is mind control – consciously encouraging one’s own brain to slow down, relax, and think through a given situation in an honest manner.  And, of course, Buddhists also encourage a proactive approach to eliminating fear – by discarding worldly desires which lead to a fear of loss of the very things we desire.

Christian faith also offers some usefulness through cognitive change and mind control.  For those who have a strong faith in God and Jesus Christ, repeating to oneself that the Divine One is ultimately in control, can offer great peace.  This is best exemplified in Psalm 23, “Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me.  Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Whatever our thoughts about faith, spiritual prayer, contemplation, and Scripture reading offer to many people genuine peace and freedom from fear.

And all of this leads me to my own life example of conquering fear.  As I watched the movie “The King’s Speech”, I could not help but see glimpses of my own life played out.  Indeed, I sometimes see my life as one long battle with fear – and thus withholding parts of myself.  With relationships, I too long feared seeking what was true for me.  In my work, I have often feared being assertive.  Many of my fears result from my own failures to act and to think rationally about myself and my worries.  But one overriding fear in my life rings true with what Bertie faced as well – fears of my father’s voice, his opinion and his disapproval.

Without wanting to unfairly disparage my dad, whom I love very much, he is a dominant figure in my life.  As a more sensitive and non-athletic young man, I was likely not the ideal son he would have liked.  My dad is an archetypical macho man.  He was very athletic in his youth – playing on the football and baseball teams and excelling at them.  I, however, was not born with high levels of eye-hand coordination.  I find throwing a ball or swinging a bat difficult.  I prefer sports like swimming and running.  I am also soft-spoken in contrast to my dad’s booming voice.  I prefer quiet discussion instead of verbal confrontation and I am, by nature, an introvert.

All these qualities were not taken well by my father.  Some of his comments to me as a young boy and teenager still echo in my mind: “Grow up!”  “Act like a man!”  “Don’t be a sissy!”  “Why do you throw a ball like a girl?”  And such comments from my father combine in my memory with taunts I heard at school  – words like “faggot”, “queer” and “sissy”.  Before I even knew I was gay, the collective gaydar of my father and other boys had essentially labeled me as such.

These youth experiences of mine led me to my own internal homophobia.  I was scared to death of being gay.  I hated even thinking that I might be gay.  I lived for over twenty years – from teenage years into my forties – deeply in the closet and panicked that I would be found out.  I was even so afraid of being gay that I tried with all my might not to be – I got married, fathered children and became overtly religious.  Fear of myself and of my truth, ended up hurting others as much it hurt me.

Coming out nearly seven years ago was my own act of shouting, as Bertie does in the movie, “I have a voice!” But that episode in my life was not easy nor without its own fears.  How would the world now treat a gay Doug Slagle?  How would my daughters – whom I love so very, very much – react?  What would my parents – and my father most of all – say?

My process of facing fears has never been easy.  They can be so debilitating.  Ultimately for me, I rationally concluded that the possible pain I feared could not be worse than life lived with worry and doubt.   The depression, loneliness and sense of emptiness that often haunted me because of my fears are now receding into a distant past.

As I came out, I understood some of my fears were irrational.  I would survive.  While some people abandoned me, others did not.  My daughters embraced me with love and support.  I found new friends and a new church all of whom affirmed me and helped me understand that being gay is not something to be feared but rather embraced and celebrated as another part of a diverse humanity.

My father still looms large in my life.  He is, at heart, a very good man who has done a lot of wonderful things in this world.  Over the last year and a half, he has accepted Ed and been extremely nice to him.  Just over a week ago, my parents concluded a two week stay with Ed and me – when they daily had to confront the fact that their son lives with another man.  They were gracious and kind.

But my dad can still make disparaging comments and he still finds it hard to accept me as a man in my own right.  As much as he attends the Gathering when he is in town, he sometimes cannot let go of himself and show interest in my messages.  Such slights often hurt but they are a part of who he is and how he too was raised.  My fears of him have diminished as I have altered how I think about him – to forgive him, to understand him, to realize I am ultimately in control of my life.  I do have a voice.  After so many years living in fear of myself, my father and what others might think of me, I am now a reasonably happy man.

And happiness, my friends, is what life is all about.  We are here to pursue it as much as we are here to provide it and assist others in finding it.  Happiness comes with personal fulfillment and freedom from want and freedom from fear.  So much suffering in our world comes as a result of fear – both from within our minds and as a result of outside forces.  And we must work to reduce the hurts and fears others face – fears of hunger, poverty, war and disease.  But how much human potential is locked away in any of us because of fear – to share love, to serve others, to work and live in truth?

My friends, Madame Curie once said, “Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.” Let us understand ourselves and our minds.  Let us examine with clear minds past hurts and traumas.  May we let go of fear and realize the life possibilities that lie so tantalizingly close.  It is often said that the fear of death diminishes the joy of life.  But our fears can be overcome through simple courage – courage to understand our fear filled emotions, courage to see them as potentially irrational, courage to embrace, to engage, to confront, and to be who we were created to be.  Such acts of bravery are never easy but they speak with power.  It is in the small acts of life that we are heroic – like overcoming a stutter, or coming out, or finding and giving away love.  The everyday hero is not free of fear – he or she has simply faced it with honesty.  May each of us shine brightly as beautiful, capable and wondrously created souls free of fear…

Message 50, “Cinema Spirituality: ‘Black Swan’ and the Battle of Good and Evil”, 3-6-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 03-06-11

If you have been attending the Gathering over the past year – and not falling asleep during my messages – you will recall that we have looked to a number of sources to find spiritual insight.  I hope that reflects the fact that life itself is a spiritual concern and everything we do is important in terms of finding meaning or purpose.  We’ve found spiritual truths in poetry, nature, baseball, native-Americans and in comic book superheroes – to name a few.  About a year ago, we looked at popular movies to see if there were topics or themes in them from which we might learn.  And so I decided to mine that particular resource once again.  What cinematic verities in 2011 can we find that speak to us on a spiritual level?  I hope there are at least three – what we will look at in upcoming Sundays.  In my mind, movies are simply new ways to tell a story – part of a tradition thousands of years old.  We learn, laugh, think and cry in ways that teach us something about life, about ourselves and about creation.

This year I have picked three Academy Award nominated Best Picture films for our consideration.  Today I want to consider the film “Black Swan” and its story of the struggle a young ballerina fights within herself – between conforming to the virginal and allegedly good and moral ways of her youth and the evil or dark forces that seduce her to be more worldly.  Next Sunday, I will look at the film “The King’s Speech” and how a monarch, used to power, prestige and privilege, is nevertheless confronted with the common fears of us all – and how he must both face and overcome them.  Finally, in our third week, we will consider the movie “127 Hours” and the true story of a young man who undertakes the most horrific of actions to save his own life.  How does he unleash hidden powers and strengths within himself – and how might we learn from this movie and his story to call upon our own hidden abilities we might wish or need to unleash?

As we just saw from the trailer for “Black Swan”, the movie is a disturbing psychological exploration of a young woman’s descent into insanity.  As a rising ballerina, she is chosen to perform the role of a lifetime – to star in the classic “Swan Lake” but in way never done before.  She will play both the pure and virginal Odette or white Swan as well as the conniving black swan Odile.  This performance will be like no other rendition of “Swan Lake” for it will literally and symbolically focus on the ancient struggle of good and evil – only this time it will be played out within the life of one dancer.  It will force its audience to confront the reality of this struggle – good and evil – within themselves.   Interestingly, as a story within a story, this is the same theme of the movie.  How does the virginal Nina, who has finally achieved the role of a lifetime, deal with new temptations and seductions?  Which force will win inside her mind?  Will she remain pure and innocent – or will she succumb to the encouragement of her director and her understudy to be more worldly, sexually aggressive and passionate – and thus a better a dancer?

The main character in the movie “Black Swan” is, as I said, named Nina.  She is a technically brilliant and driven ballerina who nevertheless seems to lack something extra – a verve, or passion or worldliness that gives any great artist the ability to be real and approachable.  Nina lives within a cocoon of child-like innocence.  Her bedroom in her mother’s apartment is decorated in frilly pinks and adorned with dolls and stuffed animals.  Her mother is over protective and, while urging her daughter to be the dancer she never could be, still holds her back from achieving greatness.

The ballet director is a hard-driving choreographer modeled after the great Georges Ballanchine – a man who fed upon young and innocent ballerinas – and made them into stars.  This director chides Nina for her innocence and encourages her to sexually awaken.  He appoints as Nina’s understudy a dancer who is her opposite – a technically mediocre ballerina but who is worldly, seductive and overtly sexual.  She may not be technically good but she exudes an earthy sensuality so needed for the role of black swan.  Nina is threatened by her competition.  Can she overcome her virginal and innocent inclinations and give in to the temptations posed by the director and her understudy – to lose her virginity, to drink, party and flirt with young men?  Will she remain a symbolic Madonna – or become, to put it politely, a fallen woman?  Will she be able to believably dance the role of Odile – the character in Swan Lake who is evil incarnate – the Black Swan?

Some commentators have likened this movie to the age-old Biblical story of creation found in the book of Genesis.  In that story, which we all know so well, Adam and Eve are given free access to Eden – a type of heaven – in which existence is perfect.  Their only command is not to eat the fruit of a certain tree – the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.  But Eve is tempted by the serpent – by Satan himself – to eat the fruit and to be like god.  Why should the Divine One alone have access to all truth?  Which should Eve choose – goodness and obedience to god – or evil and seduction by the devil?  Such is the dilemma faced by Nina and the temptations of a Satan like ballet director.

Theologians across the centuries have debated the meaning and the ultimate impact of Adam and Eve’s fall.  Are their ancestors – tellingly first represented by the evil Cain – doomed to be born in sin?  Are we the inheritors of their evil ways?  Are we born with evil intention?  Or, to the contrary, did Adam and Eve make a choice and thus we, too, make the same choice over and over again?  When we commit some form of misdeed – a lie, an angry comment, a selfish attitude or a failure to help others – are we choosing evil over good or have we been born with such propensities hard wired within us?

Of further concern to all of us in this debate between good and evil, is which side ultimately wins?  Are we good people who simply commit mistakes because of our humanity?  In other words, are most people inherently good such that good can be said to eventually win in our world and in most of us?  Or, is our world so dark and so filled with people who hate, who do not care, who are selfish and unfeeling – that it might be said that evil is the ultimate winner?  Is the Bible correct when it declares, ““Who can understand the human heart? There is nothing else so deceitful.”  Is Christianity correct when it suggests that sinful humans can ONLY atone for deceitful hearts and evil actions through believing in the death and miraculous resurrection of Jesus?

How do we consider the idea of reward and punishment for being good or evil?  Why does it seem that so many who appear good suffer disease, disaster, and setbacks?   Why does evil so often appear to prevail?  Will eternity, in some form, sort this out?  Is there a heaven for the good and a hell for the evil?  Or, do those places even exist?  If they do not, what purpose is there in being good?

Finally, what constitutes our definition of what is good?  What is moral and right?  On the opposite side, what actions and things are evil and bad?  As many of us well know, elements in our culture consider me, a gay man, to be full of evil and sin.  I live an unnatural life contrary to the desires of god and other cultural norms of goodness.  Who is to say that my way is right and their opinion of me is wrong?  To boil all of this down to its core, is there some universal standard of goodness to which almost all humans agree?  Is there an ultimate source of Truth?

Each of these questions are addressed, in some form, by the movie Black Swan.  Ultimately, Nina gives in to her desires – she grows up and becomes a sexual being, she moves away from her mother and she acquires a passion that transforms her.  And it clearly influences her dancing.  In the climactic scene, Nina dances as Odile – the Black Swan – with such tenacity and exuberance that she literally inhabits the role of the evil temptress.  As we saw in the trailer, she even plucks a black feather from her skin.  In the movie director’s vision and opinion, it would seem, giving in to one’s darker desires offers reward.  Nina is fulfilled, awakened and dances like none before, once she embraces her more worldly desires.  Evil – if one classifies Nina’s actions as such – has its reward.  It has won.  Is this the message of the movie and what we are to learn – to embrace the dark side of ourselves and thus become more capable?  Within our dual selves – the light and dark sides of us – do we find genuine light when we embrace our darkness and stop repressing?

Indeed, according to Sigmund Freud and his theories on psychoanalysis, only through examining deeply repressed events in our lives can we come to terms with them.  In his view, repression of our so called darkest desires causes us to desire them even more and leads us to neurosis as in Nina’s case.  When we reveal them to our conscious minds, however, such temptations lose their power and we are better off.  Such a theory explains why those who engage in very strict diets often fail because they crave the foods they are denied – and thus often fail to stay on the diet.

As ground breaking as Freud was in his examination of our inner minds and what shapes them, he nevertheless assumed that what we repress is evil or dark.  In Freud’s view, homosexuality is a part of our darker selves.  My 44 year repression of it led to my discontent.  But my acceptance of it should have led to my freedom from its influence.  In Nina’s case, repression of her sexuality leads to her insanity but when she gives in to her desires, she is set free.  Implicit in Freud’s argument is that original sin exists.  Only those who are able to dig up their subconscious feelings of lust, envy, greed and hate can be freed from them.  As the Bible quotes Jesus, the truth will set one free.

But the very word “truth” leads us to an essential problem.  From what authority do the Bible, Quran, Buddha, Freud and others call certain human desires evil?  And what authority determines what is good?  Some of you might recall a message I gave last spring entitled, “What is Truth?”  You can still find it online at our website.  Are any religions the source of Truth?  Is there any universal Truth?  Is there any definition of good to which everyone can agree?

When Friedrich Nietzsche declared that “God is dead”, many assumed that he believed there is no universal standard of what is good.  It is assumed that he believed goodness is defined by individuals according to one’s particular point of view.  This led to the concept of a “superman” – a human so enlightened that he or she alone could determine for himself or herself what is right and what is wrong – what is good and what is evil.

But many people have overlooked Nietzsche’s definition of good and evil.  In his view, morality is that which is defined by prevailing cultures and religions.  Ethics, on the other hand, are human actions that are governed by a sense of the other.  Are one’s actions ethical because they take into account another person’s feelings?  This gets to the heart of my argument in my message “What is Truth?”  Good and evil are determined NOT by arbitrary standards – what is good for Christians may not be good for Muslims for instance.  Instead, one universal truth – one universal definition of what is good and evil – depends on how we treat other people.  Is an action life enriching or life debasing?  Is an action one that we would wish upon ourselves or one that we would logically avoid?  Under this standard of truth and definition of evil, murder is wrong because taking the life of another does profound injury and is not something we wish upon ourselves.  Our human sexuality, on the other hand, is something good if it does no harm to another and if it is life enhancing – an expression of affection for another human being.

Nina therefore is not repressing her dark side any more than she is supposedly acting with purity.  By living according to a standard of innocence, she complies with a cultural standard of what is good.  But that is morality.  When she grows up and embarks on her own sexual journey, she has not embraced something dark.  I do not believe she becomes a Black Swan.  Instead, she has enhanced her own life.  That is ethical and right in a way that I believe most humans might agree.  She has not hurt anyone and she has only helped herself.  What we might look to as a spiritual answer to the ancient dilemma is – as I asked earlier – do one’s actions promote life and happiness in others – or do they not?  Have I acted according to the Golden Rule or not?  This is not god telling us what to do.  It is our common humanity which informs us.  Hate tears downs.  Love heals.  Violence hurts.  Compassion uplifts.  Intolerance divides and separates.  Embracing diversity unites.

As many of you who are familiar with the Swan Lake story know, evil does not triumph at the end of that ballet.  But neither do the forces of good win.  Ultimately, the ballet concludes as a tragedy with the Prince and Odette dying in their battle against tyranny.  They throw themselves into the lake where they drown – thus preventing the possibility that evil shall win.  This too seems to be the message of Black Swan the movie.  Goodness is often sacrificed on a righteous altar.  But Black Swan the movie asks its viewers to view the battle between good and evil in more complex terms.  By accepting and then releasing the supposedly dark side of our dual natures, it says, we become whole human beings.  Our inner black and white swans are a part of us and it is unhealthy, according to this theory, to repress either one.

My assertion, and one we might all accept, is that it is NOT darkness that lurks within us.  The characterization of pieces of our minds as dark or evil is simply what culture, religion and society have created and imposed upon us.  Instead, I propose universal standards which focus on human decency towards one another.  For me, that is the ultimate source of goodness.  If I do not wish to be stolen from, I should not steal from others.  However, if I wish to express myself in ways that only impact me or which ultimately benefit others, this must certainly not be seen as evil.

My friends, good and evil do exist but we must use reason and universal standards to discern them.  As we come to terms with parts of ourselves that others tell us are evil, we should not succumb to religious or cultural morality.  We fight too many struggles in our lives to have to deal with standards of goodness that are unique only to certain populations.  For those around the world who are simply asking for the right of free speech, for those who ask for democracy and liberty, for those who yearn for equal rights, for those who suffer discrimination because of their sexuality, race or gender, their appeals are good.  The arc of human progress is, indeed, a long one but it bends towards goodness and justice.  From our very beginnings as a species, such truths are self-evidently good……………….do our actions enhance life or diminish it?  That is the question.

Delivered by Pastor Doug Slagle, The Gathering UCC,  May 5, 2011

Service-Program, 03-05-11, Jean Hodil

Memorial Services are never easy to conduct or to attend.  We use them as a way to say goodbye and to remember a beloved friend or family member.  Everyone feels a sense of loss and emptiness in their lives – a void once occupied by a vibrant, happy and significant person.  In many respects, we tend to focus on the loss instead of on the gain.  We see death in terms of its finality and as a reminder that we too will one day take its journey.

For me, however, it does not matter the faith or spirituality we practice – or don’t’ – to see death as an occasion to celebrate a beautiful and wonderful life.  And I believe that should precisely be the case with Jean May Hodil.  Gracing this earth with her presence for over 84 years, Jean was a gift, a joyful presence to friends and family, and a vital contributor to the well-being of her community and world.  Because of Jean, this city and each of our lives are richer and better off.  Yes, she has passed into an eternity of peace and she will be deeply missed.  But we also have ample reason to celebrate, laugh, sing and deeply appreciate her life, her presence with us and the large and small legacies she created.  I cannot begin to imagine the sense of loss her family, multiple associates and close friend Arlene now feel.  Nevertheless, as someone who counts it an honor and a privilege to have known her, I stand here today in a celebratory frame of mind.  Jean lived a long life.  She impacted so many.  She loved family and friends well.  She added her intelligence and her diligence to improve life for others.  Hers was a life wondrously led, on her terms, and for that we can all be very happy.

Born just outside of Pittsburgh in 1926, Jean experienced at an early age the kind of loss we all feel today.  Her mother died when she was only eight and her father passed when she was just a young woman of twenty.  But she shared her long life with two siblings – Helen who was born when Jean was beginning college, and Earl, eight years her junior.  Attending Grove City College at a time in our history when many women still did not, or could not, aspire to such education, Jean early on established herself as a smart and sophisticated woman.  Helen’s earliest memory of Jean is of her wearing one of those stylish, large brimmed hats that all of the chic and trendy women wore in the thirties and forties.  She was a confident, interesting, fun and educated woman who, as Helen says, always seemed really “cool”.   Jean did not patronize her younger sister and instead treated her like an adult.  For Helen, it was always exciting to see Jean and she remained the role model of her life.

As a young woman, Jean was going places.  A music major and vocalist in college, Jean moved from being a vocal teacher to work as a musical instruction supervisor to beginning her lifelong career with the YWCA as a youth director in Beaumont, Texas.  And from there, she climbed the ladder of success – moving to Ohio where she served, successively, as the YWCA Executive Director in Springfield, Youngstown, Columbus and Cincinnati.  During her years in Columbus, she earned her master’s degree in social work at Ohio State.  Once again, Jean was a cultural trendsetter through her work in the Executive suite at a major organization.  The YWCA has historically empowered women like Jean to assume positions of influence and impact.  Its history tells the story of social progress in the twentieth century and Jean was an integral part of the YWCA as it advocated for immigrants, factory workers, child labor laws, racial equality, and more recently, for the rights of battered and abused women and children.  Across the state of Ohio, Jean’s legacy of leadership and work for the marginalized is woven into the lives of countless women.  That is one big reason to joyfully celebrate her life.

It was in Jean’s 1978 application to be the Executive Director at the Cincinnati YWCA that she met Arlene who was on the search committee for that position.  And thus began a 33 year beautiful friendship.  Jean had a wry sense of humor which Arlene remembers.  An example of which was when Jean playfully teased Arlene – who was serving mostly as an unpaid volunteer within the local YWCA – by sending her a letter indicating that the organization could only afford to give Arlene a small raise that year but, if she worked really hard and well in the coming year, she could expect an even smaller raise the next!  As someone who faced Jean in salary negotiations for my position as Pastor, I knew her to be a kind, caring and very serious business woman – who also had a wry and funny sense of humor!

In the late 70’s and early 80’s Jean skillfully transformed the YWCA to meet a new mission and purpose.  No longer a place where young, single and proper young ladies found independent and safe living accommodations – since that was no longer in demand – the local YWCA, under Jean’s leadership, became a place of protection and safe shelter for battered women and their children.  Jean reordered the organization’s finances by transferring ownership of their residential facility – thus reducing maintenance costs – and she was instrumental in opening a Clermont County branch shelter of the Y for abused women.

Partial retirement came in 1988 when Jean and Arlene, no longer at the YWCA, joined forces to become entrepreneurs by opening a pet sitting service appropriately called “Critter Care.”  As successful businesswomen they even hired staff and thus met another longtime friend, Linda Tong.  Jean and Arlene could never be far away from social outreach and they donated the services of their business to assist AIDS patients who could no longer care for their pets.  Jean’s love for animals – and particularly cats – spanned her lifetime.  Her two cats, Charley Brown and Lilly, attest to her love for them with the sense of loss they now very clearly feel.  Jean was also a longtime volunteer at the Cincinnati Zoo and a regular docent with the Taft Museum of Art.

And this small, diminutive, sophisticated woman was passionate about the Opera; she thrilled to her favorite opera, “Rosenkavalier”; she attended faithfully every Opera season, along with the Cincinnati symphony and the May Festival.  She included in her love for music many trips to see the Chicago Opera.  She was a true aficionado of great classical music.  But Jean was also, surprisingly, an ardent Cincinnati Reds baseball fan!  She’d never attended a game in her early years and knew very little about the sport but, after attending one game many years ago at the invitation of Arlene and other friends, Jean became hooked.  She followed the Reds, attended numerous games and was looking forward to this summer when she hoped to attend again.  Famously, Arlene and friends often laughed and teased Jean about her early unfamiliarity with baseball and one particularly amusing incident.  At one of the first Reds games Jean attended, and perhaps reflecting her concern for animals, Jean asked fans seated near her about the bulls in the pen!

It is nearly impossible to reflect a life like Jean’s in the few minutes we have today.  Suffice it to say that Jean, in a gentle but determined manner, was passionate about life.  But the sum of any life is not measured by deeds we have done – good or bad.  If we are each here to help build heaven on earth, then it is our impact on the lives of fellow people and fellow creatures that is the measure of our brief passage across this mortal coil.  In that regard, Jean was a bright comet across each of our universes.  And she shone most brightly in the lives of those who knew her best.

To her family, Jean was and still is: sister, Aunt, sister-in-law.  The legacy of her love for them is right here today – from Cleveland, Maryland and Florida – Helen, Tom, Alison, Whitney, Molly, Earl, Beth, David and Earl Jr. – their presence today testifies to Jean’s loving impact on their lives.  She was, as her sister Helen explains, really close to each of her three nieces and two nephews.  She followed their lives, their growing up and their becoming contributing members of society and parents in their own right.  Helen tells me her daughters became Jean’s daughters – their grand moments in life giving Jean happiness and pride.  As we will all see from pictures in a short while, Jean stood and posed proudly between the very tall Earl Jr. and David.  She loved them both with all that she could pack into her petite frame.

For Tom and Beth, Jean’s brother and sister-in-law, she was like another sister.  Arlene commented to me how poignant it was for her to see the depth of sorrow and anguish Tom felt during Jean’s last days – he too was faithfully by her side, offering prayers, hope, comfort and love.  And for Helen and Earl, Jean was truly their BIG sister.  Almost a second mother to them in their early years, Jean later became their equal – their great and glorious sister to whom they looked with pride.  The many weeks Helen has spent in Cincinnati over the past few years – helping Jean recover from various surgeries and, just recently, sitting by her side and assisting in medical decisions for over three weeks – testify to a sibling love that crosses sixty years.  Helen and Earl, we should all be so fortunate to have you as a sister and brother.  Most assuredly, we should all be as lucky as BOTH of you are, to have Jean for a sister.

To Jean’s friends, she was a great and caring and fun-loving person.  To the many who knew her at the Gathering, we cannot begin to think of our congregation without her.  Indeed, she was a founding member and her choice to support Steve Van Kuiken, in his time of trial, showed her courage and her commitment to justice and equality.  She served the church faithfully over these last eight years – working with our finance team in countless ways that help a small church remain stable and vibrant.  I was honored to serve her as Pastor for over a year and it will not be the same to look out on Sunday mornings and not see her.

After my first several messages as a new Pastor, Jean knowingly smiled at me and said, “Doug, that was ok.  You’re getting there.”  Finally, after a few months, she told me at the end of one message that I had done a good job.  From Jean, such praise was hard earned but it still means a lot.  A few months ago, as I said earlier, I sat across from Jean as we discussed my salary for this year.  She was a calming presence.  She wanted to give me a nice raise but she also knew her duty, from years as a seasoned Director of the YWCA, that she had to look out for the interests of the Gathering.  In the end, we concluded our discussion mutually happy and I, with a deeper appreciation of her strong but gentle approach.

For one friend in particular, Linda Tong, Jean was like a sister and wise mentor.   For young Vivian Tong, Jean was a grandmother and inspiring force.  Jean knew young Vivian from her first moments on American soil – greeting her and holding this gift of a child in her arms – so proud and so happy for Linda.  To my partner, Ed, who serves as Vivian’s youth Pastor, on the day before Jean died Vivian could not keep from .sharing a sense of loss coming at her young age.  I know for both of you – Linda and Vivian – Jean will never be forgotten.

How do I begin to capture the meaning and love and friendship that Jean and Arlene shared for 33 years?  It is impossible.  From their collaboration at the Y, to their business partnership with Critter Care, to shared hours at the Cincinnati Zoo, to Opera arias mutually appreciated, to common Sundays at the Gathering, to knowing moments each morning commenting on the day’s newspaper, to laughter and joy each evening at 5 o’clock sharp as they sipped a martini together, to the final three weeks of Jean’s life as Arlene watched, waited, and prayed next to her best friend – these are the precious times of a deep and close relationship.

Arlene, my dear, we cannot know or fully appreciate how much you must miss Jean.  To many of us, she was a friend.  To you, she was the BEST of friends – one with whom you shared common likes and with whom you shared many remarkable and beautiful life moments.  We celebrate your friendship and the joy it brought both of you.  When any of us, in the future, want to be around Jean, we will meet her in you – in ways that only the best of friends change our lives for the good.  You are loved by so many who also love Jean and we will honor her life and her legacies by continuing to support you.

As I said at the beginning of this homily, we are here to celebrate Jean’s life.  Yes, we each feel the sorrow and pain of her loss.  But, I hope we do not focus here or in the days ahead on how much we lost with her death but in how much we gained with her life.   Each of us hope to depart this earth having left behind changed lives.  Few of us may know – perhaps even Jean did not know – the many lives of young YWCA women she helped save and change for the better.  How many of our fellow creatures – from giraffes at the zoo to our cats and dogs – have been touched by Jean’s caring hands?  How many unknown ways do any us reflect her influence, her counsel, her strength, her wisdom, her sense of fairness, equality and justice?  Most importantly, how many of us were touched by her affection, her pride in us, her inspiring example to lead a life of integrity and grace?

It does not serve the memory of anyone to cloak them in sainthood and absolute perfection.  Jean was human like any of us.  But she lived life well.  She lived it with purpose.  She lived it with generosity in time, love and resources.  Jean may have been small in stature but she looms large in how she influenced each of us and the world at large.  Let us each joyfully remember and celebrate the many ways she touched our lives for the better and let us give thanks that we knew her and that we counted her as a loving friend, sister, aunt, confidante, and co-worker.  Jean, we will never forget you.  We know for a fact you are still here – still counseling young women, still laughing with Arlene, still spending unforgettable moments with your family.  Thank you, dear Jean, for all the many ways you made us – and still make us – better people.

Photo album of Jean’s life: please click here.

Message 49: “Tough Love: Embracing Interdependence”, 2-20-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 02-20-11

For any of you who may not have noticed, Ed is not here today.  He left town this past Thursday on a business trip but we will meet up again tomorrow.  At the start of this month, we were apart for almost two weeks.  Because of our schedules, we are apart at least one week a month – something which is not necessarily easy but which we have learned to accept.  Indeed, and I will say this only to you – so don’t tell Ed! – sometimes I actually enjoy my time alone!  I can eat when and what I want.  I watch shows on the Discovery or History channels – which are not his favorites – and I get the whole bed to myself.  I don’t have to share!  Of course, the downside is that I sometimes find myself lonely in the evenings and I miss his company.   We are partners, after all, because we really like each other!

What we are working through, as almost everyone does, is how to be both independent and dependent.  How can we exercise the form of tough love on each other by asserting our own identity and sense of self while still loving and serving the needs of the other?  Can we be happy alone?  Can we learn to love ourselves and our own company?  Can we develop friendships that are unique from the other?  To frame this in a somewhat ironic way, can we be relatively well-adjusted, independent singles who also happen to be in a loving, dependent relationship?

During this three week series on tough love, we have explored various ways of asserting our individual rights, personalities and needs while living in a world where how we relate with others is crucial to our happiness and well-being.  As we discussed in the first week, how can we pursue values of individualism and personal liberties while still staying focused on serving and caring for others?  Last week, we looked at how to set boundaries in our lives so that we protect ourselves and ultimately help others around us learn and grow.  And this week I want to explore how we can be dependent without being co-dependent and how we can be fully actualized individuals without being hermits and lone rangers.

A consistent theme through each of these three messages is that answers to these questions are not easy to answer nor are they found in one extreme or the other.  We have to find for ourselves some middle path between individualism and communal thinking, between establishing firm boundaries and having none and, today, between dependence and independence.  Ultimately, I believe these issues get to the essence of who we are as a species – we are social animals who also lean strongly towards finding and asserting individuality and uniqueness.

Personally, I love the fact that here at the Gathering we are a collective whole – a beautiful family of faith and spirituality – comprised of many distinct and unique people – liberal, conservative, atheist, Christian, Buddhist, agnostic, gay, lesbian, straight, transsexual, black, white, Asian, young, old, middle aged, etc. etc.  In so many ways, we are a microcosm of the larger community.  It is not easy being such a cohesive group comprised of many unique individuals but I think we are learning to model the fact that we can celebrate and respect our differences.  I can claim my gay identity and enjoy a deep friendship with a straight woman; a conservative is honored and listened to because he is loved and people enjoy his company and listen to his opinions; an African-American is welcomed and befriended not because he is a token individual within our largely Caucasian midst but because he is a genuinely good, decent and pleasant human being.  We have created here a colorful tapestry of vibrant threads – each woven together to make a beautiful whole.

But as I said, this wonderful tapestry was not easy to create and it is not easy to maintain.  Forces and opinions that make us each unique can lead us to prefer homogeneity and reject or disrespect those who are different.  Nor, for that matter, is it so simple for Ed and I to be partnered and yet assert our own individuality.  For any of us, whether we are single, partnered or somewhere in between, I hope this message series is about the tough love choices we must make in life – and that boils down to how we love ourselves while still loving others.

Co-dependency is an un-healthy way of failing to find a middle path between dependence and independence.  Two dysfunctional people at the opposite poles of individualism and selflessness come together.  A co-dependent person allows the opinions and actions of another to determine his or her own.  For one partner, it is self-limiting with a focus on taking care of the other with little or no regard for the self.  In this type of relationship, neither partner feels capable of standing alone.  One person is the care-giver and the other is the care-receiver with no reciprocity in the giving and receiving.  The ethic is “I need you to need me” and “I can’t live without you.” The care-giver only feels fulfilled if he or she is serving the other and enmeshed in his or her life.  Life is solely about the “you”.  The care-receiver, on the other hand, is fulfilled only through being needy and self-focused.  He or she has no thought or desire to give, share or serve someone else.  Life is mostly about the “me”.  In such relationships, boundaries rarely exist.  A lame – but humorous – joke about this issue asks how can one tell if a drowning person is co-dependent?  Someone else’s life is passing in front of his or her eyes!

We may laugh at this joke but it holds more than a germ of truth for too many people.  Many are single and feel that the only way they can be fulfilled is with a partner.  On the other hand, many are in a relationship and feel that they cannot exist apart from a spouse, partner or close friend.  In truth, neither is correct but we allow elements of such dysfunctional thinking to infect our minds.  As much as each of us values our own life achievements, dreams, opinions and personality, we have an intrinsic desire – something hard-wired into our DNA – for community and togetherness.  We are, many of us, such confused creatures.  We are like the mythical creature from the story of Dr. Doolittle – a pushme-pullyou creature.  “I want you and need you!  No.  I don’t need you.  I want my independence!”

Interestingly, as in so many things about life, the wisdom and insights from spirituality can guide us.  While I have often noted that each of the major world religions speak of the Golden Rule, many of us – and I am the worst at this – fail to recognize the main ethic of the Golden Rule – love others AS you love yourself.  Do unto others AS you would have them do unto you.  Jesus made it his purpose in life to serve and teach others – to reach out to the poor, the oppressed, the weak and the outcast.  He surrounded himself with friends and colleagues.  He sought his disciples almost immediately after he began his ministry and he directly asked them to follow him and hang around him.  He went to parties, weddings and festivals.  He enjoyed serving others and he enjoyed their company.  But just as important, Jesus was not afraid to express his opinions or to manifest his unique identity – his individuality and his independence.  He was not afraid to be alone and he frequently looked for places where he could be by himself.  He grew so frustrated with the crowds who would not let him be that he rowed himself in a boat out into the middle of the Sea of Galilee just so he could be by himself.  Jesus understood the tough love approach to both dependency and independence.  He needed both.  In truth, however, he was interdependent.

Paul echoed Jesus’ ethic when he challenged the churches in Corinth to grow up and act with greater unity.  Even in the very first churches, members gravitated towards small cliques and like-minded friends.  Many began to shun those who did not hold their same beliefs.  In the Corinthian case, there was a dispute over whether animals that had been sacrificed in pagan temples could be consumed by Christians.  Some said “yes”, some said “no” and thus began one of the first church doctrinal fights over a matter contrary to the ethics of their faith – love and unity.  Even worse, many of these early church cliques began to hold communion dinners at which only a select few – the supposedly right people – were invited.   Finally, many members began to assert that some abilities like prophecy and speaking in tongues were superior to skills like teaching and wisdom.  Exclusion, arrogance and division infected these churches.  Paul sternly and wisely called them to task.  He implored them to see the beauty in their independence but, most importantly, NOT to allow that to cause disunity.  After all, they needed one another.

Comparing the church to the human body, Paul wrote, and I quote from the New Living Translation, “The Divine One put our bodies together in such a way that even the parts that seem the least important are valuable. She did this to make all parts of the body work together smoothly, with each part caring about the others. If one part of our body hurts, we hurt all over.   If one part of our body is honored, the whole body will be happy.  Together we are all a part of the same Divine body.” Paul said that we are each like an independent part of the human body – like a hand, foot or eye.  Each part has independence in that it serves different functions and is important in its own right.  But no part can operate without the others.  Manifested in our own human bodies there exists dependence, independence and interdependence.  And it is the latter that Paul advocates just as Jesus lived out.  We are unique persons each living interdependently with one another.

As in the ancient world, so it is today.  And perhaps interdependence is even more important today than ever before.  We live in a world of instant communication, we can travel half-way around the world in less than a day and our individual and national interests are deeply intertwined with those of other cultures and nations.  When the Greek economy shuddered a few months ago, our own stock market dramatically fell.  When there were fears of the bird flu in China several years ago, we knew that as quick as it takes a plane to fly from Beijing to New York, we too could be infected.  The very gasoline that enabled us to be here this morning was likely far underground in Saudi Arabia only a few weeks ago.  Symbolically, when India catches a cold, we sneeze.

And I hope that is the same here at the Gathering.  As our dear friend Arlene has lost her close friend, Jean, all of us feel her loss.  And all of us will come together to support her.  When Paula Emerson found a new and much better job recently, many of us shared her joy.  None of us are islands drifting in an empty sea.  As the author Steven Covey has written, interdependence is the only effective strategy in life and work.  Confident and independent people come together with unique skills to create a more effective whole.  Interdependence creates win / win situations for both the individual and the group.  As the group succeeds, so too will each person.  And, as each person individually grows and succeeds, so too will the group as whole since his or her gifts are brought into that mix.  Interdependent people learn to synergize their independent abilities and personalities so that, combined, they are even more effective than alone.

If we are to assert our independence so that we can become interdependent and thus ever more capable, how do we reduce our bonds of dependence and neediness in life?  How can we learn to love our singleness – any of us – so that we find satisfaction and joy?  Experts, therapists and armchair psychologists offer a number of ways for people to assert their independence.   Most importantly, we must learn to love ourselves.  On a larger scale, we should live with passion and purpose and meaning.  Each of us should find the unique ways we work and serve the wider world.  What is it that I want to do to change the world for the better?

We can set our own life agenda, within certain boundaries.  On a day to day basis, we are each responsible for our own plans – not for those of others.  We should set our schedules and not be co-dependently chained to the demands of another.  We should not do for others what they can do for themselves.  In other words, we must apply boundaries so that others can learn and grow for themselves.  As I said last week, with gentleness and a certain amount of flexibility, we can allow others in our lives to experience the consequences of their own actions.  They will become more of an individual, as will we.

We must be willing to leave our family and friends behind from time to time.  Finding opportunities – like going to a movie, a party or out to dinner alone – is good and healthy and builds self-confidence.

We should be our own role models – and that means having confidence in our own opinions, actions and preferences.  This is not arrogance but confident individuality that is still respectful of others.  We must not settle for anything that contradicts our own beliefs and boundaries.  We listen to others, we seek understanding, we are gentle but we are also firm in who we are.  No person, no man, no woman – nobody – has the right to expect us to be different from our honest selves.  We do not sublimate ourselves to the needs of others but rather come alongside another in a complimentary way.  Our personalities, skills and gifts work together with the different but complimentary skills and personalities of a friend, partner, family member or co-worker.  That is interdependence.

Another point for living more independently in life, several experts agree, is to, as much as possible, secure our own finances.  This does not mean we don’t monetarily support others or that we never receive support from another.  In today’s world, however, independence and self-confidence comes from having the means or ability to support oneself.  One is therefore better able to be interdependent by adding to the financial welfare of a marriage, partnership, family, church or community – by adding to its combined resources.  One is neither dependent nor independent.  The welfare of the whole depends on the capability of each able individual to stand on his or her own.

Finally, independence that leads to interdependence is created by each person finding their own community of friends and activities.  Experts advise us that it is not healthy to have only shared friends or shared activities.  We must be willing to get out on our own – away from our families or our relationships – and find other ways to express ourselves.  We must get involved in new things and separate communities of friends.  Surprisingly, I believe that includes any of you regarding this church.  A few of you sheepishly tell me that you visit other churches from time to time.  In total honesty, I think that is wonderful.  Doing so will broaden your perspectives and strengthen you as an individual.  According to the theory of interdependence, that will only work to help the Gathering.  Contrary to popular belief, this church and this Pastor are NOT the sources of all wisdom and all truth!  I encourage you to sometime experience a different church, synagogue, mosque or temple but, of course, I hope you’ll come back here!  We are so lovable!

In our vision of an enlightened community of individuals building together a world of justice, equality, and compassion for all people, I believe we will have to abandon some of our more rigid beliefs.  Moral imagination and community cooperation will never succeed unless we as individuals are free to grow and develop.  We need boundaries to keep us focused and self-aware and to protect us and others from harm.  We cannot be shackled by the constraints of our own dependence or of people who harm us by their fears and unwillingness to grow.  As we hear that high call to build heaven on earth, we cannot do it alone.  Marshalling our strengths, our independent spirit and our yearning to find purpose and meaning in life, we come together to work interdependently and cooperatively.  This is the Golden Rule in action – serving and loving others as much as we serve and love ourselves.  Our personal relationships will prosper.  Our emotional health as independent, healthy adults will grow.  Ultimately, we will all be better off as a community, nation and world.  Tough love calls us and others to be less dependent.  Self-love calls us to be more independent.  Genuine love calls us to greater interdependence.   I win, you win, we all win…

Message 48, “Tough Love: Setting Boundaries”, 2-13-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 02-13-11

I vividly recall a minor but nevertheless heartwarming story about my youngest daughter Amy when she was probably one or two years of age.  Amy has always been full of life and energy with an easy laugh and playful demeanor.  She also freely admits to being a bit of a drama queen.  She feels things deeply and is not afraid to show the heights or depths of happiness and sorrow.

At a very early age Amy discovered how fun it was to play with the dog we owned.  Brady, our dog, was by that time settling into her retirement years – content to sleep a lot in between brief forays outdoors.  She had always been a gentle dog who would nevertheless sometimes bark or growl when she sensed something amiss.

One day, Amy began to playfully pull at Brady’s ears and fur and crawl on top of her.  This was just one big, animated stuffed animal to Amy.  And Brady was long suffering for quite a while – enduring repeated ear pulls and pokes in the eye.  Despite several admonitions by me to be gentle, Amy persisted.  Eventually, Brady growled at Amy and this, of course, alarmed me.  Amy just giggled.  I feared Brady might snap at or even bite Amy if she was too persistent.  I raised my voice, “No, Amy.  Be nice.  Pet Brady.”  And then I showed her how.  Amy laughed and tried petting but soon began pulling hair once again.  Brady let out a low growl.

Finally, after several unsuccessful attempts to change Amy’s behavior, I quickly scooped her up, pulled her away, and swiftly but lightly spanked her hands.  “No Amy!!  That hurts Brady!”  And I sat her down many feet away.  And this is what I clearly remember.  It was one of the first times I had been really stern in discipline with Amy.  She looked up at me with tears welling in her eyes, her lower lip quivered, her face darkened a deep red and then she began to sob and cry pitifully and loudly.  It broke my heart.

We can all relate, in some manner, to this story – when we have had to firmly establish a safety boundary with a child too young to understand the consequences of his or her actions.  With children, we cannot expect them to experience natural consequences but we have to teach them certain boundaries around their behavior – for their safety and for that of others.  Kids cannot play with matches for instance or play in a busy street.  If they do, we cannot simply say they should suffer the consequences as a way to learn.  But we do practice a form of tough love.  We could allow them to be free spirits – in a perverse way of saying we love them – or we can set protective boundaries because they are too young to understand how they can be hurt by their actions.

In our interactions with teenagers and adults, however, setting boundaries is much more complicated.  In human relationships, we often think we love if we accept and tolerate certain behaviors that hurt us or hurt others.  We can allow a friend to be habitually late, for instance, or we can firmly but gently indicate that we have time boundaries.  We’ll wait on them for ten minutes or so but that is all.

Establishing boundaries is about clearly stating what it is that we want and desire in life.  As I said, too often some of us confuse love for another person with mushy, inconsistent or non-existent boundaries.  We think that by not clearly stating our own interests, we are being kind and gentle.  After all, we are often told that being selfless is the highest form of love.  I believe, instead, that without boundaries such love is sometimes false and cruel.  It enables bad behavior, it prevents growth and it limits the full potential of the other person.  Failing to clearly identify what we like also leaves others guessing and unsure about what we want and who we really are.  And that prevents true intimacy and connection.

On this eve of Valentine’s Day, I hope to examine with you what I have called tough love but which, in many respects, might be called genuine love.  We can all understand that I showed love for Amy by preventing her from being bitten even though I finally had to use discipline.   How can we as adults use personal boundaries to express real love for another – to teach, create growth, express identity and ultimately encourage authentic intimacy?

Two Christian therapists, John Cloud and Henry Townsend, in their book When to Say Yes, When to Say No, How to Take Control of Your Life, have used a Bible verse to explain why boundaries are important.  They call it the Law of Responsibility.  The apostle Paul said in his letter to ancient Galatian churches, those located in modern day Turkey, and I add some of my own language here – “Do not be deceived.  The Divine One cannot be mocked.  A man or a woman reaps what he or she sows.” While in some respects such a statement seems harsh, it bears closer examination.

The consequences we experience in life are usually the natural by-product of our own actions – the choices we alone make.  We reap the consequences of what we sow or create. We are each responsible for how we think, act, feel and speak.  When we establish personal boundaries, we are simply saying to others that we are going to allow them to experience the results of their choices.  If one chooses to repeatedly be late, a consequence might be a meeting will be canceled or someone waiting will simply leave.  Experts and counselors emphasize this is not a form of punishment, retribution or manipulation if you have clearly identified and spoken your boundary beforehand.  If I choose to act otherwise, to think that I will show love by endlessly tolerating someone’s lateness, I am really preventing that person from reaping the consequences of being tardy.  I am enabling his or her behavior such that it will continue and he or she will not hopefully learn to correct it.

If we reap what we sow, we learn that what we choose to do produces either good or bad results.  Since most of us are not masochists and don’t like bad consequences, we will adjust our actions so that only good things happen to us.  We learn.  We grow.  If I want to enjoy your company, I will learn I’d better not always be late.  And that is the ultimate purpose of boundaries: they are to teach.  As T.S. Elliot wisely observed, “If you haven’t the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you.” In other words, if we do not set our own boundaries in life, we must be prepared to reap what we sow.

To understand the full range of boundaries, we must keep in mind that using common sense and understanding the context of a situation should determine how we set our personal limits.  For whom are we setting boundaries:  for a child?  A competent adult?  Someone in the midst of a crisis?  For someone who can reasonably make choices?  For a handicapped or oppressed person?  Context and understanding is essential for determining our boundaries.

Experts talk about several forms of boundary problems we might exhibit in our lives.

First, many of us can be too rigid in setting boundaries with others.  This is a “my way or the highway” type of approach.  One is stubborn and inflexible with their personal boundaries and allows no room for choice.  A solution to this problem is to understand when to set firm OR flexible boundaries.  On certain crucial matters in our lives, we must be firm.  As an example, it is rarely appropriate for another to be sexually aggressive, overly suggestive or provocative with a non-partner.   Our boundaries should likely be firm in such instances.  Families of alcoholics must often set firm boundaries that they will not be around the other when he or she is drunk.  Again, this is not punishment.  It leaves the choice to the other.  Drink and be alone or choose sobriety and enjoy the company and support of friends and family.

On other minor matters, flexibility is important.  For instance, Chinese food may not be your favorite but it is for your partner.  If he or she suggests going to a Chinese restaurant that evening, you can refuse and assert a firm boundary.  Or, you might be flexible and negotiate:  Tonight Chinese, tomorrow night Italian.  In other situations, offering a choice is a way of being flexible but still setting a boundary.  We’ll eat either Chinese or Indian – your choice.  Such is an insignificant example of understanding and knowing when to stand firm and when to be flexible.  A person who has healthy boundaries knows the difference and executes them accordingly.  In support of flexibility, a Japanese proverb says, “The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.”

A second problem for many people is having invisible or non-existent boundaries.    These individuals know what they want in life but refuse or fail to identify them to others.  They allow others to act or express needs without being willing to express their own.  They go along with or they accept another’s opinions or actions but then resent the fact that their boundary was crossed.  They might think they acted with love when in fact they have done the opposite.  They did not go along due to love but out of some inner fear to voice their opinions.  And then many times they act resentful or hurt – often just angry at themselves for failing to express a boundary.

A solution is to be assertive or engaged in setting a boundary.  Those who are assertive with boundaries do so with gentleness and often with a sense of humor.  They are not rigid boundary setters as I mentioned earlier.  They state something that is important to them and then work to creatively and gently convince others.  If an ethical standard at work has been crossed, one does not set an invisible boundary by ignoring it and then later criticizing the situation.  The assertive person lays out a positive case for why the ethical line should not be crossed.  Assertive boundary makers understand the context of a situation, the possible weaknesses of others, and then firmly but politely state their case.

One can also avoid setting invisible boundaries by being actively engaged with another.  This involves asking questions, seeking insight and showing genuine interest in the needs of a situation.  In my previous scenario regarding what type of food two partners might eat, when Chinese is proposed, one might ask why the other wants to eat that food or what particular needs he or she is feeling at the moment.  This example is simplistic.  One usually engages in matters of greater significance.  In dealing with someone who is alcoholic, for example, setting healthy boundaries might involve getting engaged in that person’s life – helping to proactively prevent drinking by establishing  a curfew or driving boundaries.  Steven Covey says about those who are assertive and engaged but gentle in their boundaries, “I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a “transformer” in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith…”

Even more profound, an inscription at the Holocaust museum in Washington D.C. states, “Thou shalt not be a victim.  Thou shalt not be a perpetrator.  Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.” People with healthy boundaries are rarely victims.  They do not consistently hurt others because they are flexible and gentle.  Most of all, they engage the world in ways that create positive change.

And this speaks to the usefulness of establishing healthy boundaries.  Instead of reacting – often with anger or negative attitudes to the hurts and challenges we face, clear and consistent boundaries are proactive protections for us.  While difficult to put in place, they work to prevent conflict in our relationships.  Each person knows in advance the consequences that will result from certain actions.  If you get drunk, I will not be around you.  If you emotionally abuse me, I will leave.  If you steal from me, you can no longer enter my home.  Again, these should not be punishments but ways to open up natural consequences.  Persons who establish boundaries do not sit idly by the wayside allowing them to be victimized by others or by life.  It takes courage and tough love – genuine love – to tell others what we will accept and what we won’t.

An additional boundary problem area is when people simply choose to avoid setting boundaries altogether primarily because they fear conflict.  This is why I frequently fail to protect myself.  I often do not want to confront others and so I avoid potential conflict.  I will unwillingly say “yes” or “no” – depending on the situation – as a way to avoid their disappointment in me.  This comes from insecurity and a deep need to feel liked.  Fortunately, I know this is a problem of mine and so I am working to, as Jesus said, let my yes be yes and my no be no.  I am trying to grow and to set healthy boundaries.  Whatever I choose to do, it must be sincere and based not on avoiding conflict.

It was difficult for me to tell a homeless woman last week, who entered our church during coffee time, we could not give her the money she needed for bus fare to another city.  She was cold and desperate and she got angry.  It was hard to set a boundary – to say “no”.  Perhaps I was wrong.  I often assist folks who come in asking for help when I am here during the week – but I don’t think I can help everyone.  On many occasions I dig into my pocket to give away money out of some desire to be liked instead of wanting to really help.   Sometimes, tough love involves having to say “no” in those situations or in other matters.  I am learning it is OK if everyone doesn’t always like me or my boundaries.

A final boundary problem with many people is when one enmeshes himself or herself in the boundaries of others.  A partner or friend’s boundaries – or lack thereof – become one’s own.  This is not the same as having invisible boundaries that are unstated but cause resentment when they are crossed.  Instead, enmeshment literally involves assuming the likes and dislikes of another person.  If they don’t like Chinese food, one does not like it either.  This form of dependency and co-dependency is our subject for next week.   It is a form of false love.

Dear friends, tough love is never easy.  It was so hard for me, about twenty years ago, to abruptly scold my daughter when she came close to being bitten by our dog.  It is even more difficult for us to set boundaries that seem to hurt or challenge people we love.  Ultimately, setting boundaries is a form of individualism which I addressed in last week’s message.  We are claiming our individual rights and liberties through our boundaries.

It is important to remember, though, that boundaries are only relevant when they are applied in context.  Those who establish rigid protections without regard to the person or to the situation do so without compassion or understanding.  Many times I believe we set far too tough of boundaries for those who are NOT fully capable of making reasonable choices.  These are people who are not reaping what they have sown but instead reap what others or outside forces have sown for them.  Just as my daughter was too young to reap the consequences of taunting an innocent animal – even though I still had to set a boundary for her, so too are those who have been beaten down by the ravages of poverty, mental illness, a handicap or lower level of intelligence.  Indeed, we all know that life is often not fair and many people reap consequences which they did not cause.  While everyone should experience some form of boundary or expectation in their life, people born with two strikes against them before they even have a chance to grow up are unable to make the same choices in life that I have had.  For such persons, more flexible boundaries should be applied.  Those born into hardship can still rise above their misfortunes and we should never patronize them by not applying boundaries.  But for them, I believe we must be flexible, engaged and compassionate.  For most of us, however, the Law of Responsibility and reaping what we sow is a fair deal.

For ourselves, for our partners, spouses, children, friends and fellow church members, we all need boundaries to grow.  As easy as it is for me to stand up here and speak about boundaries, it is much more difficult to apply them in real life.  This is a flesh and blood issue involving deep and sincere love for people in our lives.  Indeed, it is called tough love not just because it is tough on the receiver but also for the boundary maker.  It is hard to see ones we love experience painful consequences from the choices they have made.  Ultimately, I believe almost everyone wants to receive love that is honest and challenging – even if it seems harsh.  In our heart of hearts, none of us want love that is weak, false or patronizing.  We all want to grow.  We all want to learn.  We don’t want to remain stuck in the ruts of life.  We each, deep inside ourselves, want to reach for the lofty heights of happiness and self-fulfillment.  As difficult as it is, I can only encourage us to express the kind of love and boundary setting that helps others to do just that.  May our love be gentle whenever possible but tough when necessary.

Message 47, “Tough Love: American Idols?”, 2-6-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering, UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 02-06-11

Watch below video link first…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgtRdp9Xs7o

As Americans, we struggle with the choice framed in these dueling mock political ads.  Indeed, I believe this struggle is what humans have faced for thousands of years.  As President Calvin Coolidge once said, “Liberty is not collective, it is personal.  All liberty is individual liberty.”  In other words, the greatest of all freedoms is the right to pursue our own idols of money, fame and material goods.  That freedom has been the engine of growth in our nation.

The other side of this debate might best be described by Susan Powter, a contemporary motivational speaker, who said, “What’s natural and right is interconnectedness, not individualism. What is natural and right is respect for the social good. What’s natural and right is love for all.”  Ultimately, in this debate we confront the essence of our contemporary political and economic discussions: how much do we accept the ideal of American idolatry expressed best by freedom of the individual versus a concept of social altruism and the idea that meaning and purpose in life is not to live for oneself but to live for the good of all people.

In the message series for this month of love, I want to look at some of our tougher choices in how to best love and honor the people and material things we have in our lives.  Today, we will take a non-political look at trying to resolve ideals of individualism and altruism.  Must we choose sides or is there, as I sometimes say, a middle path of living for ourselves and our own individual idols while also serving the greater good of all people and all creation?

Next week, we’ll look at another tough love choice – how to do we establish appropriate boundaries in our relationships so that our love is genuine and real?  How do we practice love in such a way so that we do not enable a weakness, addiction or sense of selfishness in another?  How can our love encourage growth and learning?  Finally, in the third week, we will consider false or co-dependant love.  Is it possible to think we love another when, in fact, we really serve some inner need within ourselves?  I will leave all of the romantic, sensual and heart-warming expressions of love during this month to Valentine’s Day!  For me, I hope to be brave enough to confront and learn from the more difficult ways to love.

We are all familiar, I think, with the Bible stories about the Garden of Eden and the Ten Commandments.  In each story, written, I believe, not as actual history but as lessons to instruct, humanity must choose between an altruistic view of life involving cooperation and obedience to a higher good, or choosing to go one’s own way – to eat of the tree of knowledge or to worship a golden calf.  Both of these latter choices symbolize humanity’s decision to glorify the individual over altruism and a higher good.  Most world religions encourage us to suppress our desires to satisfy the self and to, instead, work for others.  Indeed, I have often spoken of that higher ideal.  In many respects, religious altruism asks that the individual give up his or her idols and a pursuit of personal needs and replace them with communal and cooperative goals of equality, social welfare and concern for society as a whole.  Rampant individualism is seen as a sin within almost all religions.

Beginning in the 17^th and 18^th centuries, however, philosophers, artists and writers began to encourage a new ethic of liberty and freedom.  Martin Luther revolutionized Christianity by asserting that popes and priests and the Roman Catholic church are not the arbiters of truth but that each individual has direct access to Divine truth.  We do not need to be told what the Bible says – we can read it and interpret it for ourselves.  Other thinkers took ideals of human rights to new heights by asserting we are individually given universal rights to pursue happiness, education and wealth.  The right to self-fulfillment according to our own thinking is a natural right.  And, this right extends to economics where liberty and human development are given full voice when each person freely pursues advancement, property and wealth.  The rise of today’s most flourishing economies has come because of such individual freedoms.  The drive to get ahead, succeed and enjoy the financial and material benefits of one’s work has allowed our American economy to grow to a size not seen before in history.  As a whole, we are the wealthiest nation ever to exist.  On a personal level, each of us has risen to our station in life due to our own efforts and our own desires to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

How do we reconcile these two seeming inconsistent high ideals of communal altruism which calls for the well-being of all people versus individualism which champions liberty and the personal pursuit of happiness?   Recently, the Economist magazine posed the question this way: how do corporations reconcile shareholder interests versus those of the employee and customer?  Profits and wealth can increase for the shareholder if employees are exploited and the customer is cheated by an inferior product.  On the other hand, employee and customer interests can be advanced with higher wages, benefits and products which contain superior, but more expensive, components.  Taken to extremes, shareholders will ultimately lose out and see their profits decline if they exploit their employees and make inferior products.  Should employees and customers demand excessive rights and benefits, shareholder profits will decline, innovation and investment in the company will fall and ultimately the company as a whole will cease to exist.  Either extreme creates a no-win situation.  Corporations, like individuals, cannot be extremely greedy but they also cannot be extremely altruistic either.

On that personal level, how can we as individuals help others if we ourselves are not happy, fulfilled and able to enjoy the fruits of our labor?  Ultimately, our motivation to help others will cease if we are not also motivated to work harder for a better life.   To put it bluntly but honestly, personal greed, at some level, is a strong motivator for hard work, innovation and economic advancement.  If we do away with such a motivation in the name of charity and altruism for all people, then ultimately everybody will, I believe, lose.

And so we face this tough love choice.  Love of things and of money or love of others and the society at large.  Some contemporary conservative theorists have even said that spiritual ideals of altruism and social justice are wrong because ultimately they are opposed to the ethic of individual liberty.   And, vice versa, some extreme liberal thinkers have encouraged doing away with individual rights because they work against the interests and needs of society as a whole.  What is the answer to each of these seemingly good but inconsistent ideals?

I believe unrestrained individualism and personal liberty leads to rampant greed, evidenced by our recent economic collapse and put in stark perspective when one looks at a nation like Haiti where a few oligarchs control all of the wealth while the vast majority literally scrounge with pigs for scraps to eat.

To the other extreme, I believe unchecked communal altruism leads to a tyranny of the whole against the rights and freedoms of the individual – something many of us here at the Gathering would particularly abhor since I, for one, am a part of a maligned GLBT minority.  Can we still love others and work for their well-being while still enjoying a comfortable home, a nice car and personal fulfillment?  How we reconcile these two ideals is crucial.  Spiritually, politically and economically, I believe there is a middle way – a cut the baby in half way, if you will.  The Economist magazine calls it “ethical or rational egotism.”  We must find the right balance between individual rights and self-interest versus the high ideal of social welfare.

I often find myself warring against two sides within me.  Like many of you, I have worked to find self-fulfillment in life and, as such, have been fortunate to acquire a comfortable – certainly not wealthy – lifestyle.  I chose the ministry as a career many years ago not to enrich myself but because I wanted to be more of a servant than to work within a corporate world where money and profit predominate.  I do not reject business and corporations but, for me, such an atmosphere was not healthy.  My demeanor is more suited to my current role.

As one who will continually repeat the ethic that our purpose in life is greater than to merely serve ourselves, I find guilt and tension within in my own soul.  Can I enjoy my home, my car and the pleasures in life I have earned?  Should I not be more of a servant to others?  What about those who are less well off and shouldn’t I sacrifice more or even all of my own comforts for the sake of others?  To what extent I give and serve is a personal decision for me as it is for all of you.  Nevertheless, my spiritual sense of meaning and purpose calls me to give more than I receive.  What I hope to practice and find in life is some sense of balance – a way to live out the individual liberties I enjoy to work and save and enjoy life while still keeping a laser focus on not letting that get out of hand.  I must constantly encourage myself to love others, to serve, to give and to volunteer my time and talents for the well-being of our church, our society and our world.

Buddhists, as some of you know, seek a continual reduction of desire and need in their lives.  Simply put, human wants are the source of unhappiness, according to Buddhists, and so we achieve greater personal happiness the more we relinquish those desires – those impulses to worship personal golden calves if you will.   But Buddhists also acknowledge that we cannot escape living in a world where desire and temptation are all around us.  As humans move toward a nirvana state of perfect peace, we are encouraged to live in balance.  Kama, or worldly desire, will diminish as much as we allow dharma, or personal peace, to predominate.  In this regard, concern for other humans and other creatures creates in us more and more a sense of wholeness and purpose.  In many respects, Buddhism understands the spiritual implications of individualism versus communal altruism.

Interestingly, Islam also seeks to resolve the conflict we see played out both inside ourselves and in the world around us.  For Muslims, there exists a natural state within humans called Fitrah.  It is natural and human to seek pleasures associated with good food, love, sex, comfort and success.   Such desires are encompassed within that condition of Fitrah.  As Islam wisely notes, humans are not instinctive creatures.  No matter how hard we try, we will never attain perfection in our attitudes.  Temptations, despite all our better angels calling us to help others, will nevertheless drive us to serve the self often to excess.  Humans must be regulated in their individual liberties by some outside force.  For Muslims, that regulating force is Allah.  We balance the pleasures of life and keep them in check by submitting to the will of Allah or God.  In doing so, we are balanced by not following our human nature to pursue wealth, for instance, against the needs of others.  Money is fine, according to Islam, as long as it is subservient to the command to love Allah and love others.   Not surprisingly, this Islamic view echoes the apostle Paul’s statement in his Biblical Timothy letter that it is the LOVE of money that is the root of all evil – NOT money itself.

As I mentioned earlier, the Economist magazine calls for a renewed sense of what it calls “ethical or rational egotism.” This essentially states what many faiths also express.  Unregulated capitalism, best represented by complete individual freedom, will ultimately lead to unrestrained greed, which logically will lead to a communal collapse.  Unregulated communal altruism can lead to despotism, a denial of individual rights and, logically, societal collapse.  In the continuum between extreme individualism and extreme communal altruism, each of us, and I believe, each economy, must seek a balance point.

Thus, I reach the point of my message.  In practicing tough love on our personal idols, we must not elevate things, work or even individual people above a concern for the greater good.  Many people are, for example, addicted to work or addicted to romantic love.  They do so at the risk of forgetting a higher purpose to also serve and love others.  They are out of balance.  For those of us who call for greater communal altruism from ourselves, our church and from our government, I believe there must be tough love on the extremes of that impulse as well.  The balanced way, as I propose and as many of us already practice, is a spiritual form of ethical egotism.  We serve the needs of the self but we serve the needs of others even more.  Such is a model for us and for our nation.

As I often say, truth for ourselves and in our political economy is not found in the extremes.  Life is never black or white.  It is grey and muddy and confusing.  Ethical egotism is not easy to practice or even fully define.  As I said, we each find the balance point in our own lives.  But ethical egotism is a middle path to finding truth in the best and highest aspects of both individualism and communal altruism.  Neither is right and neither is wrong.  They are both good.

In the freedom to express ourselves, our beliefs and our personal choices in life, we must never, ever forget the high call to love our neighbor more than we love ourselves.  In this month of love, I must exercise my own form of inner tough love.  Yes, I will buy a box of chocolates for myself and I will eat them without guilt, but I’ll also buy some for Ed, for my family and for those in need.  I wish you all peace and joy…

Message 46, “Positive Change for a New Year: Practicing Affirming Speech”, 1-23-11

© Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Service-Program, 01-23-11

As much as I sincerely believe that there are many pathways to find Divine truth or God, if you will, I continue to nevertheless be drawn to Jesus and his simple beauty as a human being.  His attitudes and teachings never cease to shock and amaze me for they are generally counter to my own flawed human nature.  As an immensely popular figure in his time, he refused to hang out with the self-avowed A-List or beautiful people.  He dined regularly with prostitutes, criminals and cheats.  He befriended common laborers, adulterous women, and Roman collaborators.  He physically touched, hugged and soothed lepers, people with contagious skin conditions, bleeding disorders, the sick and the blind.  It appears that he purposefully chose to associate with the worst, the weakest and the outcast members of human society while avoiding the rich and powerful elites who thought themselves superior to others.  By his example and his teachings, he encouraged others to act likewise.  This is the heart of the Divine, he seemed to say, to love, forgive and see the good in each and every human – no matter how supposedly immoral, wrong or diseased they are.   As a human being, Jesus was not perfect.  He got angry.  He expressed fear and worry.  He hated and called out hypocrisy in others.  But he was so radical in his love and forgiveness – especially for the least of humanity – that he stands out as an historically remarkable individual.  It is for that reason that I believe his followers later created a religion based on his teachings.  The layers of myth and supernatural power were only later added to his life story.

As I conclude this January series on “Positive Change for a New Year”, I want to focus today on an underlying principle behind Jesus’ actions and teachings.  The heart of the Divine One sees each of us from a perspective of love.  And in that love, there is no recognition of flaws, sins or failures.  People are seen for the innate goodness found in each individual.  That Divine heart, beating within each of us, is to see others with gentleness, love and respect.

I believe that practicing affirming or positive speech towards others is one important way we manifest such unconditional respect for others.  Positive speech reduces conflict, encourages cooperation, builds confidence, discourages negativity, and acts out our desire to be more loving.  Generosity of spirit, kindness, praise and respect bring out the best in people.  After all, as Jesus demonstrated with his life, everyone is deserving of kindness.

Dismissing, rejecting, disrespecting or speaking angrily to others only brings out the worst in them – and in us.  The language we use has a direct impact on the type of world in which we live.  Even more, according to the Law of Attraction that I mentioned in last week’s message, the words and thoughts we commonly employ in our speech will determine the kind of people and events – either positive or negative – we attract into our personal lives.

I believe that our culture and society has become too focused on finding fault, assigning blame and looking for reasons to be offended.  Before speaking, I want to seek understanding of the other and their actions, acknowledge that mistakes happen, accept that nobody is perfect – least of all me, and look for the goodness within that person.  To the one who has nagged me about a problem, I might see someone who is concerned and worried about my well-being.  To the one who is needy of my time or attention, I might see affection.  To the one who speaks with lots of bravado and over-confidence, I can see bravery.  In doing so, I hope that my words to him or her will then be laced with kindness, tact, forgiveness, empathy and affirmation.   And in turn, I will likely be spoken to in the same manner.  If I wish to be loved, I must be loving.  I must lead by example.

In practicing positive speech, I communicate first and foremost with respect.  First of all, I acknowledge that everyone has valuable ideas and, while I might disagree with someone, that does not negate the wisdom and value of the other person.  Instead of rejecting a comment outright with negativity, I can instead respond, “That is an interesting idea” or “That is an intriguing question.”   Speaking to someone about a subject on which we disagree, I might also seek further understanding.  My goal is to ask questions, seek solutions and think positively.  Often people react to a thought, idea or suggestion from others too quickly before they have all of the information.  Such quick reactions often lead to apologies.  I must frame my responses and my speech in a context of full understanding of an issue and then gently seek a mutually agreeable solution.

Positive communication with others also involves finding common values or beliefs.  I have often noted that despite the political differences that liberals and conservatives have, both sides share a common goal.  Each seeks to improve the overall well-being of our nation.  While specific ways to achieve that are different, conservatives and progressives share a love of country and of people in general.  If that essential premise is acknowledged, I believe the way we then speak across the political divide will be done with respect and civility.  We have a fundamental right to our beliefs but, most importantly, I do not believe we have a moral right to disrespect, name calling, violent language, or mean spirited words in our debates.

In speech with others, it is also helpful to season comments with honest praise and sincere compliment.  We can look for things the other person does well and then affirm them in that.  Praise should be specific so that the other person does not see it as merely being polite or even condescending.  A compliment is only effective if it is an actual observation of goodness.  Instead of saying someone is a good cook, for instance, we might instead comment that the dish just consumed had great flavor and was perfectly prepared.  In each person, we are able to find, and then specifically praise, excellence.   As Mother Theresa once said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”

Positive communication also involves staying focused on the specific issue being discussed.  Bringing up past hurts or disagreements will only add fuel to a negative atmosphere.  In addition, assigning blame makes an issue personal.  Instead, many experts encourage keeping discussions respectful by talking about our feelings and emotions instead of the actions of another.  We alone are responsible for how we feel.  Nobody makes us feel a certain way and so we must frame our discussions in that light.  We do not accuse.  We simply express how we feel.  This opens up the door to empathy – the other is able to know how an action or event impacted our emotions.

Using tact and wisdom in our speech is also good for creating positive discourse.  Too often people justify rude, curt and cutting remarks by saying they are merely being honest.  The contrary is usually the case – they have been unkind and judgmental.  A proverb by some unknown author states, “Say what you mean and mean what you say but don’t say it mean!”

Positive communication with others also requires forgiveness.  We all make mistakes and the ability to forgive indicates acknowledgement of that fact.  Once again, the practice and heart of Jesus comes into play.  If we truly wish to only see the good in others, forgiveness is a necessary step.  Forgetting someone’s negative actions or words is not always possible.   Forgiving someone who has caused hurt, involves letting go of the grudge and returning the relationship – and our speech – to that of respect and kindness.

Finding the right time and place to communicate with another is additionally important.  When bringing up a difficult subject, it is never helpful to discuss it in front of bystanders or to catch someone by surprise when they are busy.  By waiting and then seeking a quiet place to discuss a disagreement sends the subtle message of respect and gentleness.  And this involves self-control and self-awareness.  Simply because a person might feel offended in one moment does not mean that it is always best to address it then and there.  The heat of emotions suggests that we wait until such anger diminishes – precisely because people often say unkind things or act negatively when they are the most emotional.  Positive speech with others takes place best in situations, times and places where calm and peace can prevail.

We affirm others in our communication if we are also willing to accept responsibility and blame when we honestly perceive we are at fault.  If the circumstances or facts point to our actions as a cause, we can diffuse a negative situation by admitting blame.  Such an attitude reflects an open mind and a willingness to be honest.  It shows others a loving demeanor by accepting responsibility and then seeking solutions to what we have caused.

If we practice all these positive steps in communication – we speak with respect, we seek common ground, we offer praise, we do not blame, we forgive, we accept responsibility when appropriate, we speak only when calm – then I believe our better angels can truly do their work.  What great things might be accomplished with positive speech?  How many hardened and hateful attitudes can be changed?  How many conflicts avoided?  If our goal is to morally imagine a more perfect heaven on earth, shouldn’t it include communication with others that is respectful and loving?  Would that not increase cooperation and thus a solution to many of our personal, national and international problems?  Once again, Gandhi’s words which I mentioned last week resonate strongly – “You must be the change you want in the world.” If we advocate for gay rights, justice for the poor, rights for animals, healthcare for all – in other words, if we seek peace, love and understanding for all people and throughout all creation – we must ourselves first practice and speak peace, love and understanding.  As the song goes, let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me!

Dear friends, I recently ran across a true story that has become legend within a large supermarket store chain.  Several years ago, a grocery store manager called his staff together and encouraged them to put a personal stamp on their customer service.  Johnny, who is a grocery bagger with Down’s Syndrome, thought about his manger’s words but wondered what he could do since he was only a bagger – as he called himself.  A few days later, however, he thought of an idea.  Each day he looks for what he calls a “positive thought for the day” and, if he cannot find one, he makes one up himself.  His father helps him type them into a computer and print then them on strips of paper.  As Johnny finishes bagging a customer’s groceries, he smiles broadly and proudly hands out a strip of paper with his positive thought for the day on it.  The first thought he handed out was by Oscar Hammerstein, “Love isn’t love until you give it away.”

A few days after Johnny began this practice, the manager saw that the cashier lane at which Johnny worked was far too long – stretching well into the frozen foods section.  He immediately called for other cashiers and encouraged customers to shift lanes to save them time.  Nobody moved.  One man said, “We’re here to get Johnny’s thought for the day.”  Another woman said she did not need to get groceries that day but stopped in anyway to get Johnny’s positive thought.  Business at the store increased by over ten percent.   His act encouraged other staff members in the store to act the same – the store florist now randomly hands out carnations to customers.  Others take time during their breaks to wander the aisles seeking to assist the elderly or parents with young children.  A lane was permanently designated as Johnny’s lane and it continues to be the most sought after.  Johnny’s example has since been used in many motivational presentations about the power of positive actions and positive speech.

How we communicate with others and about others is so vitally important in our world.  It is important in our families, in our relationships with partners, lovers and spouses, in our church, in our community and in our nation.  I have encouraged you and me, over the last three weeks, to think about how we might better listen to one another – seeking to understand and empathize, how we can change the negative ways we think about events in our lives and, today, how we can practice loving and affirming speech.  I hope each of us will ponder these few ways we can change ourselves for the better.  You are welcome to check out our website and read these messages on positive change.  My suggestions are not the only ways to change for the better.  However, if we increase our empathy, if we learn to think about our difficult life events in positive ways and if we begin to speak to each other with respect, I believe we will have done a lot.  To recast a verse from the Biblical book of Psalms as our common prayer, “May the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be pleasing in the sight of all…”

To each of you, many of whom I love as sisters and brothers, may we believe in our ideals with passion…….never forgetting to speak them with compassion.