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Our guest speaker on January 27, 2013 was Alice Skirtz, the author of the book Econocide.  Ms. Skirtz has her MSW and PhD in social work and she is an LISW-S.  As the former director of the Salvation Army social services dept. and as one of the founders of the Coalition for the Homeless, she has been a 40 year advocate for the urban poor and homeless in Cincinnati.

To listen to guest speaker Alice Skirtz, click on the download button here:

Message 119, “Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions, Staying Teachable”, 1-20-13

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering, All Rights Reserved

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For many of us who love and appreciate dogs, recent research has looked into how and why they learn.  The American Kennel Club conducted research into ways dogs are teachable, the characteristics that make them so, and the breeds that are best at learning new skills or tricks.  While most dog owners will assert that their Fifi or Fido is the smartest, most loyal, and best looking, this research shows that teachability is not a function of canine intelligence.  Many dogs and breeds are very intelligent but they are not suited for being teachable in the sense that they want to learn and are quick to do so.  Some dogs are patient, gentle and quiet – ones best suited for guarding livestock or for being a household pet that is a loyal companion or a long suffering playmate to young children.  Even so, according to this research, all dogs, at any age, are capable of learning new skills or so-called tricks.

Highly teachable dogs, however, are best suited for herding livestock, for pointing and retrieving, for serving as seeing eye or aid dogs, or for more contemporary skills used in police and military work.  These dogs and breeds are known for having distinctive qualities that make them teachable.  They are energetic, eager, alert, and active with a strong work ethic and very curious minds.  In measuring teachability, dogs that learn well are able to regularly and correctly perform specific skills after only 5 or fewer command and training repetitions.  These dogs, however, are NOT always the best household pets or companions as they get bored easily and they need continual challenges and physical activity to keep them engaged.  As reported by the American Kennel Club in their research, the ten most teachable dog breeds  – but not necessarily the most intelligent  – are the American Border Collie, the Poodle, the German Shepherd,  the Doberman Pinscher, the Golden Retriever, the Sheltie,  the Labrador Retriever, the Papillon, the Rottweiler and last, but not least, the Australian Cattle dog.  If your dog is not on that list, please send your letters of protest to the AKC – and not to me!  And, if you are a cat owner and completely disgusted with my opening remarks, well…we all know that cats are far more intelligent than dogs!

At any rate, what is fascinating to me in doing the research for this message is that the qualities that make a dog highly teachable are the same for humans.  And, as with dogs, every person, no matter how old or young, is capable of learning new things and new skills.  Some people are more disposed to learn quickly but everyone CAN be taught and everyone benefits from lifelong learning and an attitude of teachability.

Phillip B. Crosby, a well known author and business quality management expert, asserted in one of his books that, “There is a theory of human behaviour that says people subconsciously retard their own growth. They come to rely on cliches and habits. Once they reach the age of their own personal comfort with the world, they stop learning and their minds run on idle for the rest of their days. They may progress organisationally, they may be ambitious and eager, and they may even work night and day, but they learn no more.”

This statement sadly describes too many people and can even describe how some of us approach life.  After some years of education and life experience, we settle into subconsciously believing that we know all we need to know.  Our values, our knowledge and our thoughts about any number of subjects, including politics and faith, begin to solidify and soon become rigid and inflexible.  Without knowing it, we can become close minded to anything new or different.  As Phillip Crosby pointed out, we might adopt a few new practices, work hard and even accept some new situations, but we don’t really learn new sets of facts or new skills or new thoughts that take us mentally and physically beyond what we knew and thought when we became too rigid.

As the third and final of my uncommon New Year’s resolutions that we’ve considered in this month of January, I believe that staying teachable is a crucial and foundational attitude for all of us.  Indeed, if we believe we have already arrived at all of the knowledge, opinions and values that we need in life, why should we attend church, why should we read new books, magazines and newspapers and why should we listen to new speakers or attend seminars and classes?  Certainly, many of us continue to do these things all our lives, but to what degree are we truly and honestly open minded?  How much of our reading, listening and so-called learning is derived from books, speakers or shows that confirm and support what we already know and believe?  How willing are we to consider totally new thoughts, skills, ways of life, opinions or values?  How capable are we to accept and adopt significant change in our lives – in where and how we live, work, attend church or find relaxation and entertainment?

While I don’t advocate thoughtless and trivial changing of our deepest convictions at the drop of a hat, I do question whether we are even minimally open to the possibility that we could learn something totally new such that we would dramatically alter our lives and beliefs.  Are we open to the  possibility that we could evolve in our thinking such that over time and after acquiring new knowledge and new insights we would find ourselves changed?

Being teachable, in my mind, is not just having an intelligent mind that is able to assimilate a few new facts.  It involves an attitude and an openness to different ways of life, thoughts and opinions.  It means being willing, no matter how painful, to consider other viewpoints and other approaches to living that are different from our own – and then honestly considering the wisdom and validity of them.  Ultimately, we may not change, but the larger question remains: have we already made up our minds to reject the new and different or, are we truly open to possible change?  Much like highly teachable dogs, do we wag our figurative tails in eager anticipation to hear and learn something new – even if it contradicts what we already think we know?

The Biblical book of Proverbs says that “The discerning heart seeks knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.”  Buddhism confirms this wisdom by asking us to grow through our minds.  Indeed, the goal in life, according to Buddhism, is to reach a state of full enlightenment about all truth.  For Jews, Muslims and Christians, enlightenment is what a person gains in eternal life – thus shaping how he or she lives and what he or she believes.  Paul, writing to the people in ancient Rome, encouraged them not to be conformed to everyday worldly patterns of thinking but to be transformed by the renewing of their minds.  He asked them to be open to radically new ways of spiritual thinking – ones that embodied Jesus ethics of love, compassion, forgiveness, humility, gentleness and generosity.  Instead of living by Roman values of savage, brutal and self-focused thinking, Paul taught a new of way of life that was totally  different.  Significantly, almost all world religions advocate that their particular path to Divine truth is the better way. But, such assertions are premised on a person being open minded and willing to change.  Conversions to any faith cannot happen unless a person is teachable.

What that means for any of us is not that we automatically change our current faith or spirituality.  Instead, what it means for me is that we are called to be teachable, curious and open minded about all things, including the most fundamental faith questions humans ask.  Why are we here?  What purpose do we serve?  Is there eternal life and, if so, what will it look like?  We’re called to learn and consider the elements of ALL faiths, to ask questions, to be spiritually curious and to continually seek after things and matters that are universally and eternally true, right and good.   Spirituality, is not about arriving at hard and fast ideas and beliefs – no matter our faith.  Spirituality involves opening our minds, hearts and souls to what the Divine continually reveals to us and to all humanity.  We are spiritually inquisitive people, therefore, in order to improve ourselves and to then go out and help build a kinder, just and more joy filled world.

Being and staying teachable throughout our lives is about applying several characteristics into how we think and act.  Ultimately, as it is with dogs, teachability is not about innate intelligence.  We all know people who are quite smart but who seem to lack intuitive common sense or basic wisdom.  John Maxwell, the well known contemporary author on business and management skills says, “Teachability is not so much about competence and mental capacity as it is about attitude. It is the desire to listen, learn, and apply. It is the hunger to discover and grow. It is the willingness to learn, unlearn, and relearn.”  For Maxwell and almost any human resource manager or boss in any company or business, teachability is an essential quality desired in an employee.  It is a quality necessary for success in any line of work and, for our purposes, in any life endeavor.

Maxwell outlines several characteristics a teachable person has.  First and perhaps most important, a teachable person listens!   He or she listens with the express intent to understand what the other is saying.  So often we can appear to listen but we are mentally working ahead and thinking about what we want to say, either to agree, disagree or talk about ourselves.  Instead, the point of active listening is to not only hear the words spoken but to actively assimilate them and process them so that we fully understand the point the other is making.  We don’t have to agree or disagree.  Our goal, instead, is to comprehend in such a way that we can  repeat, using our own words, what the other has just said.

Second, teachable persons ask lots of questions.  They are eager and willing to gather more information and gain new insight.  They are like the very eager dog who almost can’t wait to be shown a new skill.  I don’t consider myself perfect in this, but I am often accused of being like a therapist when I talk to folks.  I like to ask lots of questions.  I want to know about people’s lives and their thoughts because they interest me and I learn so much from them.

Third, a teachable person is always looking for teachable moments – those unique times when one can really learn something new and different.  That might come after one makes a mistake or when someone else describes mistakes he or she made and the lessons they learned as a result.  Teachable moments are also occasions to hear new speakers, read new books or watch new movies or shows.  For me, this involves forcibly extending myself beyond what I already believe and think.

When reading facebook updates or my news page, I often struggle with reading posts from friends and others that express ideas and thoughts very different from my own.  I have the impulse to unfriend the person, reply in anger or simply hide their posts.  The same is true with commentators or TV opinion shows I come across.  I try and force myself to read and watch what others have to say not just to hear the arguments of others but to deeply understand them.  I still struggle with the impulse to immediately reject differing thoughts and move on to people and things with whom I agree.  But, as long as what people say is not hateful or mean spirited towards others, I’ll listen.  (I offer the quick aside that I strongly believe we should always be respectful in our language and never speak or write hateful or insulting words to or about anyone.)

When listening to or reading opposing opinions, I try my best to think about what the other is saying and to honestly consider the merits of their point of view.  I still struggle doing this and I may not change my opinion but I hope I am at least open to that possibility.  And, I hope that on occasion I DO change my opinion based on what I read or hear.  I am not anywhere close to perfect in being broadly open minded to opposing ideas but it is an attitude I want to increasingly adopt.  I honestly want to be a teachable person.

Fourth, Maxwell says that a teachable person clearly understands the process of learning.  We learn by regularly examining our lives – our speech and actions.  We determine how well we have performed or how effective our speech has been in any situation.  This is done through honest self-reflection and by asking for the sincere opinion of others.  After doing that, a teachable person then assesses how he or she could have done better.  That is a crucial step in learning when we accept our past mistakes and think about possible future corrections.  We have truly learned, however, when we change our behavior or speech.  Almost anything we do or communicate can be improved and altered if we are teachable and willing to learn.

Last but not least in qualities a teachable person has is the ability and willingness to honestly and deeply ask oneself how willing am I to change?  How truly teachable am I?  Am I too defensive in resisting new thoughts or actions?  Am I too arrogant by insisting my opinions or my way of doing things is absolutely right, no questions asked!?!   Am I too fearful of change and of upsetting the status quo?  Am I too afraid of failure?  Am I too lazy to do the work necessary to change?  We all know that changing our thoughts, actions or beliefs involves a process of learning that takes time and effort.  We have to work!  Am I too complacent and comfortable in my current situation or way of thinking?  Once again, we all know that change involves altering, for a time, our comfort levels and our equilibrium.  Our lives, our world view, our work and even our friends might be upset and disturbed for a time.  Am I willing to endure such hardship in order to realize a greater good?  In determining whether or not we are really teachable, we should ask ourselves these important questions and honestly answer them.  If we then realize we are not fully teachable, we should ask ourselves, do we want to be teachable and do we want to change in order to improve?  Hopefully, we all want to be better and more effective in everything and anything we do.

When I arrived at the three uncommon New Year’s resolutions I’ve used in this January message series, I saw them as three separate and unique resolutions.  As I said two weeks ago, they resonate with me.  Going through the process of researching and writing these messages, I see the three resolutions are related to each other in ways that I had not earlier seen.

I said last week that a primary goal in our lives is to live at peace with ourselves and with others.  Toward that end, one personal resolution we can undertake is to accept others as they are and to stop being judgemental.  Related to what we are discussing today, we can only change ourselves.  We cannot change others.  They must do so themselves.  Our task is to encourage people and not judge them.  Our call is to respect, honor and love all people no matter how different they are from us.

In order to accept others as they are, we will need to find ways to control and properly express our anger.  Yes, others hurt us.  Yes, others express opinions and act in ways that are not only different from our own but seem to confront who and what we are.  Such differences can easily excite feelings of anger or resentment in us.  But, as we discussed last week, anger expressed with violent speech or violent actions are selfish and egocentric.  So too is passive aggressive anger where we hide our feelings while acting out in subtle but destructive ways.  We control angry feelings by remaining calm, by not suppressing the feelings and by actively seeking solutions to issues through gentle dialog and negotiation.

In accepting the differences in others and by finding ways to control our anger, we can build peace in the world and in our lives by being teachable and willing to change – as we have discussed today.  Usually, that means we are humble enough to accept that others have valid opinions of their own.  We will also accept the very real possibility that we are wrong in at least some of our most sincere thoughts, beliefs or practices.  We are all imperfect people full of issues and flaws.  The beauty in us is revealed by our humility, love and ability to change for the better.   The wise, the good and the strong are those who can accept others as they are, who learn to control and appropriately express their anger and who then are willing and able to be taught and to change.

My dear friends, life is so hard for each and every one of us.  No matter who we are, we each struggle with ways to live peacefully, happily and healthily.  We each want what every living soul wants – to live with  purpose, to find basic security and to have opportunities to be happy.

On this eve of celebrating one of the great prophets of history, Martin Luther King, Jr., let us live true to his legacy of nonviolent change.  To bring about peace in our time, we must bring about peace in our souls.  Embracing humanity in all its wide diversity, let us act and speak not in anger but in love.  And then, let us work for positive change in ourselves and in our world.

I wish us all great success in our New Year’s resolutions as I wish you each, here and listening online, much peace, joy and love.

 

Message 118, “Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions: Lengthening Our Anger Fuse”, 1-13-13

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

 

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With my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, perhaps some of you have heard of the Anger Universal Church of America.  It’s a place that celebrates rage and fury.  Each Sunday, it practices rites of bashing of the heads and the Holy Sacrifice of Community.  It’s mission is to serve its own agenda and NOT yours.   They hold a monthly blessing of the guns.  A statue of Sarah Palin shooting a rifle is above the altar – with the church motto underneath: “We worship the rogue in everyone.”  Insults are traded instead of prayers.  Church patron saints are Mel Gibson and Lorena Bobbitt and a frequent hymn they sing is Merle Haggards “The Fightn’ Side of Me”.

If that sounds like a perfect church for you, then perhaps you’re in the wrong place this morning!  My topic today is the opposite of what might be celebrated at that fictitious church.  Sadly, too many people attend churches that teach gentleness and self-control but, in their everyday lives, such folks act as if they attend the Anger Universal Church.  We’ll consider today the second of my three uncommon New Year’s resolutions I’ve chosen for our January message series: “lengthening our anger fuses.”

Mark Twain, whom many of you know I like to quote a lot, he once said that if one is angry, he or she should count to four.  If one is very, very angry, one should just swear!  Such a witty statement seems to comically support the popular notion that “mad is bad.”  In many churches and among a lot of well meaning people, anger is seen as an emotion we must work to eliminate.  That’s an impossible task.  Anger is a common human feeling and one that, from an evolutionary standpoint, has served us well.  Angry feelings have allowed our species to survive because the emotion stirs us to defend ourselves.  It is a physiological fact that the emotion of anger releases a flood of adrenaline into our bloodstreams initiating the well known “fight or flight” response.  But like many other human emotions, our call is find a way to control angry feelings and to channel them so that they do not control us.  To feel angry for a moment, is not bad.  It is how we respond to that feeling that can be bad.  Indeed, the title of this message is on lengthening our anger fuse such that we find ways to control angry feelings and appropriately express them before they ignite into something destructive – to ourselves and to others.

Almost all of us struggle with how we respond to angry feelings.  We can either explode in fury at a person or a situation, we can engage in more subtle and hidden forms of anger expression, or we can learn to control it and express it in ways that create positive solutions. While we all know explosive varieties of anger, the passive aggressive kind is harder to identify.  Usually, a passive aggressive pulls away and hides their anger while still pouting, demanding their rights, using sarcastic humor and quietly sabotaging a solution.

Ultimately, inappropriate expressions of anger are selfish acts.  Our egos, our sense of self and our beliefs about how the world should operate have been violated and we seek vengeance!  So, we explode or we passive aggressively retreat.   But, too often we fail to deal with what initiated our feelings in the first place.  We don’t calmly verbalize our feelings, we don’t seek a resolution of the problem, we don’t accept something we can’t control, and we don’t forgive and move on.  Bitterness and resentment pollute our thoughts and actions.  As the Buddha pointed out, “Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned.”

Just as our bodies respond to feelings of anger by helpfully pumping adrenaline into our bloodstreams and prompting us to act, our bodies also respond in other ways, most of which are profoundly harmful to us the longer we stay bitter, frustrated and enraged.  Adrenaline causes our hearts to beat faster, thereby raising our blood pressure.  It tells our liver to shut down causing massive amounts of cholesterol to be dumped into our blood instead of being processed and eliminated as waste.  Researchers at the Ohio State University showed that angry feelings also cause the release of an enzyme called homocysteine which narrows blood vessels.  It’s an evolutionary response to pool blood in our core and thus protect us in any physical fight.  People who are chronically angry, resentful or bitter, however, suffer increased heart disease and risk of stroke as a result of this enzyme.  Those who are passive aggressive and hold onto their anger for long periods of time, they experience even higher and more prolonged levels of the enzyme.  From a psychological and physiological standpoint, uncontrolled angry feelings  – whether of the exploding variety or of the passive aggressive kind – both do significant harm.  Uncontrolled anger is an acid that burns all who are touched by it.

As with most life issues we face, I believe there is a spiritual response to feeling anger.  Intuitively, we know there are universal truths of goodness and decency to which we are called to practice.  Indeed, spirituality is about searching for ways to live more peacefully, cooperatively and lovingly.  As I often note when we discuss matters of self-growth, we cannot hope to heal a broken and hurting world unless we also heal our broken and hurting selves.  A spiritual effort to alleviate hate and injustice in the world must begin with a spiritual journey to heal the self –  one’s mind, soul, heart and inner being.  How can we hope to eliminate warfare, bigotry and hatred – all expressions of anger of one sort or another – if we cannot learn to better control anger within ourselves?  As we often say, we must BE the change we want to see.

For myself, I don’t usually vent my anger with great outbursts of rage.  As a conflict avoider, I hate violent, bitter or vicious expressions.  Because I saw too much of that in my youth, my tendency is to retreat and suppress anger or conflict.  That may be one reason why it took so long for me to come out as a gay man – I avoided confronting the truth in myself and the resulting conflict with all that I had been taught.

But by suppressing angry feelings, I do not eliminate them or resolve them.  They still linger and they burn a hole in me.  I can express those inner feelings in passive aggressive ways by withholding kindness or being more distant.  Over the years, I have forced myself to be more open about how I feel and what I think.  When conflicts do arise or when I do feel angry emotions, I am learning to engage in calm discussion and to find solutions versus avoiding conflict and thus feeling bitter.  I am not even close to being cured of this issue, but I am growing.

The opposite of my approach of suppressing anger is to loudly and violently burst into rage and use physical or verbal violence.  We see that too often today with shootings, war, hate filled speech, name calling, bullying and enraged tirades.  Such visible manifestations of anger do great harm both physically and psychologically – to the victim and the perpetrator.  An end to violence in our time requires a conscious effort to control and appropriately express any type of uncontrolled or inappropriate anger.

The Greek philosopher Horace said that an outburst of anger is momentary madness.  And, when we see or experience such anger, we know that Horace was right.  Angry people can act in ways that are irrational and totally contrary to their values.  Almost all experts and spiritual commentators, however, assert that we can learn to control our angry feelings.   The prophet Muhammad said that, “The strong is not the one who overcomes people by use of his strength, rather he is the one who controls himself while in anger.”

To that end, experts propose that the first and most important way to control our anger is to claim it, acknowledge it and identify it.  Since feelings of anger are natural and a part of a survival instinct, to deny we are angry is to lie to ourselves and to others.  When we feel angry, we should admit it and then identify what has really upset us.  Too often we can feel anger at a person or event for no reason.  Instead, we might really be upset about something else.  We must learn to be honest with and about our feelings.

The second step we should take, after admitting we feel angry, is to simply pause.  In almost all instances of feeling anger – ones where we are not threatened with immediate physical harm – we should make a conscious decision to overcome the instant impulse to fight or run away.  Instead, experts suggest several practices when we feel anger.  One is to engage in deep breathing – inhaling to the count of four and exhaling in the same way and to do this for as long as it takes to feel calm again.  Such deep breathing oxygenates our brains to help us think more clearly and it immediately helps to slow down our heart rates.  That, in turn, slows the distribution of adrenaline throughout our bodies and physically helps us counteract the fight or flight impulses caused by that hormone.  Other experts say we should close our eyes to help refocus our minds.  Still others say we should move into sunlight either by going outdoors or moving to a window.  Sunlight affects how we think and literally brightens dark outlooks.  With prolonged feelings of anger, some experts encourage exercise as a way to release pleasure causing endorphin hormones.  And, still others, suggest finding humor in a situation.  We might see the silliness in getting angry at something we can’t control – like shaking our fist at traffic – or the ridiculousness of an insult thrown our way.  The ability to laugh at oneself or find humor in the middle of any conflict is a perfect cure.  We so often take ourselves too seriously and feel insulted when we should simply laugh or let comments pass.

Whatever we do, this crucial second step is to purposefully pause and stop any impulsive action or speech.  Importantly, we should tell the person at whom we are angry that we are not ignoring them but taking time to reflect and cool down.  That admission may help the other person do the same.

In our digital age of instant and impersonal communication via e-mail, text messages and facebook, it is even more important to stop and pause when we feel angry.  Far too many e-mails and text messages are sent out in anger, often making accusations and using speech that is not only hateful but incorrect.  One should resolve never to send out an e-mail or other instant digital communication in any conflict, disagreement or anger situation without first saving it, waiting on it and then re-reading it a day or two later.

Once we sense our anger is under control – that we don’t feel impulses of rage – we can begin to deal with the feelings.  Spiritual advisers encourage people, as a next step, to tap into their inner values of kindness, mercy and forgiveness.  This must be a conscious decision.  It won’t be easy.  If we focus on being graceful and kind to the other, angry feelings will dissipate.   Acting with grace means understanding why the person acted as they did, feeling compassion and love for the person and then simply extending mercy by offering forgiveness.  As I said, this must be an intentional effort on our part – at least while we are trying to change.  In time, turning anger into mercy will become increasingly natural.

The fourth step in controlling our feelings of anger or bitterness is to think about, and then seek, solutions to the issue.   This involves calmly communicating to the other person, if possible, why we feel angry.  One should avoid loud and accusatory words while, instead, making calm statements of fact – saying, for example, “When you forgot my birthday, I felt ignored and angry.”  With such a simple admission, people can move toward a solution and find ways to prevent future conflict.  Ultimately, as we all know, the spirituality we all seek is to live in peace.  Do we pursue vengeance and thus an increase in anger or do we seek peace – a way to move beyond our hurt?  Are we part of the problem of anger in our world or part of the solution?

Last but not least, we can help reduce future feelings of anger by recognizing their triggers in us.  By admitting to our anger triggers, we can better plan control strategies for the future.  And, by knowing our anger triggers we can also explore the underlying causes of them.  Are there issues of self-confidence or self-esteem involved in my anger?  If so, how can I work to feel better about myself?  If being angry at a lack of control over people or situations causes me to feel anger, what thoughts help me feel better?  Might I focus on areas of life I can control – and simply accept the rest?  Or, might I seek strategies to solve the problem and thus reassert control?  If traffic makes me feel out of control and angry, perhaps I can drive at different times or use a different driving route or listen to soothing music or practice deep breathing.  Those who are impotent, they rage and fume at the world.  Those who are powerful, they work toward a solution.

One of Jesus’ primary concerns was the hypocrisy he saw in so-called moral and religious persons.  Addressing that concern, he spoke against appearing outwardly good while being inwardly flawed.  People can be like whitewashed tombs, he said.  They can appear clean and bright on the outside but be dirty and full of death inside.  To those who piously speak against adultery, he said that lusting in one’s heart and mind is virtually the same thing as actually being unfaithful.  Regarding perfectly valid opinions against murder and violence, he pointed out that people symbolically murder others with their inner anger even as they appear outwardly pleasant and nice.  That can hold true for me and perhaps some of you.  Outwardly, we can appear kind but inwardly we can seethe with bitter thoughts.  We act on those thoughts by withholding affection, kindness and resolution of a problem.  Some of us don’t hide our anger but verbally abuse others as a result of angry feelings.  Based on Jesus’ ethics, however, if we hold onto or express uncontrolled and unresolved anger, we are no better than the violent thugs we all condemn.  We have symbolically committed murder.

But such anger and violence toward others is exactly what all of us oppose.  We sing hymns yearning for peace.  We pray against hate.  I sign most of my e-mails and letters extending peace.  If we actively seek peace in our world, if we speak against violence, rape, intolerance and hate, if we voice protest against war, if we decry horrible mass shootings, then we must also be true to those ideals with our hearts, minds, words and actions.  We must seek to control the anger that poisons our souls.

In the year ahead, I encourage us to consider the uncommon New Year’s resolution to lengthen our anger fuses by learning and adopting ways to control it.  Let us find solutions to issues that divide us and then let us open our hearts to show mercy and forgiveness to any and all who have angered us.  If there is anyone in our lives right now with whom we hold active or suppressed anger, we must let it go.   Let us undertake in the weeks ahead to do so.  We must search out that person and seek resolution of our issue with him or her.  If they do not respond, we have done our part.  If they do, we have helped build peace in our time.  Whatever we do, we must forgive, let go and move on to renewed love.   Holding onto anger and expressing it in hateful or passive aggressive ways helps to destroy the world.  Let us, instead, build a better world by resolving to build better, more peaceful and less angry selves.

 

And, indeed, I wish us all much peace and joy…

 

 

Message 117, Uncommon New Year’s Resolutions: Accepting Others as They Are, 1-6-13

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

 

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Some anonymous witty person once said, “A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.”   And, for those of you who keep track, I used this same monthly message theme of uncommon New Year’s resolutions last year.  While all of my messages and their weekly topics are original and I have yet to repeat one, I do repeat some of my monthly themes.

So, if the uncommon resolutions we considered last year did not go in one year and out the other, you’ll remember they were for us to perhaps resolve to be more gentle, more forgiving or to laugh more.  You can find and listen to those three messages online.  This January, I’ve chosen three more uncommon resolutions that resonate with me.  We’ll consider resolutions to accept others as they are, to be slow to anger and, finally, to stay teachable.

It is said that over 100 million Americans make at least one New Year’s resolution each year.  Only a third will have at least modestly succeeded in keeping their resolution by the following year.  Experts encourage us to allow for lapses and not quit our resolution if we do fail a few times.  The important thing is to approach a resolution one day at a time and seek success for that day only.  Having a friend or family member to act as a cheerleader or encourager is also helpful for most people.  This year, the five most popular resolutions, according to one poll, are to be more productive at work, to get organized, to start a business or find a stable job, to work on boosting one’s self confidence and, fifth, to be more open and friendly toward others.  The resolutions I’ve chosen this year don’t appear on any top ten resolution list for any of the past several years – so, as I assert, I think they are uncommon.

George Bernard Shaw, the famous English playwright, wrote in his play “Pygmalion” that people should consider other people as if they were in heaven, where each soul is equally good and beautiful.  As a socialist, Shaw used many of his plays to poke fun at the arrogant and snobbish attitudes of British aristocracy and the class system that perpetuated their control.  And his play “Pygmalion”, better known to Americans as “My Fair Lady”, is one of his most famous and most pointed comments on the class system, whether it be in England or anywhere else.

For our purposes today, Shaw asserts in “Pygmalion” that efforts to judge and classify people by outward appearance, speech or behavior is not only wrong, it overlooks the unique human differences within each person.  Critically judging others is not only arrogant, it ignores what is good, decent and right in each person.  Shaw implicitly suggests in “Pygmalion” that we negatively judge others and seek to change them far too much.  Instead of focusing on our own issues in need of change, we are too eager to note the deficiencies in others, to call their attention to the perceived flaws and then to offer unsolicited opinions on how they should change.

While most of us would never presume to critically judge another because of their race, faith, gender or sexuality, many of us are too willing to find fault with those closest to us – family, friends or associates. We set ourselves as the arbiter of how others around us should act, appear or think.  Without realizing what we are doing, we convey the message that our way of doing things – from the big to the small – is the right way.  Indeed, while we believe we are tolerant and accepting of others, we often fail to really accept and celebrate the differences in those closest to us.

Faced with many pious religious critics of his own, Jesus pointedly called them out for their judgemental attitudes.  He said to one group of religious elites, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?”

This vivid analogy used by Jesus – of big or small pieces of wood in one’s eye – is memorable and perfectly captures his teaching style.  What Jesus taught with the analogy was not only a lesson against hypocrisy but also a well-known fact.  It is not our duty, nor within our capacity, to create lasting change in others.  Change in behavior must come from within a person and from their own conscious decision to learn, grow and improve.   As Jesus taught, we must not try to change or be critical of others.  We should judge and change ourselves first.

This attitude gets to the heart of loving the self and loving others.  It’s a spirituality of acceptance and total tolerance of others that is rooted in a love foe all people.  Jesus taught that we must not judge and we are to turn the other cheek.  The Buddha encouraged his followers to cultivate a limitless heart toward others.  Echoing Jesus, the prophet Muhammad taught his followers to first accomplish a “conquest of the self” and thereby love others first.  Deepak Chopra, the contemporary spiritual commentator, says that inner peace comes from an acceptance of other people, events and situations as they occur.  While he says every event in our life offers seeds for self growth, we must engage in “defenselessness”.  This involves letting go of a desire to blame or find fault in others or in ourselves.  Genuine peace and love comes not from complaint, bitterness or anger at others or at ourselves.  Instead, we are to act in a manner that models the better behavior we advocate.

And that is exactly what Jesus taught the pious religious critics who enjoyed judging others based on how they acted, prayed or believed.  They judged others while ignoring the blatant ways they themselves were unloving and hypocritical.   This is also an essential message found in the play “Pygmalion”.

Henry Higgins spends weeks cajoling and teaching Eliza how to be a refined and genteel woman.  After she successfully acts out at a garden party what she has learned about being a so-called lady, Higgins exults.  He had crafted an aristocrat out of a supposedly low class prostitute.  But it was all veneer with no substance. Indeed, the socialist Shaw makes the larger point that by focusing on Eliza’s outward appearance, language and behavior, Higgins followed the arrogant notion that goodness is found in superficial qualities like dress, speech and wealth. That is the false criteria of class, according to Shaw.  Higgins treated Eliza like an object to be shaped, much like the play’s namesake Pygmalion of Greek mythology.

In that myth, a lonely and unmarried artist yearns to meet a perfect woman.  He sculpts his image of female perfection in marble, which the goddess Aphrodite then brings to life for him.  The artist soon learns that perfection is not the ideal he envisioned, as the woman is too perfect and thus lacks the kind of real humanity we all desire in our romantic partners.

But that is also how Eliza turns out.  She is too perfect.  After all of Higgins’ teaching efforts to change her, Eliza acted the part of a beautiful, elegant and refined aristocratic woman too well.  It was a false front that hid the unique inner strength and power of Eliza, the street smart survivor whose own parents had largely abandoned her.

Shaw uses Higgins’ friend Colonel Pickering as the moral center of his play.  Pickering does not instruct Eliza how to act nor does he endorse efforts to change her. Instead, he very simply treats her with respect, concern and decency.  Shaw notes in the play that while Higgins treats everyone he meets with the same condescending manner that only he knows how people should act, Pickering treats everyone he meets, no matter how low or high class they are, as a Duke or Duchess.  Indeed, Eliza herself tells Colonel Pickering that it was HE who taught her how to be a real lady – one of kindness, gentleness and humility.  He did so not by instruction, but by simply being a man of kindness, gentleness and humility.  Pickering democratically celebrates each person without trying to change or judge them.

And that is precisely the spiritual message we might learn and New Year’s resolution we might adopt.  Instead of seeking to tell others how to act, we must simply BE an example of how we believe others should act.  If we want to change others or change the world, we must BE the change we want to happen.   Does a loved one or partner or friend have a behavior you wish they would change?  Instead of nagging the person or telling them how wrong they are, our call is to accept the person as they are and encourage change, if it is even needed, by being the person we are.  We are to stop judging and start being.  That does not mean abandoning values and principles we believe are right and true.  It means, instead, that we accept the truth that the only person we can change is ourselves.  Genuine change in any person is a function of inner resolve and not a force that comes from outside.

This truth is consistent with the idea that god is not an outside force that influences the world.  We are the gods and goddesses who change the world for better or for worse.  The same holds true for our inner minds, thoughts and behaviors.  We are the gods and goddesses who make ourselves grow and learn.  Change in us comes not from the God of the Bible or from anyone who presumes to act like God by judging us. It is we who initiate inner change and we who then execute it.

Combined with our resolve to accept others as they are, is the need to be empathetic and humble – two ideals I believe are important in any person.  If we accept others as they are and how they act, we empathize with them by seeking to understand the circumstances, facts and underlying reasons for why they act as they do.  Second, in accepting others as they are, we practice humility by realizing our way may not be the only way.  Others act in ways that are neither good or bad – they are just different from our own.  Humility means accepting that fact.  It means seeing the world in a vibrancy of differences – not only of race, faith, gender or sexuality – but in opinions, politics, behaviors, personalities, likes and dislikes.

That returns us to the teachings of Buddha and Deepak Chopra.  By viewing others with a Buddhist limitless heart, we will practice Chopra’s “defenselessness” – accepting people and events as they happen without blame or criticism.  Not only will we find peace within ourselves, we will be at peace with others.

And that is precisely a lesson I must learn.  Not only do I need to try and be more “defenseless” with myself – accepting what I have done and not worrying about the past  – I must find a greater peace with others.  As a parent, I too often nagged and repeatedly suggested how I thought my daughters should act.  I can lapse into that mode too easily now, even though they are adults.  I tell them, for instance, what classes they might take or career paths they could choose.  While I don’t advocate abandoning the role of parent for minor children who depend on safe and loving guidance, my approach with my adult daughters must be more in the form of a cheerleader.  Yes, I’m available to offer advice if I’m asked but often that needs to be in the form of sharing my experiences instead of my opinions.  It should also involve far more listening than talking.  By allowing my daughters to share openly and freely with me about their dreams, fears and mistakes, and without judging them, I offer them the freedom to figure things out for themselves.  And it endorses the idea that only they can change their lives.  I am powerless to do that for them.

As your Pastor and thus your employee, I put myself in a different position with regard to suggestions and criticisms.  I have openly invited and asked for your advice about my work.   Your advice in that regard helps me not only know how you feel about my work performance, but also helps me determine ways to improve and better meet your needs.  And that holds true in most romantic relationships and employee / employer relationships.  If we are truly humble and willing to learn, then we will seek the advice of others.  We will gladly give close family members, best friends and our employers the permission to advise us on matters that pertain to them.

Importantly, however, how we advise or criticize others, even when they ask for our wisdom, is crucial.  Nobody gives permission to be abused or attacked by anyone.  Is our advice to family members or those who work for us about lovingly helping them, or about attacking them?  Do we listen?  Do we have all the facts?  Do we seek solutions?  Do we practice the ethics of love, gentleness, empathy and humility in what we say?  Ultimately, do we practice the Golden Rule – advising and speaking to and about others in the same manner we would want to be advised and spoken about?

A New Year’s resolution to accept others as they are does not mean we should  abandon our own core beliefs and values.  Nor is it about being a doormat and victim.  Instead, it is about a spiritual form of finding peace for ourselves and encouraging it with others.  It’s about finding the kind of inner confidence in ourselves such that we have no insecure impulses to find fault in others.  It means accepting that we alone are responsible for our happiness and success in life.  We cannot expect others to create it for us or to always please us.  Indeed, accepting others for who they are lets go of self-centered thinking that others around us must act and behave as we wish them to act and behave.

Imagine a world where everyone acts as Colonel Pickering does in the play “Pygmalion” – one who treated everyone as a Duke or Duchess. Imagine a world that follows the examples of Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad and Gandhi – those who sought not to judge others but to instead BE examples of peace and goodness themselves.  There is an old Christian cliche that rings true in this regard – one that few Christians truly follow but one that all people could heed.  The saying encourages people to preach the good news of love, generosity and forgiveness as often as possible and, only when absolutely necessary, to use words.  The moral of that saying is to focus on the self and act according to the ideals all of us claim to admire.  We must walk our talk.  Let us not judge as much as let us love.  Let us not seek change in others as much as we seek it in ourselves.  Only by each person working to improve their own inner selves will the world be a better place.

I have many pieces of wood in my eyes.  I assume some of you have a few in your own.  Whether they be bits of sawdust or large planks, such differences about us are what makes the world a beautiful, engaging and fascinating place.  Let us resolve to accept others – and ourselves –  without blame or fault.  And let us acknowledge that if change is needed, it can only come from within.

I wish us all a peaceful and joyous New Year.

Message 116, “It’s A Wonderful Life” Holiday: The Power of an Underdog

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

 

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Over the last two weeks, we’ve looked at this holiday film classic “It’s A Wonderful Life” from a few different angles.  We talked two weeks ago about how the film helps to redefine what is considered to be a family.  George Bailey comes to understand that family is not just those who are related to him by marriage or by blood but by affinity, shared experiences and mutual care.  Family for George and for us are those whom we rely on in times of trouble – friends, associates, members of one’s faith community and even total strangers.  As I said in my message two weeks ago, our real family members are the people in our lives related not by blood but by heart.

And last Sunday, we saw how the film shows us that small acts of kindness or service to others send out waves of influence far into the future – much like ripples created from dropping pebbles into a pond.  George discovers in the movie what life would be like had he never been born – how his family, his friends and his community would be far worse if he had never lived – and thus changed through his big and small acts of influence.  Our call is to live like George – to do our part by impacting the world for the better, and in our own way acting much like the little “g” gods we were created to be.  God is not some outside influence controlling our lives, she or he is us and it is WE who are to work in helping to build a better world.

And consistent with those two themes from the movie is one from the clip we just saw.  Far from being a man of power and wealth, George Bailey is an Everyman.  He’s not college educated, rich or from a prestigious family.  He’s a little guy who fights passionately for what he believes to be right – to help other average people, to speak against greed and indifference, and to promote opportunity for everyone.

George Bailey is the classic underdog in life who is up against strong forces of money and influence exemplified by the town tycoon, Henry Potter.  What he discovers during the course of the film is that genuine strength comes not from being rich, well-armed or connected to people and positions of power.  The paradox of the underdog is that strength comes from weakness, humility, gentleness and concern for others.  George is the perfect Christmas hero – an underdog much like the historical person Jesus was – poor, uneducated, from a backward and insignificant town and born to equally poor, young and uneducated parents.  Despite his flaws, his weaknesses, and his relative poverty, George discovers the innate power of his ethics, compassion and desire for basic justice.  There is strength in weakness.  There is power in being an underdog.

We find hundreds of examples of that fact in history and in popular culture like movies or books.  Fictional and mythological underdogs abound.  Hollywood loves them.  As a few examples for us to consider from fiction and mythology, (show slide) Moses led his people out of slavery and into a promised land – despite his fears and lack of self-confidence.  (show slide) The mythical David, as a symbol of the historically oppressed Jewish people, fought and conquered a much stronger Goliath.  (show slide)  Rocky Balboa is the classic underdog who fought and defeated much stronger boxing opponents.  (show slide)  Clark Kent is the fictional nerd and underdog whose alter-ego is Superman.  (show slide)  Captain Underpants is a contemporary cartoon character who, like many nerds and offbeat kids, fights against bullies and adults who taunt them.  And, finally, (show slide) Rudolph is a classic fictional underdog – a symbol of those who are different and shunned by others.  He nevertheless heroically saves Christmas.

From the pages of history are many other underdogs who altered the course of human life.  (show slide)  Gandhi was a man of small stature with unusual ideas about personal habits but who, by his non-violent protests and ideals, defeated the British Empire and forced it out of his native India. (show slide)  Nelson Mandela fought white establishment and brought down South Africa’s apartheid system from a prison cell.  (show slide)  Abraham Lincoln is the archetype of an American underdog hero.  Educated by himself and a small town lawyer of no wealth or prestige, Lincoln rose to the Presidency and navigated the nation through its most serious crisis.  He had a deep sense of humility and self-effacing charm that acknowledged his underdog status.  Once, when accused by an opponent of being two-faced, Lincoln quickly replied, “If I were two-faced, do you think I would wear the one I have on!?”  (show slide)  Martin Luther King, Jr.  walked in the non-violent footsteps of Jesus and Gandhi to bring down American Jim Crow laws and inspire a nation.

Each of these fictional and historical underdogs found greatness not in money, status or military conquests but in their commitment to high ideals.  They remind us of what we celebrate today – the birthday of a prophet, a teacher, a man of history who has profoundly impacted the world.  One who, by his ideals and his teachings, radically influenced the way humanity thinks about violence, forgiveness and concern for fellow humans.

Whatever our beliefs about the Biblical Christmas story, we cannot ignore its essential message that each of us, in our ordinary or humble ways, can change the world for the better.  As arguably the most influential person in human history, Jesus began, lived and ended his life as an underdog.

Jesus was a nobody who hung out with other so-called nobodies in his society – thieves, prostitutes, fishermen, lepers and women.  He was described as ugly, scorned by the elites and a man of sorrow and depression.  He did not promote the advantages of money or military might but advocated, instead, virtues of meekness, gentleness, forgiveness and non-violence.  Far from being a warrior king of great physical power, he exerted influence through the power of his ideas, his compassion and his humility.  Indeed, Christian author Philip Yancey once said that while the world celebrates wealth and influence – the heart of Jesus was with the poor, weak, hungry, sick and outcast.

We find from the story of Jesus, from fiction and from the examples of history that there is strength in weakness.  There is power in being an underdog.  There is greatness not in arrogance, but in lowliness, flawed humanity and a humble heart.

The irony of this fact is that as humans we strive to be strong, powerful and rich.  We want to be seen as successful in the game of life – as winners and not losers.  Too often, we instinctively celebrate brute strength or great knowledge over thoughtful introspection, war over deliberate negotiation, and ironclad conviction over compromise and cooperation.

Those who are underdogs, who are considered weak by the world’s standards, they often find their power in the ability to see the potential of others.  People who are underdog heroes are not conflicted by their own flaws or diminished by the abilities of others.  They offer the kind of grace and confidence to allow others to achieve and succeed according to each person’s individual strengths.  Most importantly, underdog heroes have deeply rooted empathy for the struggle of others.  Better able than most who enjoy the fruits of wealth, status and success, underdogs understand the difficulties, pain, hard work and perseverance of those who must struggle just to survive.

And Americans have always loved underdogs.  Our nation began as an underdog and we celebrate those who by diligence and effort make their own way in the world.  As a nation of underdogs, we also incline to empathy and compassion for people who are equally underdogs.  We celebrate, serve and cheer them on.  Without making too much of a political comment, our last election was, I believe, decided by this sense of American empathy:  Who did most voters believe is an underdog and thus able to identify with and understand their own personal struggles?

The paradox about ourselves, however, is that as much as we admire strength, we cheer for the underdog.  Our need as individuals and as a nation, however, is to learn and adopt the ethics and values of the humble.  We need to embrace the irony that there is strength and goodness in weakness.  Underdogs are more likely to seek cooperation by promoting the individual strengths of each person.  Underdogs are more able to empathize with the weak and powerless by understanding that only when most people have opportunities in life to achieve and thrive, will society as a whole be better off.

George Bailey did not run a charity that gave out free money nor did he advocate for a government to do the same.  He ran a for-profit bank that trusted the implicit goodness of all people to work hard if only they are given a chance – a helping hand up instead of a helping hand out.  He challenged Henry Potter for not loaning a taxi driver the money to buy a house because the loan was too small and the risk too great.  George’s bank did make that loan, however.  As an underdog, George saw in the taxi driver an ordinary Everyman like himself – someone who worked hard, tried to do the right things in life and dreamed like all people to raise a family in a decent and safe home.  Customers in his bank, as he said in the clip we just saw, are people with dreams and fears and struggles.  They are not cattle or calculations on a ledger sheet for how to amass great wealth.  That is a deeply American value.  It is a deeply human value.  It is an intrinsic value of Christmas and of the historical Jesus.  Every human is fearfully and wonderfully made, with dignity and value, and with unique abilities to offer the world.

This Christmas, let us aspire to our inner underdog.  Let us celebrate a culture of humility, gentleness and, indeed, weakness.  In doing so, we will find new strength, new abilities and new powers to build a more compassionate world.  Out of the tragedy last week in Newtown, Connecticut, we learned even in horrific moments of violence, underdogs have power and strength.  A principal who dedicated her life to serving children, physically threw herself at the armed gunman and helped save many young lives, even as she was herself killed.  A teacher hurriedly rushed her students into a closet and then lied to the gunman that they were in the cafeteria – even as she too was killed but her students spared.  Their names and their legacy of underdog heroism will live far longer than the strutting actions of a gunman who arrogantly sought violence in a false belief it gave him power.

The film “It’s A Wonderful Life” shows us the innate strength of an underdog hero like George Bailey.  The story of Christmas shows us the power of humility and weakness in a child born in a manger.  It shows us the strength of ideals like generosity, care, tolerance, non-violence and forgiveness in the life of that child who grew into a man of no wealth, prestige, beauty or military might.  As people with flaws, insecurities, weaknesses, fears and doubts of our own, let us each find our underdog selves.   True to the life and ethics of Jesus and true to all of history’s underdogs, let us then go out and build a brighter, more peaceful and more joyous world.

 

I wish us all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year…

 

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

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Last Sunday during our communal prayer time, one of you offered up a thought and prayer for those who experience depression during the holidays.  As most of us know, feelings of stress, anxiety, low self-esteem and regret are often strong at this time of year.  We convince ourselves that we have to find the perfect gift for loved ones, that our homes must be decorated just right, that meals should be planned with care and that we should be filled with the joy and excitement of the season.  All around us people seem happy – celebrating the season and the end of a year filled with blessings.  Often, such perceived happiness contrasts with our own sense that life is not perfect, joyful or successful.

And it is interesting that the film “It’s A Wonderful Life” is a holiday classic because it is actually a dark, depressing and often sad film.  It begins with hope and promise – and it does end on an upbeat note – but the body of the movie echoes many of our despondent feelings at this time of year.  Indeed, the film is set during the 1930’s depression period and seems to confirm all of the worst aspects of American life – that it is a hard, dog-eat-dog struggle just to survive.  One film critic at the time of the movie’s release noted that Frank Capra, as the film’s director, showed us how the American dream can too often be an American nightmare.  Capra admitted in an interview, however, that his primary purpose in making the film was to counter the rising trend of Atheism in America.  For him, there was and is a loving God who is active in our lives and whose ultimate design is for our well-being and happiness.

After a life of dashed hopes and deferred dreams, George Bailey discovers that the bank he oversees is missing $8000.00, on the very day a bank auditor is to arrive.   Bitter at how his life has turned out and seeing no way out of his current troubles, George proceeds to a bridge and almost jumps off it as a way to commit suicide.  He’s rescued, however, by his guardian angel Clarence who ironically jumps off the bridge first.  George forgets his own suicidal intentions and rescues Clarence – thereby at least temporarily saving himself.  Even so, he soon thereafter mutters to Clarence that he wishes he had never been born – his life being one of unrealized hopes, empty promises, endless drudgery and now almost total ruin.

It is fitting that George saves himself by saving someone else.  And that is the story of his life.  Like some of us who try to always be the likable and dutiful Boy or Girl Scout – always doing the right thing – George is the consummate “Do Gooder.”  He dreams of leaving small town Bedford Falls and making his mark in Europe or other exotic places – only to take over the small town family bank when his dad unexpectedly dies.  With money tight, he foregoes college so that his brother Harry can go.  He saves the life of his brother and the reputation of the drunken town pharmacist who nearly poisons a customer.  He and his new wife cancel a long planned honeymoon by using their savings to cover the withdrawal demands of bank customers caught in depression era financial panic.  He settles into a life of a small town banker, making little money, just so that community members can buy homes and start businesses.  He buys an old house that is in constant need of repair.  He and his wife have several children with their own continual needs.  Life for George seems to be one long struggle of doing the right thing while forsaking his own joy.  What seems like the last straw in a life of setbacks, George’s bungling uncle loses an $8000 deposit and George is faced with the end of his bank, financial ruin and possible prison.

As George’s guardian angel, Clarence is ordered by his heavenly superiors to help George see the so-called light.  In this way, Capra reveals his stated purpose for making the film.  Life is indeed difficult and it is a struggle for so many people.  But, as Capra takes pains to show, God allegedly intervenes in our behalf.  God intends for our good, according to Capra, and he actively works to defeat evil and promote general well-being.  Clarence, the guardian angel, takes George on a unique journey to show him what life would be like had George’s wish come true – that he had never been born.  An alternate universe opens up for George – one where his brother is dead because there was no George to save him, and his wife is a lonely, unmarried spinster because there was no George to fall in love with her.  Bedford Falls is unrecognizable because it lacks the homes and businesses George’s bank helped finance.  Indeed, it is no longer Bedford Falls but, instead, “Pottersville” – a sinister place of seedy bars and rampant crime, owned and controlled by the greedy tycoon capitalist Henry Potter.

As Clarence tells George, he is offered a unique gift.  He is given the opportunity to see what life would be like had he never existed.  What George discovers is that the world and life in general would be dramatically different had he not been born.  Clarence says to George, “Strange, isn’t it?  Each man’s life touches so many other lives.  And when he isn’t around he leaves an awful hole, doesn’t he?”  And that is ultimately the message of the movie and of my message today.

Every single one of us are, like George Bailey, agents of change.  We exert strong power over time and space.  Any one of our actions or words alters the course of our lives and, usually, the lives of many others.  As I often say, and as a foundation of my theology, we do not honor and celebrate a supernatural god that controls the universe.  Instead, God is us and it is WE who are uniquely called to help build a better world.  Here at the Gathering we celebrate the god power in each person – the potential for goodness, altruism, compassion and generosity that dwells in EVERY heart.

Humans are not mere puppets manipulated by a great deity from above.    We choose, like George Bailey, the life we lead and the legacy we leave behind.  Our lives have a purpose and a meaning to change the course of history – in good ways or bad.  It is up to us – every one of us – to be the god force that is active, alive and powerful in this world.  God is us.  We are god.

And, surprisingly, it was Jesus who taught this very idea.  As written in the Biblical book of John, he reminded a group of Jews that Scripture itself tells us that we are ALL gods.   During one of his visits to Jerusalem, pious but hypocritical Jews demanded that Jesus offer proof that he was the Messiah.  Instead of answering them, Jesus referred them to an often forgotten Psalm where God tells humanity that they should “Defend the weak and the fatherless; uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy and deliver them from the hand of the wicked. You are gods; you are all sons and daughters of the Most High.”

Jesus reminded the Jewish doubters of his own acts of compassion and called them to heed these words of the Divine.  They are to be gods.  They are to work in our world to make it better just as he, Jesus, had been doing.  Instead of yearning for a Messiah to save them from an evil filled world, Jesus implicitly told them to get to work!  You’re god!  You’re to be your own messiah!  Stop piously sitting on your hands while praying for a perfect world.  Get out there and BE god by rescuing the poor, the hurting, the outcast, lonely, depressed and marginalized people in life.  Stop dreaming about heaven.  Go out and build it!

And ironically that is just what the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” teaches us.  Instead of telling us that it is God who intervenes in our world to make it better, we are shown that it is George Bailey and people like him who make the real difference.  George is flabbergasted at the darker world he sees would have resulted without him.  Instead of continuing to despair over an unfulfilled life that seemed empty of excitement, George finally understands the wonder and beauty of his own life of impact.  He’s shown the joy he gives his wife and friends, the promise he offers his children, the courage he’s offered his brother, the humility and decency he practices for his community, and the moral purpose of his life-long stand against heartless and rampant greed.  By every life choice, by every small deed, by every gesture, word and thought, George had dropped a pebble into the pond of life – sending out ripples and waves of impact that helped create a richer, kinder and better world.  At the end of the film George understands that far from being a hopeless, meaningless and joyless life, it is instead quite wonderful!

By each of our small acts in behalf of others, history is constantly rewritten and life becomes a wondrous journey of purpose.  We are NOT bystanders or puppets in the drama of life, but living gods and goddesses who impact other lives and, indeed, all eternity by our simple acts of kindness and service.

The film, then, reminds us of many stories about making a difference in our world.  I’m reminded of the old fable about a young boy and an old man who come across a very long beach filled with thousands of starfish, all washed ashore and slowly dying in the heat of the sun.  The old man stooped down and began to pick up starfish, one by one, and tossed them as far as he could back into the ocean.  The young boy, with tears in his eyes, looked up at the old man and said, “But, sir, look around us at all of this death.  Thousands are dying.  What difference can you make?”  The old man smiled, patted the boy on the head and reached down again to pick up a starfish and throw it back into the sea.  “Ah, you see my young friend, I have just made all the difference in the world for that one starfish.”

So too are we reminded of actual persons in history who dropped small pebbles in the pond of life.  In the midst of one of the greatest horrors perpetrated by mankind against fellow humans, when over six million people were systematically slaughtered during the holocaust, only a few people morally stood above the rest.

Outside of the Auschwitz death camp, Oskar Schindler operated a factory producing war goods.  His factory employed Jews relocated from homes across Europe to the horrors of Auschwitz.  But Schindler fought and argued for every Jew in his employ and on his special list of factory workers.  As long as they were one of his employees, they were protected and they would not be killed.

Stories are told of the Auschwitz camp commandant Amon Goeth, who for pleasure used a sniper rifle to shoot and kill young children in the camp yards.  Or, how he would turn loose his two German Shepherd dogs to tear apart – limb by limb – Jews who displeased him.  In one incident, the commandant came across a man in Schindler’s factory who was crying uncontrollably.   He was told the man despaired over the deaths of his wife and children who had just been sent to the gas chamber.  Goeth told the man he would help him then and there join his family in eternity.  He aimed his gun at the man and sadistically ordered him to drop his pants and begin running.  Schindler looked out his office window and saw what was happening.  “Stop!” He shouted.  “You’re hurting the morale of my workers which hurts the cause of the fatherland.”  Goeth ignored Schindler and continued to take aim at the trembling man.  In desperation, Schindler called out to Goeth and promised him a bottle of Schnapps if he would spare the man.  Finally, Goeth complied.  The man survived the war.

Another Schindler Jew was Murray Puntierer who also survived Auschwitz, emigrated to the US and founded a construction company in New Jersey that eventually employed thousands and built hundreds of homes and businesses.  Puntierer named 21 New Jersey streets and even a public plaza after Schindler.  He often reminded others that it was not he to thank for their homes and jobs, but Oskar Schindler for saving his life.

Near the end of the war, over five thousand Jews whom Schindler had saved gathered around to give him a handmade ring with a Hebrew inscription on it: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire.”  One man, five thousand pebbles dropped in the pond of life, and the course of history is changed in countless ways for the better.

I do not believe any of us are so naive or so simple as to believe that life is not harsh and cruel.  Just within our own congregation, people hurt, worry, are lonely, frightened and have major health challenges.  How, for them or for many, many others in our world, can it be a merry Christmas or a happy holiday?  Such words too often seem hollow and trite.

But the message of the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” and of Christmas itself is that any one of us, no matter our age, health or condition, has a meaning and purpose in life.  The Christmas story of a poor young child, born out of wedlock in a backward and insignificant corner of the world, is that one person CAN make a difference in the lives of countless others.  Much like Jesus, one person has the power to speak words of truth and compassion; one person has the power to touch and heal; one person has the power to give and share; one person has the power to uplift and ennoble the weak, outcast and marginalized; one person – in doing any or all of these things – has the power to change the world.

You, me, all of us do not lead hopeless and empty lives.  Indeed, we must BE the living embodiment of hope to others.  We’re the light, we’re the god or goddess, and we’re the source of tolerance, joy, kindness and generosity in the lives of our families, friends and strangers.  We have the god power to inspire others by our example, to serve by our hands, to forgive by our humility, to comfort by our love, and to soothe by our kind words.  From the moment we emerge into this noisy and confusing world and until the time we slip into the light of eternity, we each have a purpose.  Heaven on earth is our vision, working to build it is our task and celebrating the wonders of life is our motto.  This Christmas, this New year and all the days each of us have left, may we live, act and speak as the gods and goddesses we were created to be.  Let us drop our own pebbles into the pond of life and send out ripples of goodness into the far reaches of space and time…

I wish you all much holiday peace, hope and joy.

 

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

 

Watch a film clip here: http://movieclips.com/Z2bMU-its-a-wonderful-life-movie-every-time-a-bell-rings-an-angel-gets-his-wings/

Download below recording to listen to the message.   See below to read it.

The Frank Capra movie “It’s A Wonderful Life”, that we just saw a clip from, has become a classic holiday film because it speaks to a number of ideals about life, hope and generosity – all of which resonate strongly at this time of year.  If we hope to find any meaning from the holidays beyond gifts, shopping and festivities, we’re called to pause and reflect on the deeper values that underpin the “reason for the season.”

One particular value from this holiday film is that family bonds and togetherness are vitally important, especially at this time of year.  Whether we have a happy holiday or not, much of that is determined by the community sharing we experience.  And, like all holiday related values, the need for strong community ties in our lives is universal and extends throughout the year.  Importantly, this depression era film asks us to consider: What constitutes a family and to whom are we to show love, care and concern?

In the Biblical New Testament Book of Matthew, Jesus is told by a group of his followers that his mother and brother were outside and wanted to see and speak with him.  Jesus immediately asked the crowd, “Who is my mother?  Who is my brother?”  He looked around and then he extended his arms inclusively outward and told the crowd, “Behold, my mother, my brother, my sisters!  Whoever does the will of God, he or she is my brother, my sister, my mother.”

If we believe that a historical Jesus did live, and that he taught universal values of what is good, true and right, then we can assume that his teachings were and are the will of God, or whatever higher power you choose to believe.  What he taught his followers about family, therefore, was a radical change from what people of his time thought and, indeed, what we often believe today.  Family is not just about blood ties or bonds of legal marriage.  Family, for Jesus, was the people who cared for him, shared his values of concern for the outcast and the weak, and actively worked as he did to love, serve and give.  Family was also the poor, sick, hungry and homeless.  Jesus redefined what family is – from ties that bind due to blood ancestry to ties that bind because of affinity, common values, shared experiences and simple compassion.

And that is a recurring theme in the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.”  Wives, husbands, partners, children, grandparents and other blood relatives are important.  But, one’s true and lasting family is ALSO comprised of those upon whom we relate to beyond birth and ancestry.

No matter the context of what comprises family for any of us, most psychologists assert that a communal family of some type, or lack of that, is the single most important incubator for who we become in life.  Whatever functional or dysfunctional family unit to which we belonged as children, it is what teaches us (or fails to teach us) essential life coping skills – how to get along, negotiate, cooperate, share, serve and love.   Studies show that families that encourage learning and education produce higher achieving children.  Families that are secure, nurturing and accepting of individual differences produce better adjusted and more self-confident adults.  Family or communal life also determines our overall health – it is the unit that often tends to our needs, encourages preventive medical care, hygiene and exercise.  Families or similar communities are also primarily responsible for fostering positive characteristics of resilience, self-esteem, confidence and mental well-being.  As a social structure, a family type unit is the primary and most important force in the formation and strengthening of our personalities, values and gender identity.  Whatever form they take for any of us, from a kinship based family to a group like the Gathering, it’s clear that a caring and nurturing community is essential for our well being both as children and as adults.  For better or for worse, family life of any type charts our path in life and largely determines who we are.

Such strong family or community ties are celebrated in the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life.”  In a dark, frustrating and often sinister world that was depression era America, George Bailey, as the main character and played by everyman actor Jimmy Stewart, finds that his family and community of friends are the true sources of strength and meaning in his life.

Just as important, George comes to understand his own role in the drama of life – how he is ALSO a force for security and service to his wife, children, brother, parents, friends AND community.  He forsakes a college education so his brother can have one.  He abandons hopes to leave his town when he assumes leadership over the bank his father founded.  He does so in order to save it and its community focused ideals from greedy capitalists.  He oversees his bank’s lending so that community members can buy and afford homes.  He and his wife forego a long planned honeymoon and use the money to cover the savings of bank customers.  He saves his brother from drowning, prevents a young boy from being poisoned and, most importantly, saves Bedford Falls from being taken over by the tycoon capitalist Potter.  George positively impacts the lives of countless people – many of whom gather in his home at the end of the movie to return the favor by rescuing him from financial ruin and possible prison.  His focus was not just on his own personal interests or even on those of his small biological clan.  His concern was for the larger tribe and community of people to which he belonged.

Like Jesus’ teachings, the film helps to redefine the notion of family.  George’s real family are the friends and community members whom he served and who, in return, serve and love him.  Far from being a movie about so-called traditional family values, “It’s A Wonderful Life” encourages us to consider the spirit of the holiday season in the light of Jesus’ teaching about family.  We are to look around us as he did, out in the streets beyond our doors and windows, to find our family.  We find there that family is a gay or lesbian couple, a single mom working to support her children, a single man or woman living alone, a foster family, a cohabitating couple, a lonely person in a nursing home, a sick child, a family huddled in the cold outside of the Freestore waiting for their food basket.   Who, for us, is our mother, our brother, our sister?

For just a moment, indulge me as I brag about my daughter Sara.  I love her no matter what, but Sara exhibits a kind of deep compassion for young children and those on the margins of life that touches and impresses me.  Sara works at a home for mentally challenged women – many of whom are Medicaid wards of the state and have no relatives who visit or care for them.  By most standards, they are all alone in life.

Every year at Christmas, Sara and her co-workers take the women in their care to nearby stores and allow them to pick out and buy a few items of their choice.  The women don’t ask for much and most of what they pick out are small trinkets.  Even so, this outing is anticipated weeks before and the event is a major highlight in the lives of the women residents.  What is even more remarkable is that Sara and her co-workers pay for the items from their own personal funds.  Like all of those who live in Medicaid facilities, the women residents have no money.  And, like most social workers, Sara is not paid a lot for her work but she gives of her time and her resources to create a small Christmas moment for women who would otherwise have none.

And Sara is deeply loved by these women.  They are drawn to her quiet and caring ways.  She frequently must soothe their anxieties and act much like a mother to them even though, by age, they could be Sara’s mom or grandmother.  Recently, one resident woman was to celebrate her birthday by going out to dinner with her sister.  All day long, she asked Sara and other staff members when her sister would arrive and how much longer would she have to wait for her birthday celebration to begin.

Sadly, as often happens with most of these women, the sister never showed up and Sara had to console and comfort a confused and very upset resident.   Sara had to be the one source of love to someone abandoned and mostly alone in the world.  Life for such women and others like her is so very cruel and yet people like Sara soften a harsh world.  For these mentally challenged women at Christmas, and for that one lonely woman on her birthday, Sara was and is family – she was and is mother, sister, brother, father.

This view of family is dramatically different from the traditional values and so called moral majority folks who tell us that a family is only defined by a mother and father living together and raising their biological children.  Indeed, according to the 2010 United States census, such a so-called ideal American family comprises only 28% of all family units in the nation.  Single parent families headed by women grew between 2000 and 2010 by 18%.  Unmarried partner families grew by 41% in the same time period.  Same sex partner families grew by over 50% and almost 30% of all household families in the US are now comprised of just one person.  What is clear is that the definition of family is no longer what some describe as the traditional family of mother, father and children all living together.  Family is where we are loved.  Family is the place where we can show our love.  Family members are the people who rely on us – and whom we rely on – to be there when troubled times happen.

As most of you know, I had surgery on my knee a few weeks ago.  It was a simple procedure but, as my first significant health challenge and surgery, I was very anxious and nervous.  Sara came and waited during my surgery and was there when I woke up.  But it was Keith Murrell who took the day off work, waited with me until the late afternoon procedure, tried to calm and reassure me, filled my prescriptions, drove me home and spent the night to make sure I’d be OK.  On one minor, frightening and potentially lonely day for me, Keith was my brother, father, mother, sister.

And, as much as some believe the changing dynamics of family spells the decline of basic morality and success of American culture, the opposite is actually true.  Children and adults succeed and thrive in all forms of family where nurture, attention and love exist.  It does not matter from whom it is given, love is love.  Indeed, many sociologists assert that views of traditional family and marriage in western cultures originated not by natural evolution but because of value systems taught by Jewish and Christian religions.  Thousands of years of actual experience indicate, however, that families from the beginning of time were far more fluid in terms of composition.  Indeed, Jesus was from one of the most non-traditional and unorthodox of families – conceived out of wedlock with an uncertain father.  Sociologists Maxine Zinn and Stanley Eitzen assert that “there is no golden age of the family gleaming at us in the far back historical past.  Desertion by spouses, illegitimate children, and other conditions that are considered characteristics of modern times existed in the past as well.”

Three other respected sociologists also suggest that promoting so-called traditional families are actually harmful to the economic best interests of children and society.  Their theory holds that as women increasingly delay or reject traditional family in order to advance their education and careers, contemporary family units that many women eventually build are more stable and financially secure.  In other words, the success of women in the marketplace, when they delay marriage and having children, is directly tied to the well-being of families – no matter their composition.  Encouraging women to marry and have children, at the expense of education and a career, is counterproductive.  In today’s world, adoptive, single mom or same sex couples are often MORE capable of sustaining a viable family unit than many traditional families of mom, dad and kids.  We see then that so called traditional families can no longer claim to be better for society or children.  What matters is that children have a family unit of some kind.

Our values therefore tell us that birth and blood ties should not supplant universal values that encompass a concern for the well-being of others.  Indeed, humanity long ago mostly rejected rights and privileges based solely on ancestry.  Nobility, royalty, nepotism and patriarchal systems of power, inheritance and property ownership, determined by ancestry alone, are ancient relics destined for the dustbin of history.  Instead, as I often point out, humanity is evolving with moral imagination toward greater cooperation between people.  As we have seen, this is taking place with regard to the understanding of family but it is, ironically, a value taught two thousand years ago by the man whose birth we celebrate this season.

American culture does not thrive because of so-called traditional marriage, families and their alleged superior values.  George Bailey’s town of Bedford Falls is not a caring community because George and his friends are married with children.  America succeeds because of an expansive and inclusive understanding of family.  It succeeds because a true family is just as Jesus described.   A family member for him and for us is the one who hungers, who is sick, who mourns, who cries in loneliness, is an outcast, suffers in pain or works alongside us to help eliminate such misery.  Family members are the people in our lives related not by blood but by heart.

In the upcoming holiday celebrations, may we remember who is our true mother, father, sibling and child.  We need not forget or abandon those we love by kinship.  But such people are only parts of our real and much, much larger family.  This Hanukkah, this Christmas, in the spirit of the season, may we love, cherish and serve, AND SERVE! members of our one human family.  Include someone who is not a blood relative, partner or spouse in your holidays and help fulfill the goal of making it a wonderful life for all…

I wish you each a happy Hanukkah and much peace and joy.

Guest Speaker Reverend Karen Behm 

Download Rev. Behm’s message by clicking below:

Message 113, “Thankfulness in Action: Giving Back or Paying Forward??”, 11-18-12

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Click here to listen to the message.  You can read along below.

Most of us know the real story of the first Thanksgiving.  After surviving a starvation winter when over half of Plymouth colony died and, after reaping the benefits of a summer harvest due mostly to Native-American help and instruction in new world farming techniques, Miles Standish called for a three day feast of Thanksgiving.  He invited a few Native-Americans and their families to join the Pilgrims.  Not knowing how large Wampanoag families were, over 90 Native-Americans showed up for the meal.

But the pilgrims had a pitiful amount of food available for such a large crowd.  The Wampanoag Indians returned to their villages and came back with what was the majority of food for that first Thanksgiving.  What is notable about the Native American gift of time, resources and food to the European invaders is that the Wampanoag – like all Indians – did not consider what they offered to be a gift.  Indeed, they had no need to give or share with 50 pitiful intruders whom they could easily have defeated in any battle or simply have allowed to starve to death.  Their charity, as we might perceive it, was not charity at all in their view.  It was extending portions of their lives, wisdom and harvest to other humans – NOT as gifts or as charity but as simply sharing what was not theirs to begin with.

This idea of sharing is common to all Native-American cultures.  All of life – the earth, the sun, water, plants, animals and humans – are a part of what they call the “Sacred Hoop”.  The universe and all life within it is interconnected in a great cycle of giving and receiving, birth and death.  Native-American culture did not think in terms of amassing wealth and resources.  Everything they reaped was, to them, a loan from the Great Spirit – theirs to use, share and then pass along to others in the Sacred Hoop of life.  The well-being of the community as a whole was far more important than any individual success or wealth.  In this regard, sharing their food with the Pilgrims was simply a part of coexisting within the web of life and was done for the benefit of humanity as a whole.

As we conclude our Thankfulness in Action November series, I’ve purposefully titled today’s message of “Giving Back” with question marks.   While an attitude of thankfulness encourages us to give away portions of our blessings in gratitude for what we have received, a holistic spirituality of wealth rejects the motivating premise of giving back.  Indeed, western thinking falsely leads us to believe that giving is essentially a transactional response.  We give back in return for what we have been given – even if it is because of our gratitude.  Ultimately, this is a false way to think about sharing and giving.

If we reorient our thinking, we find that a spiritual understanding of wealth sees sharing as a natural act – something done to strengthen our communities and thus our own lives.  More important than giving back because we are grateful or because we have compassionate hearts, we share because we are part of a greater whole.  We are a part of one human family that is spiritually and practically called to support and insure the success of the whole.  The health and well-being of all people are vital to our own individual well-being.  We are not islands unto ourselves – achieving and succeeding by ourselves.  We each thrive because others have mutually shared, worked and created the conditions so that ALL can thrive.  And we too are called to give, share and work with the same motivation.  This is a mind-shift for many of us – to think not in terms of giving as charity or as pay-back for our blessings, but as a means to preserve and strengthen the communities to which we belong.

That is the ethic not only of Native-Americans but also of many Africans as we discussed a few weeks ago.  The African philosophy of ubuntu elevates the community over the individual.  People are not unique and beautiful all alone but because they are a part of something greater than themselves.  In this sense, the well being of the groups to which we belong should be our primary focus.  If the community succeeds, then ironically the individual does too.  Ubuntu and Native-American thinking do not diminish the importance of individuals but rather sees people in their proper context – members of the human family which is great and wonderful precisely because of its many diverse members.

In writing to the terribly divided churches in ancient Corinth, Paul wrote in one of his letters to them, which is in the New Testament, that an ideal Christian community should see itself as similar to a human body.  A body is made up of many parts that may seem to operate on their own but which, in reality, are vitally connected to the other parts and thus operate as a systemic whole.  He wrote, “But God has put the body together…so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”

Paul’s analogy was a warning to the Corinthian people to stop treating various members – those who were poor or who lacked certain spiritual abilities like speaking in tongues – as less than others.  All are equal before god and all are essential for the well-being of the community.

The implication of Paul’s words for us today is to see one another not as separate individuals but as vitally connected to each other.  And that has a profound impact on how we approach our sharing.  It is not giving.  It is extending what belongs not to me or to you but to all people and all life.

Jews understand giving in much the same way.  Giving is not a voluntary act.  It is compulsory if one is to even think of oneself as a genuine person of faith.  Giving is not a form of compassion but an act of justice.  All money and all resources come from God.  Giving is simply a way of extending to others not what is ours but what is God’s.  God’s intention was that all justly share in life’s gifts.

This religious view of giving was secularly expressed by economists Kenneth Boulding and Michael Moody who, in 1981, coined the term “serial reciprocity” to describe their vision of an economy and social structure which gives and shares material resources as a way of paying forward.  Individuals extend resources to third party strangers in a future focused effort to advance humanity in general.  In their view, resources have come to us from people in our past, we use and borrow the resources for a time, and then instead of hoarding wealth, we pay it forward so that others can also use and borrow for a time.  What we share and do for others is passing along what was passed to us.

Serial reciprocity is fundamentally part of what I have spoken about before in terms of universal moral imagination.  It sees cooperation and unity as a persistent trend in human evolution.  It contrasts against competition, survival of the fittest and rampant individualism.  Humans increasingly realize that competition is a zero sum game.  Competition for limited resources creates a world where nobody wins.  Life is one hard slog to get ahead and beat out the next person.  Increasingly, however, humanity recognizes that cooperation helps insure that there are no losers in life.

Importantly, an economy based on serial reciprocity and paying forward is not socialist but has been called, instead, “moral capitalism.”  It is a form of economic thinking made famous by Henry Ford who, in 1914, paid his workers the unheard of salary of $5.00 a day.  Ford understood that if he and his company were to succeed, there had to be enough people who could afford to buy his cars.   If he paid his employees high enough wages, not only would they be better off, they would buy his cars and he would also reap greater benefits.

Fundamentally, Ford was not giving away high wages as a form of compassion.  He was a clear eyed capitalist who understood that the well being of himself, his customers and his shareholders was intrinsically tied to the success of his workers.  Higher wages for others was a way for Ford to practice serial reciprocity.

This ethos is today practiced by the Whole Foods company which famously pays its entry level employees significantly higher wages – $15.00 an hour – nearly double the minimum wage.  While this earns a full-time employee $30,000.00 a year in wages, Whole Foods combines its pay with medical insurance benefits and stock options.  A typical entry level worker at Whole Foods thus earns over $50,000.00 a year in wages, benefits and stock options.

The mindset of Whole Foods is that each of the stakeholders in its business must share equally in its resources if it is to succeed as a company.  Shareholders, employees and customers must be equal at the table.  If shareholders prosper at the expense of employees, the company will have less motivated workers and, in the long term, fewer customers to buy its goods.  Ultimately, over the long haul, shareholders will also lose.

What Henry Ford and now Whole Foods understood is that paying forward for the betterment of all is not a socialist concept of redistributing wealth.   It is both a wise economic strategy and a spiritual practice to help the human family.  All must do well in order for ALL to do well.  Wise capitalists pay forward as a way to assure the success of the capitalist system itself.  It is, ironically, a very conservative ideal.

As I said earlier, this economic understanding of sharing wealth turns on its head many of our beliefs and long held ideas about charity.   No longer do I give based on what I have been given or will be given.  No longer do I feel, with an implicit sense of superiority, that I bestow what is mine on others out of some sense of charity or kindness.  I share because I believe in the well-being of everyone, because I don’t really own anything and because I’m a part of a greater whole.  I help insure my own survival by making sure the community in which I am a member survives and thrives.

What I ask us to consider, myself included, is that we see the time and money we share here at the Gathering, with family and with others….in a new light.  What we share with others are not gifts.  What we share here and with other organizations and individuals are investments in humanity.  At the Gathering, we pay forward not to benefit me, one another or even the church – but all people.

When a Gathering member volunteers to help one of our outreach partners, all of humanity benefits.  When a member makes new friends and builds new relationships with other members, he or she feels better about life – and all of humanity is better off.  When a member is encouraged and strengthened by the support and love of others, all of humanity is better off.  When any of us are challenged by Sunday messages to be more open, true and whole, that extends outward to others in our lives.  All humanity is better off.  And, ultimately, we are each individually also better off.

Let us share with the church and with others as fully as we possibly can, not just because of gratitude or a sense of charity.  Let us pay forward to the Gathering and to others because that’s who we are as people.  We share for the sake of our world.  We share so that people who hurt and struggle might find a place of comfort and relief – like the Gathering.  We pay forward so that people who feel different or unaccepted can find a place to fully express who they are.  We share so that all people can love whom they wish without shame or guilt.  We share so that homeless kids might be helped – hopefully breaking a cycle of poverty in their lives and thus benefitting all society.  We share so that all of us and ultimately all in our community can spiritually grow  – finding ways to be more forgiving, humble, generous, content, joyful, aware, strong, gentle, devoted, courageous and hopeful people – to name just a few of the message topics we’ve considered over the past year.  In paying forward for each of these things, we are not helping something as small as the Gathering or any individual person.  We help improve the world.

And this faith community is a perfect place to engage in the work we are called to do.  Ultimately, we share here to express our deeply held beliefs that people matter and that it is up to each of us – rich and poor alike – to do our part to help build a vision of heaven where none are hungry, where all are celebrated equally, where each can live joyfully and in peace.  The Gathering not only stands for those ideals, it actively works to practice them.  Let us not give back but, instead, pay forward to a better and happier future for all humanity.

I wish all of us a joyous, blessed and generous Thanksgiving holiday.

Message 112, “Thankfulness in Action: Loving Yourself”, 11-11-12

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved

Click here to listen to the message.  To read along, see below.

 

How many of us have ever told ourselves: “I am bad”, “I’m not good enough”, “I’m not attractive, smart, skilled, rich”, “I should have done ….(you fill in the blank)”, “I’ve made too many mistakes in life”, OR “I have no future that is good”?  On a much deeper level, how many of us have ever believed we don’t deserve to be happy or loved?  In answering those lies we tell ourselves, what’s been our response?  How many of us have retreated inward – feeling unloved and thus never reaching out and never finding true love or friendship?  How many of us have become self-mutilators – people who act out all of the inner shame they feel through substance abuse or other unhealthy actions and addictions?  How many of us have become overly judgmental of others while telling ourselves that we have it all together?  How many of us have become arrogant and false as a way to cover up our own feelings of inadequacy?

Perhaps the greatest failure some of us have is NOT that we don’t always extend love and compassion to others, but that ultimately we don’t extend such feelings to ourselves. As I often note in my messages, the single best rule to guide our actions in life is the so-called Golden Rule.  Nearly every world religion believes in a version of it.  We are to love others as we love ourselves.  We are to treat others as we treat ourselves.  The implicit assumption in that concept, famously stated by Jesus, is that humans are selfish and love themselves too much.  While this might be true in how many people ACT, it is often NOT true in how many people FEEL.  They do not genuinely and authentically love themselves.  They are not deeply thankful for who they are, what they offer the world and the value they provide to those around them.

If we take someone’s negative feelings about themselves to their logical conclusion, we realize it is impossible for people who do not really love themselves to fully and authentically love others.  If we believe in the Golden Rule, then we will likely treat others as good or as bad as we treat ourselves.  How can we love someone else, how can we honestly show compassion, how can we be authentic, whole and complete people if we do not have a core respect for who we are as individuals?  If we do not deeply know love for the self, we will not know it and be able to honestly show it to someone else.  The single greatest goal in life, therefore, ought to be a complete and honest feeling of self-respect.

To continue our November series on “Thankfulness in Action”, I hope each of us will ponder in the weeks ahead what it means to be truly thankful for oneself.  In a faith community that believes in selflessness, and as a part of a congregation that believes our greater purpose in life is to serve others, it is almost a contradiction to talk about loving oneself.  It’s easy for us to assume the role of givers and of martyrs – those who are constantly helping and giving to others.  Being thankful for all that we have in life is, indeed, shown by our willingness to give back.

But, fundamental to having an attitude of gratitude, is to be appropriately thankful for who we are – the amalgamation of abilities and flaws in us.  Indeed, can we really be thankful people if we are not thankful for ourselves – for the unique, amazing and wonderful gift that we are to our families, friends and the world at large?  Our prayers at our upcoming Thanksgiving meals must include a thought or prayer of gratitude for the innate beauty, goodness and accomplishment of ourselves as individuals.

Oscar Wilde once said that, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.”  And Walt Whitman famously wrote in his Leaves of Grass anthology of poems that, “I celebrate myself.  I sing myself.”  It’s interesting to note that these two gay men of the nineteenth century, a time when same-sex love was unmentionable and considered a grave sin worthy of imprisonment, these two men believed it imperative that they accept and love themselves.  Such self-respect on their part likely enabled their ability to confront the forces of intolerance set against them.  Self-love empowered them to live true to their inner selves, to find pride in who they were and to celebrate such feelings in their poetry and writing.

But their journey to such personal revelations was likely not easy or simple.  Carl Jung, the famous psychoanalyst, noted that, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”  If we rigorously and honestly examine who we are as a person, we embark on a journey into unknown and frightening areas of the self.  We reveal past hurts inflicted upon us by parents or other loved ones.  We remember our past mistakes.  We discover our innermost fears and doubts about life and ourselves.  We see our inherent flaws and even hypocrisies.  That is truly scary stuff to confront.

But a part of that journey will also be a discovery of our uniqueness, our intrinsic beauty of soul and spirit, our love for others, our skills, our accomplishments, and our reason and purpose in life.  If we believe in some higher creative power, whatever form that might be – god, goddess, evolution, the universe, the power of love – then we should understand that we exist and were created for a reason.  We are not random beings who simply live to suck up air, water and food.  We each serve a purpose.  We were each created from millennia of past ancestors to be the one distinctive person that we are – an artist, a writer, a teacher, a lover, a caregiver, a mother, father, son, daughter, friend, encourager, giver, activist – whatever it is that is uniquely us and our passion.  Our distinctive purpose in life is our manifest gift to the world.  It is our legacy to leave behind.  We are each wondrously good and it is our right and, indeed, our duty to find and live true to our purpose.

Such positive abilities and qualities about ourselves define who we are.  Personally, I am a thinker, an introspective person, one who feels the pain of others, one who has abilities to write and express myself in meaningful ways, one who listens and deeply wants to connect with and affirm other people.  That’s me.  Those are some of my unique gifts to the world and to eternity.  And, I must confess, those are extremely difficult words for me to say to you and to myself.  Many of my flaws and my shortcomings derive from my inability to feel such good things about myself.  I heard at an early age all of the ways that I did not measure up – as a male, as a person, as someone of value.  I internalized those messages and they became a negative voice that took control of my thinking.  Since I could not find love inside myself, I looked for it from other people.  Since then, I’ve discovered that is an impossible goal without self-respect.  I cannot feel the love of another unless I feel it for myself.  And, I cannot fully love another unless I intuitively know what self-love is and what it feels like.  I can feel variations of love and I can sense the care and concern of others but, how can I expect someone else to truly care for me if I cannot do so myself?

What we find in too many of our relationships is that we expect the other to fill the void or lack of self-respect we feel.  Instead, our purpose in any relationship is to express to the other the love we ALREADY feel and have inside our hearts and souls.  That is the unconditional love we have for ourselves – a form of respect, joy, happiness and celebration for who we are no matter what.  If we have it, we will have it to give away.

This is the self-love that knows our flaws and knows our inadequacies but transcends them.  No longer do we hear the voices of shame and blame – “I’m no good, I’m a failure, I don’t measure up, I’m inadequate, I should be like someone who is better than me, etc, etc.”  Instead, we hear a voice of praise – “I am strong, I am good, I am worthy of love, I am capable, I have gifts and abilities to offer the world, I am defined by all that is decent within me, nobody has the right or the knowledge to define who I am.”

This attitude of gratitude for the self, this way of being thankful for the self is ironically not arrogant or selfish.  Indeed, arrogance, attitudes of superiority and judgmental thoughts toward others are false masks for our own sense of inadequacy.  We project power, perfection, superficial beauty and assumed intelligence in order to hide our lack of self-respect.  We feel we must say the right things, have the best possessions, dress the right way, have the most friends, live in the most beautiful homes, etc, etc – all as ways to cover up for how we believe we fall short.  If we have genuine love for the self, the kind that is unconditional, we know who we are, we accept that as good and we have no need to try and be anything but who we deeply are.  We already feel our innate goodness and know our abilities.  We have no need to wear a mask of false love, arrogant attitudes or judgmental thoughts.  As Jesus said, we know the truth of ourselves and that has set us free.  Vanity and arrogance are loud cries for others to love us.  Humility and inner peace are gentle voices of genuine self-respect.

In order to encourage thankfulness for ourselves, we must work to banish the negative forces that are working against us.  Christians call Satan the father of all lies and indeed that is true.  Whether or not we believe in a literal devil, the fact remains that there is good and evil at work within us – that which works to pull us down and that which elevates and inspires us.  The father of lies tells our inner souls that there is no hope, that we should give in to our fears, that we are not loved, that we are weak, no good and our past mistakes define who and what we are.  For many of us, this father of lies began talking to us when we were young and impressionable, not having fully formed our sense of self.  We then travel through life trying to shut out that voice – dulling it with unhealthy habits, attitudes, fears, food, drugs or alcohol.  We might also become doormats, believing ourselves unworthy of love.  We might, on the other hand, judge others or we might live with deep shame and an inability to forgive ourselves and others.   As the Buddha once noted, we fall out of balance in our thinking about the self – we either love ourselves too much or we love ourselves too little.  We have failed to see the good and the weak in us and then live in contentment and appreciation of both.  As Gandhi once said, we must acknowledge that both our successes and our failures are blessings to us.  Each comprises who we are.

Ultimately, however, we know that it is the good that must define our lives – how we give, how we love and how we serve.  Do we listen to the father of lies or do we fly with our better angels?  Firmly and consistently, we must tell the father of lies to literally shut up.  When we hear his voice, when his seductive words of defeat, shame and guilt echo in our minds, we must tell him to literally “f-off!”

My friends, self-hate is a downward spiral in so many ways.  While many of you have mostly learned and internalized an authentic form of self-acceptance and respect, others of you – including me – have not.   I’m growing and learning in this respect and I feel I’m getting better.  Spirituality and an exploration of all that is good in us and in our universe is a huge help to me.

This space, for me and for many of you, is a place of healing – a hospital for our souls – where we mutually support and celebrate one another.  It’s also one place where we can live out our greater reason for existence – to serve and love others.  That is the reason why we support, attend, serve and cherish this idea we call the Gathering and why our financial gifts to the church are so essential and so important.

What I have come to realize is that by not finding an authentic form of inner peace, by not feeling a deep respect for who and what I am, by listening to the father of lies, I am saying “no” to life.  I am saying to myself, “Die!”  I have no worth.  I am a hindrance to the betterment of this world – something which none of us want to have as our legacy.  What we need to find in our hearts and our in spirits is the call to “Live.  Live.  Live!”  When we see all that we have in us, when we perceive all of the contributions we offer the world, when we see our strength, our decency, our many abilities………we see our greatness.  Absent any one of us, the world is a diminished place.  But when we find a way, this Thanksgiving and all of the Thanksgivings of our futures, to give thanks for ourselves and our lives, we can then go out, spread our wings and fulfill our purpose to help build heaven on earth for all humanity.

I wish you all the inner peace and joy that comes from loving yourself.