{"id":960,"date":"2011-02-13T15:00:22","date_gmt":"2011-02-13T22:00:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thegatheringcincinnati.org\/?p=960"},"modified":"2011-02-13T15:00:22","modified_gmt":"2011-02-13T22:00:22","slug":"february-13-2011-tough-love-setting-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/2011\/02\/13\/february-13-2011-tough-love-setting-boundaries\/","title":{"rendered":"February 13, 2011, "Tough Love: Setting Boundaries""},"content":{"rendered":"

Message 48, \u201cTough Love: Setting Boundaries\u201d, 2-13-11\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a9 Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n

Service-Program, 02-13-11<\/a><\/p>\n

I vividly recall a minor but nevertheless heartwarming story about my youngest daughter Amy when she was probably one or two years of age.\u00a0 Amy has always been full of life and energy with an easy laugh and playful demeanor.\u00a0 She also freely admits to being a bit of a drama queen.\u00a0 She feels things deeply and is not afraid to show the heights or depths of happiness and sorrow.<\/p>\n

At a very early age Amy discovered how fun it was to play with the dog we owned.\u00a0 Brady, our dog, was by that time settling into her retirement years \u2013 content to sleep a lot in between brief forays outdoors.\u00a0 She had always been a gentle dog who would nevertheless sometimes bark or growl when she sensed something amiss.<\/p>\n

One day, Amy began to playfully pull at Brady\u2019s ears and fur and crawl on top of her.\u00a0 This was just one big, animated stuffed animal to Amy.\u00a0 And Brady was long suffering for quite a while \u2013 enduring repeated ear pulls and pokes in the eye.\u00a0 Despite several admonitions by me to be gentle, Amy persisted.\u00a0 Eventually, Brady growled at Amy and this, of course, alarmed me.\u00a0 Amy just giggled.\u00a0 I feared Brady might snap at or even bite Amy if she was too persistent.\u00a0 I raised my voice, \u201cNo, Amy.\u00a0 Be nice.\u00a0 Pet Brady.\u201d\u00a0 And then I showed her how.\u00a0 Amy laughed and tried petting but soon began pulling hair once again.\u00a0 Brady let out a low growl.<\/p>\n

Finally, after several unsuccessful attempts to change Amy\u2019s behavior, I quickly scooped her up, pulled her away, and swiftly but lightly spanked her hands.\u00a0 \u201cNo Amy!!\u00a0 That hurts Brady!\u201d\u00a0 And I sat her down many feet away.\u00a0 And this is what I clearly remember.\u00a0 It was one of the first times I had been really stern in discipline with Amy.\u00a0 She looked up at me with tears welling in her eyes, her lower lip quivered, her face darkened a deep red and then she began to sob and cry pitifully and loudly.\u00a0 It broke my heart.<\/p>\n

We can all relate, in some manner, to this story \u2013 when we have had to firmly establish a safety boundary with a child too young to understand the consequences of his or her actions.\u00a0 With children, we cannot expect them to experience natural consequences but we have to teach them certain boundaries around their behavior \u2013 for their safety and for that of others.\u00a0 Kids cannot play with matches for instance or play in a busy street.\u00a0 If they do, we cannot simply say they should suffer the consequences as a way to learn.\u00a0 But we do practice a form of tough love.\u00a0 We could<\/span><\/em><\/strong> allow them to be free spirits \u2013 in a perverse way of saying we love them – or we can set protective boundaries because they are too young to understand how they can be hurt by their actions.<\/p>\n

In our interactions with teenagers and adults, however, setting boundaries is much more complicated.\u00a0 In human relationships, we often think we love if we accept and tolerate certain behaviors that hurt us or hurt others.\u00a0 We can allow a friend to be habitually<\/span><\/strong> late, for instance, or we can firmly but gently indicate that we have time boundaries.\u00a0 We\u2019ll wait on them for ten minutes or so but that is all.<\/p>\n

Establishing boundaries is about clearly stating what it is that we want and desire in life.\u00a0 As I said, too often some of us confuse love for another person with mushy, inconsistent or non-existent boundaries.\u00a0 We think that by not clearly stating our own interests, we are being kind and gentle.\u00a0 After all, we are often told that being selfless is the highest form of love.\u00a0 I believe, instead, that without boundaries such love is sometimes false and cruel.\u00a0 It enables bad behavior, it prevents growth and it limits the full potential of the other person.\u00a0 Failing to clearly identify what we like also leaves others guessing and unsure about what we want and who we really are.\u00a0 And that prevents true intimacy and connection.<\/p>\n

On this eve of Valentine\u2019s Day, I hope to examine with you what I have called tough love but which, in many respects, might be called genuine love.\u00a0 We can all understand that I showed love for Amy by preventing her from being bitten even though I finally had to use discipline.\u00a0\u00a0 How can we as adults use personal boundaries to express real love for another \u2013 to teach, create growth, express identity and ultimately encourage authentic intimacy?<\/p>\n

Two Christian therapists, John Cloud and Henry Townsend, in their book When to Say Yes, When to Say No, How to Take Control of Your Life<\/span><\/strong>, have used a Bible verse to explain why boundaries are important.\u00a0 They call it the Law of Responsibility. \u00a0The apostle Paul said in his letter to ancient Galatian churches, those located in modern day Turkey, and I add some of my own language here – \u201cDo not be deceived.\u00a0 The Divine One cannot be mocked.\u00a0 A man or a woman reaps<\/span><\/em> what he or she sows<\/span><\/em>.\u201d <\/strong> While in some respects such a statement seems harsh, it bears closer examination.<\/p>\n

The consequences we experience in life are usually the natural by-product of our own actions \u2013 the choices we alone<\/span><\/strong> make.\u00a0 We reap the consequences of what we sow or create. We are each responsible for how we think, act, feel and speak.\u00a0 When we establish personal boundaries, we are simply saying to others that we are going to allow them to experience the results of their choices.\u00a0 If one chooses to repeatedly be late, a consequence might be a meeting will be canceled or someone waiting will simply leave.\u00a0 Experts and counselors emphasize this is not a form of punishment, retribution or manipulation if you have clearly identified and spoken your boundary beforehand.\u00a0 If I choose to act otherwise, to think that I will show love by endlessly tolerating someone\u2019s lateness, I am really preventing that person from reaping the consequences of being tardy.\u00a0 I am enabling his or her behavior such that it will continue and he or she will not hopefully learn to correct it.<\/p>\n

If we reap what we sow, we learn that what we choose to do produces either good or bad results.\u00a0 Since most of us are not masochists and don\u2019t like bad consequences, we will adjust our actions so that only good things happen to us.\u00a0 We learn.\u00a0 We grow.\u00a0 If I want to enjoy your company, I will learn I\u2019d better not always be late.\u00a0 And that is the ultimate purpose of boundaries: they are to teach.\u00a0 As T.S. Elliot wisely observed, \u201c<\/strong>If you haven’t the strength to impose your own terms upon life, you must accept the terms it offers you.\u201d <\/strong>In other words, if we do not set our own boundaries in life, we must be prepared to reap what we sow.<\/p>\n

<\/strong>To understand the full range of boundaries, we must keep in mind that using common sense and understanding the context of a situation should determine how we set our personal limits.\u00a0 For whom are we setting boundaries:\u00a0 for a child?\u00a0 A competent adult? \u00a0Someone in the midst of a crisis?\u00a0 For someone who can reasonably make choices?\u00a0 For a handicapped or oppressed person?\u00a0 Context and understanding is essential for determining our boundaries.<\/p>\n

Experts talk about several forms of boundary problems we might exhibit in our lives.<\/p>\n

First, many of us can be too rigid in setting boundaries with others.\u00a0 This is a \u201cmy way or the highway\u201d type of approach.\u00a0 One is stubborn and inflexible with their personal boundaries and allows no room for choice.\u00a0 A solution to this problem is to understand when to set firm OR<\/strong> flexible boundaries.\u00a0 On certain crucial matters in our lives, we must be firm.\u00a0 As an example, it is rarely appropriate for another to be sexually aggressive, overly suggestive or provocative with a non-partner. \u00a0\u00a0Our boundaries should likely be firm in such instances.\u00a0 Families of alcoholics must often set firm boundaries that they will not be around the other when he or she is drunk.\u00a0 Again, this is not punishment.\u00a0 It leaves the choice to the other.\u00a0 Drink and be alone or choose sobriety and enjoy the company and support of friends and family.<\/p>\n

On other minor matters, flexibility is important.\u00a0 For instance, Chinese food may not be your favorite but it is for your partner.\u00a0 If he or she suggests going to a Chinese restaurant that evening, you can refuse and assert a firm boundary.\u00a0 Or, you might be flexible and negotiate:\u00a0 Tonight Chinese, tomorrow night Italian. \u00a0In other situations, offering a choice is a way of being flexible but still setting a boundary.\u00a0 We\u2019ll eat either Chinese or Indian \u2013 your choice. \u00a0Such is an insignificant example of understanding and knowing when to stand firm and when to be flexible.\u00a0 A person who has healthy boundaries knows the difference and executes them accordingly.\u00a0 In support of flexibility, a Japanese proverb says, \u201cThe bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong>A second problem for many people is having invisible or non-existent boundaries.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 These individuals know what they want in life but refuse or fail to identify them to others.\u00a0 They allow others to act or express needs without being willing to express their own.\u00a0 They go along with or they accept another\u2019s opinions or actions but then resent the fact that their boundary was crossed. \u00a0They might think they acted with love when in fact they have done the opposite.\u00a0 They did not go along due to love but out of some inner fear to voice their opinions.\u00a0 And then many times they act resentful or hurt \u2013 often just angry at themselves for failing to express a boundary.<\/p>\n

A solution is to be assertive or engaged in setting a boundary.\u00a0 Those who are assertive with boundaries do so with gentleness and often with a sense of humor.\u00a0 They are not rigid boundary setters as I mentioned earlier.\u00a0 They state something that is important to them and then work to creatively and gently convince others.\u00a0 If an ethical standard at work has been crossed, one does not set an invisible boundary by ignoring it and then later criticizing the situation.\u00a0 The assertive person lays out a positive case for why the ethical line should not be crossed.\u00a0 Assertive boundary makers understand the context of a situation, the possible weaknesses of others, and then firmly but politely<\/span><\/strong> state their case.<\/p>\n

One can also avoid setting invisible boundaries by being actively engaged with another.\u00a0 This involves asking questions, seeking insight and showing genuine interest in the needs of a situation.\u00a0 In my previous scenario regarding what type of food two partners might eat, when Chinese is proposed, one might ask why the other wants to eat that food or what particular needs he or she is feeling at the moment.\u00a0 This example is simplistic.\u00a0 One usually engages in matters of greater significance.\u00a0 In dealing with someone who is alcoholic, for example, setting healthy boundaries might involve getting engaged in that person\u2019s life \u2013 helping to proactively prevent drinking by establishing \u00a0a curfew or driving boundaries.\u00a0 Steven Covey says about those who are assertive and engaged but gentle in their boundaries, \u201c<\/strong>I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst,<\/strong> <\/strong>a “transformer” in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith…\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Even more profound, an inscription at the Holocaust museum in Washington D.C. states, \u201cThou shalt not be a victim.\u00a0 Thou shalt not be a perpetrator.\u00a0 Above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.\u201d <\/strong>People with healthy boundaries are rarely victims.\u00a0 They do not consistently hurt others because they are flexible and gentle.\u00a0 Most of all, they engage the world in ways that create positive change.<\/p>\n

And this speaks to the usefulness of establishing healthy boundaries.\u00a0 Instead of reacting<\/em><\/strong> \u2013 often with anger or negative attitudes to the hurts and challenges we face, clear and consistent boundaries are proactive<\/em><\/strong> protections for us.\u00a0 While difficult to put in place, they work to prevent conflict in our relationships.\u00a0 Each person knows in advance the consequences that will result from certain actions.\u00a0 If you get drunk, I will not be around you.\u00a0 If you emotionally abuse me, I will leave.\u00a0 If you steal from me, you can no longer enter my home.\u00a0 Again, these should not be punishments but ways to open up natural consequences.\u00a0 Persons who establish boundaries do not sit idly by the wayside allowing them to be victimized by others or by life.\u00a0 It takes courage and tough love \u2013 genuine love \u2013 to tell others what we will accept and what we won\u2019t.<\/p>\n

An additional boundary problem area is when people simply choose to avoid setting boundaries altogether primarily because they fear conflict.\u00a0 This is why I frequently fail to protect myself.\u00a0 I often do not want to confront others and so I avoid potential conflict. \u00a0I will unwillingly say \u201cyes\u201d or \u201cno\u201d \u2013 depending on the situation \u2013 as a way to avoid their disappointment in me.\u00a0 This comes from insecurity and a deep need to feel liked.\u00a0 Fortunately, I know this is a problem of mine and so I am working to, as Jesus said, let my yes be yes and my no be no.\u00a0 I am trying to grow and to set healthy boundaries.\u00a0 Whatever I choose to do, it must be sincere and based not on avoiding conflict.<\/p>\n

It was difficult for me to tell a homeless woman last week, who entered our church during coffee time, we could not give her the money she needed for bus fare to another city.\u00a0 She was cold and desperate and she got angry.\u00a0 It was hard to set a boundary \u2013 to say \u201cno\u201d.\u00a0 Perhaps I was wrong.\u00a0 I often assist folks who come in asking for help when I am here during the week \u2013 but I don\u2019t think I can help everyone.\u00a0 On many occasions I dig into my pocket to give away money out of some desire to be liked instead of wanting to really help.\u00a0 \u00a0Sometimes, tough love involves having to say \u201cno\u201d in those situations or in other matters.\u00a0 I am learning it is OK if everyone doesn\u2019t always like me or my boundaries.<\/p>\n

A final boundary problem with many people is when one enmeshes himself or herself in the boundaries of others.\u00a0 A partner or friend\u2019s boundaries \u2013 or lack thereof – become one\u2019s own.\u00a0 This is not the same as having invisible boundaries that are unstated but cause resentment when they are crossed.\u00a0 Instead, enmeshment literally involves assuming the likes and dislikes of another person.\u00a0 If they don\u2019t like Chinese food, one does not like it either.\u00a0 This form of dependency and co-dependency is our subject for next week.\u00a0\u00a0 It is a form of false love.<\/p>\n

Dear friends, tough love is never easy.\u00a0 It was so hard for me, about twenty years ago, to abruptly scold my daughter when she came close to being bitten by our dog.\u00a0 It is even more difficult for us to set boundaries that seem to hurt or challenge people we love.\u00a0 Ultimately, setting boundaries is a form of individualism which I addressed in last week\u2019s message.\u00a0 We are claiming our individual rights and liberties through our boundaries.<\/p>\n

It is important to remember, though, that boundaries are only relevant when they are applied in context.\u00a0 Those who establish rigid protections without regard to the person or to the situation do so without compassion or understanding.\u00a0 Many times I believe we set far too tough of boundaries for those who are NOT<\/span> <\/strong>fully capable of making reasonable choices.\u00a0 These are people who are not reaping what they have sown but instead reap what others or outside forces have sown for them.\u00a0 Just as my daughter was too young to reap the consequences of taunting an innocent animal \u2013 even though I still had to set a boundary for her, so too are those who have been beaten down by the ravages of poverty, mental illness, a handicap or lower level of intelligence.\u00a0 Indeed, we all know that life is often not fair and many people reap consequences which they did not cause.\u00a0 While everyone should experience some form of boundary or expectation in their life, people born with two strikes against them before they even have a chance to grow up are unable to make the same choices in life that I have had.\u00a0 For such persons, more flexible boundaries should be applied.\u00a0 Those born into hardship can still rise above their misfortunes and we should never patronize them by not applying boundaries.\u00a0 But for them, I believe we must be flexible, engaged and compassionate.\u00a0 For most of us, however, the Law of Responsibility and reaping what we sow is a fair deal.<\/p>\n

For ourselves, for our partners, spouses, children, friends and fellow church members, we all need boundaries to grow.\u00a0 As easy as it is for me to stand up here and speak about boundaries, it is much more difficult to apply them in real life.\u00a0 This is a flesh and blood issue involving deep and sincere love for people in our lives.\u00a0 Indeed, it is called tough love not just because it is tough on the receiver but also for the boundary maker.\u00a0 It is hard to see ones we love experience painful consequences from the choices they have made.\u00a0 Ultimately, I believe almost everyone wants to receive<\/span><\/em><\/strong> love that is honest and challenging \u2013 even if it seems harsh.\u00a0 In our heart of hearts, none of us want love that is weak, false or patronizing.\u00a0 We all want to grow.\u00a0 We all want to learn.\u00a0 We don\u2019t want to remain stuck in the ruts of life.\u00a0 We each, deep inside ourselves, want to reach for the lofty heights of happiness and self-fulfillment.\u00a0 As difficult as it is, I can only encourage us to express the kind of love and boundary setting that helps others to do just that.\u00a0 May our love be gentle whenever possible but tough when necessary.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Message 48, \u201cTough Love: Setting Boundaries\u201d, 2-13-11 \u00a9 Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved Service-Program, 02-13-11 I vividly recall a minor but nevertheless heartwarming story about my youngest daughter Amy when she was probably one or two years of age.\u00a0 Amy has always been full of life and energy with an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-960","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=960"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/960\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=960"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=960"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}