{"id":860,"date":"2011-01-09T17:25:34","date_gmt":"2011-01-10T00:25:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thegatheringcincinnati.org\/?p=860"},"modified":"2011-01-09T17:25:34","modified_gmt":"2011-01-10T00:25:34","slug":"january-9-2011-positive-change-for-a-new-year-empathetic-listening","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/2011\/01\/09\/january-9-2011-positive-change-for-a-new-year-empathetic-listening\/","title":{"rendered":"January 9, 2011, "Positive Change for a New Year: Empathetic Listening""},"content":{"rendered":"

Message 44, \u201cPositive Change for a New Year: Empathetic Listening\u201d, 1-9-11\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a9 Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n

Service-Program, 01-09-11<\/a><\/p>\n\n

Two life partners, who have been together for many years, are in their bedroom getting ready to go out for the evening. \u00a0One stands in front of the mirror and exclaims, \u201cOh, look at me! \u00a0I have gotten so old and wrinkled. \u00a0And I have so much extra weight on me too. \u00a0Please, dear, tell me something positive about myself!\u201d \u00a0There is a long pause of silence before, finally, the other partner responds.\u00a0 \u201cWell, dear, you have absolutely terrific eyesight!\u201d<\/p>\n

And thus, in a humorous way, this story highlights a problem our culture and so many of us deal with day in day out.\u00a0 What we have here, as the famous movie line goes, is a failure to communicate!\u00a0 Most blame our communication break downs on an inability to fully, accurately and succinctly express ourselves \u2013 either verbally or by written word.\u00a0 More often than not, however, we fail to genuinely understand each other \u2013 in an accurate and caring manner \u2013 because we do not listen.<\/span> <\/em><\/strong>A failure to listen does not just involve not hearing words spoken.\u00a0 It involves so much more than that.\u00a0 Indeed, many experts assert that only 30% of the way we speak to others is communicated verbally \u2013 through words.\u00a0 Instead, the other 70% of communication is conveyed through body language, voice inflection, facial expression, and the pace and volume of speech.\u00a0 A monotone – \u00a0\u201cI love you\u201d conveys far different meaning than an impassioned \u201cI love you!\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/strong> And that is just a simple example.\u00a0 How do we accurately hear and fully listen to each other when far deeper emotions are involved or more complex issues are discussed?<\/p>\n

Experts assert that we generally listen at one of four levels.\u00a0 We are either ignoring<\/strong> what we hear, we pretend<\/strong> to hear what is spoken, we are selectively listening <\/strong>or we are attentively listening<\/strong>.\u00a0 \u00a0The latter category of listening is the most difficult to practice and, unfortunately, it is rarely achieved.\u00a0 I choose to call attentive listening by another name.\u00a0 I call it empathetic listening<\/strong> which demands a focused and disciplined way of engaging in conversation or discussion.\u00a0 I believe a fundamental flaw in most work, romantic and friendly relationships is a failure to fully and accurately communicate.\u00a0 One component of effective communication is the ability to listen and then fully understand what has been said.\u00a0 In my mind, the spoken word is over-valued.\u00a0 A listening heart<\/strong> and spirit is so much better.<\/p>\n

In the daily affairs of life, we often talk to<\/span><\/em><\/strong> others instead of with<\/span><\/em><\/strong> others.\u00a0 In many conversations or discussions, we interrupt, we offer advice, we respond with simple platitudes, we change the subject to focus on ourselves or we simply don\u2019t pay attention.\u00a0 Confusion, tension, broken relationships and work inefficiency are all the result.<\/p>\n

We so often, therefore, fail to listen to others with empathy. We understand the meaning of words spoken but most importantly fail to discern the emotions and feelings behind the words.\u00a0 In the funny situation with which I began this message, how may better responses might have been given had the partner sought to understand and empathize with the emotions of someone who is likely fearful of the aging process and all that involves?<\/p>\n

Our message series for this month is focused on what a lot of people are doing at this time of year \u2013 resolving to change.\u00a0 A new year brings new resolutions to grow and be a better person.\u00a0 In that regard, I\u2019ve chosen three topics where altering behavior can, I believe, create significantly positive change.\u00a0 Today, we will look at how we can practice the fine art of empathetic listening.\u00a0 Next Sunday, we\u2019ll look at how changing the way we process our thoughts \u2013 altering our cognitive approach to the world \u2013 can produce renewed lives.\u00a0 Finally, in our third week, we will look at how affirming speech \u2013 and practicing it \u2013 will also improve relationships and our own sense of well-being.\u00a0 As always, I am merely a co-participant in this journey called life and these messages are intended to inspire both you and me\u2026I am far from being some perfected saint who lectures you with a sense of superiority.<\/p>\n

I therefore believe it is a spiritual endeavor to change our existing patterns of behavior for the better.\u00a0 In that regard, learning how to better listen and show true empathy is a way of connecting with others and with the world around us.\u00a0 It involves putting into practice the ideal that life is not just about me as an individual.\u00a0 We exist for a higher purpose \u2013 to serve others \u2013 and for our purpose today, one way to serve is to empathetically listen to others.<\/p>\n

The Biblical book of Proverbs says that we are to turn our ears to wise sayings and then apply our hearts to what is heard.\u00a0 Such is the essence of empathetic listening.\u00a0 Jesus himself encouraged his followers to hear not only with their ears but to see with their eyes and understand with their hearts.\u00a0 He asked for empathy.\u00a0 The Buddhist Shantideva says, \u201c<\/strong>Whatever joy there is in the world, comes from cherishing others.<\/strong> <\/strong>Whatever suffering there is in the world, comes from only cherishing yourself.\u201d<\/strong> <\/strong>If we are to exist with one another in a manner that brings happiness, we must cherish others so much so that we truly understand their thoughts, fears, dreams, and pains.<\/p>\n

Empathetic listening therefore involves opening the spirit to hear, comprehend, love and care about the thoughts and words of another. It does not mean extending sympathy or agreement.\u00a0 It means being still, not speaking, and then engaging the ears, mind and heart so that you fully understand another person.\u00a0 When we practice empathetic listening, we have heard and understood to the degree that we are not only able to communicate back what has been said but we have put ourselves symbolically into the shoes of the other in order to see and feel an issue or problem from their perspective.\u00a0 As I said, this is not<\/span><\/strong> sympathy.\u00a0 Sympathy is feeling FOR <\/em><\/strong>someone.\u00a0 Empathy is feeling AS <\/em><\/strong>someone.\u00a0 Furthermore, one does not need to agree with the other in terms of what is said or the feelings expressed.\u00a0 Empathetic listening engages the heart in a manner such that one simply understands the words AND<\/span><\/strong> the emotions.\u00a0 I see you.\u00a0 I hear you.\u00a0 I feel what you are feeling.\u00a0 As President Bill Clinton famously said, \u201cI feel your pain.\u201d<\/p>\n

By listening more \u2013 and doing so empathetically \u2013 I believe we will actually improve relationships in our lives and thus create positive change.\u00a0 Tension, confusion, inefficiency and misunderstandings might be reduced or eliminated if we empathetically listen.\u00a0 To engage in the practice builds trust, respects and acknowledges the other, gains the speaker\u2019s cooperation, creates openness, encourages greater sharing of information and leads to effective problem solving.\u00a0 At work, we will be more efficient.\u00a0 At home and with loved ones, we will be happier.\u00a0 Indeed, many times people need to engage in what is called \u201ccathartic communication.\u201d\u00a0 Emotions and feelings need to be expressed.\u00a0 For that to happen in healing ways, however, someone must be willing and able to listen and empathize.<\/p>\n

Experts agree that empathetic listening involves several crucial steps.\u00a0 First, the listener gives the other his or her full attention.\u00a0 He or she is completely present in the moment with mind, ears, heart and attitude fully engaged.\u00a0 One\u2019s body language is essential.\u00a0 The listener is open, relaxed and aware.\u00a0 Some suggest the listener\u2019s body be positioned with shoulders softened, legs and feet uncrossed, hands open and unclenched, arms are uncrossed, and the upper torso leans at a slight tilt \u2013 around 5 degrees \u2013 towards the speaker.\u00a0 The listener looks the speaker in the eye and never yawns, fidgets or looks around.<\/p>\n

Second, an empathetic listener does not talk while the other is speaking.\u00a0 One never interrupts.\u00a0 One might ask a few clarifying questions but not so many that the speaker might feel he or she is being grilled.\u00a0 An occasional head nod or \u201cuh huh\u201d is also good.\u00a0 The listener does not share his or her own personal experiences nor does he or she try and problem solve or offer advice.\u00a0 Empathetic listeners are not defensive if accusations are made about them \u2013 they are not baited into arguments.\u00a0 Extending simple platitudes are also ineffective \u2013 like, \u201cIt will all be OK\u201d or \u201cIt\u2019s not that bad.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Finally, it is best if the listener does not think of what his or her response will be while the other is talking. The essential criteria are to simply and attentively LISTEN.<\/p>\n

The third step in effective empathetic listening is to summarize, after the speaker has concluded, what has just been said.\u00a0 But this should not be a simple recitation of facts or words.\u00a0 A good summary of what has been heard will restate the facts while letting the speaker know that you understand meaning and emotion.\u00a0 The listener is able to articulate the feelings behind what the speaker has said.\u00a0 This is where hearing with the eyes and the heart are important.\u00a0 The listener must use intuition to read the body language of the speaker and to hear changes in the voice or volume to discern emotions.\u00a0 If that is not possible or if one is still confused about how the speaker feels, it is ok to simply ask how he or she feels about what they just said.\u00a0 As an example, a good friend might give a long and very detailed description of a parent\u2019s medical condition, surgery or other therapies.\u00a0 An empathetic listener will be able to briefly recount the highlights of what is going on and then be able to suggest what the speaker is feeling.\u00a0 \u201cYour father is very ill due to a heart attack.\u00a0 The illness of a parent can be frightening and very sad and I sense that is how you are feeling.\u201d<\/p>\n

The point of this crucial step is to simply be a mirror to the speaker.\u00a0 An empathetic listener reflects what has been said and what is being felt.\u00a0 Being able and willing to identify and articulate the emotions of the speaker is most important.\u00a0 That is what distinguishes an empathetic and attentive listener from one who is selective in listening.\u00a0 When Ed and I have an argument, it is common for me to listen to the words he says but then respond with commentary or perhaps a defense.\u00a0 Instead, our discussion and the solution to our problem will come if I am able to listen to and discern the emotion he is feeling \u2013 anger, sadness, frustration, or whatever.\u00a0 By repeating to him the facts of what he just said and then telling him I have heard and understand how he feels, even if I don\u2019t agree with him, I will have truly shown him respect and love.<\/p>\n

Finally, after the listener has summarized and it is clear that the speaker has been understood, it is ok for the listener to simply be quiet and say nothing.\u00a0 Silence at this point is often good.\u00a0 Experts say that many people appreciate opportunities to be heard and they are able to work out, by actively giving voice to their problem, an appropriate solution.\u00a0 Effective listeners have open ears, closed mouths and are, in general, silent.\u00a0 Indeed, it might be clich\u00e9 but it is an obvious truth that humans have evolved with a need for two ears and only one mouth.\u00a0\u00a0 We must listen more than we speak.<\/p>\n

All of us lead very fragile lives.\u00a0 We might think we are brave and courageous folk who can tackle any problem but the truth remains that life is full of challenges, setbacks and hurt.\u00a0 And we see so many around us who are similarly hurting and in need of human connection.\u00a0 International terrorism, for instance, is fundamentally based on fear, insecurity and poverty in many Muslim nations.\u00a0 How often have we sought to hear, understand and empathize with the emotional wounds many poor or exploited Muslims feel?<\/p>\n

In our own nation today, liberals and conservatives often scream at each other across an ideological divide that seems too wide for any bridge to span.\u00a0 How often do we really hear and understand the emotions of fear, insecurity or doubt in such exchanges?\u00a0 The insecurity and frustration of the gay and lesbian community so long demeaned, bullied and marginalized?\u00a0 The fears of farmers and small business owners taxed and regulated to the point where they are ready to give up?\u00a0 The dreams of Latinos and African-Americans as they yearn to share in the blessings of our nation?\u00a0 The nightmares of an unemployed and uninsured father as he worries about the health and well-being of his wife and children? \u00a0We shout and yell at each other across a political divide without listening and without any willingness to show empathy or understanding for what has motivated opposing political views.\u00a0 Indeed, I believe highly opinionated people are the least empathetic.\u00a0 They tell others what they think instead of seeing, hearing and feeling what others believe and feel.\u00a0 As I said earlier, empathy does not involve agreement but it does require a conscious willingness to see things from the perspective of the other.\u00a0 I believe such a choice opens us up to a morally imagined world of compassion and the possibility of cooperation instead of confrontation.<\/p>\n

Many studies show that the best learners are those with a natural sense of curiosity.\u00a0 And those with natural curiosity have one character trait in common \u2013 they practice effective listening skills.\u00a0 As we diminish our egos and our inflated sense of self, we are motivated to connect with others in an empathetic manner.\u00a0 We listen.\u00a0 We seek understanding.\u00a0 We feel the pain of others.<\/p>\n

In this New Year, I have already tried to put into practice better listening skills.\u00a0 I want to be an empathetic listener.\u00a0 As with all things, this will take practice and I will frequently fail in my efforts or I will completely forget to listen with empathy.\u00a0 But I am trying to consciously be aware of how I listen to others and I encourage all of you to gently hold me accountable.\u00a0 St. Augustine once said that we ought to tell the world as often as possible about the love of God.\u00a0 And, when necessary – he said, use words.\u00a0 I believe that it is in our quiet, knowing moments of listening and of silence that we communicate to others our love and care \u2013 we don\u2019t need words.\u00a0 I believe that by listening to how we might have hurt or frustrated a lover or friend, we will have truly honored him or her.\u00a0 I believe that what a world in pain needs most in this New Year is empathy \u2013 for you, for me, for genuine understanding and peace.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Message 44, \u201cPositive Change for a New Year: Empathetic Listening\u201d, 1-9-11 \u00a9 Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved Service-Program, 01-09-11 Two life partners, who have been together for many years, are in their bedroom getting ready to go out for the evening. \u00a0One stands in front of the mirror and exclaims, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-860","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/860","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=860"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/860\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=860"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=860"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=860"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}