fear<\/span><\/strong>, I ran into a list of strange but real phobias.\u00a0 Did you know that peladophobia is a fear of bald people?\u00a0 Or that gymnophobia is a fear of nudity?\u00a0 Cacophobia is a fear of ugliness.\u00a0 Phobophobia is a fear of acquiring a phobia and, as many of you may have with regard to me, homilophobia is a fear of sermons!<\/p>\nIn truth, it is often said that we all have a fear of something.\u00a0 For our purposes today, as we consider our August theme of summer reading, love and poetry, one universal fear that many of us have, to some degree at least, is a fear of love and its many consequences.\u00a0 As we discussed last Sunday when we looked at Emily Dickinson and her poetry on love and loss, our fears in regards to love are often due to the fact that we will each one day face its loss \u2013 either through death, relationship break up or the cessation of loving sentiments.\u00a0 How we grieve, cope with and ultimately heal from such loss was our topic.<\/p>\n
And just as we did last week, we\u2019ll attempt today to gain some spiritual insights on the subject from a well-known American poet \u2013 Robert Frost.\u00a0 Like Emily Dickinson, he was a New Englander and the height of his fame may have come when he recited one of his poems at John F. Kennedy\u2019s inauguration.\u00a0 Unlike Dickinson, Frost was well known as a poet during most of his lifetime, receiving five different Pulitzer Prizes for his work and, despite never having graduated from college, was given honorary degrees by over forty schools including Harvard, Princeton, Oxford and Cambridge.<\/p>\n
Frost is a poet who is often cited as one who bridged the gap between nineteenth century and modern poetry.\u00a0 He was a romantic in the classic sense, choosing themes of love and sentiment while regularly using nature as a backdrop.\u00a0\u00a0 And, like most poets, his personal life is said to have strongly influenced his poetry.\u00a0 He suffered loss and tragedy in his life \u2013 his parents both died when he was still in his youth, his mother, his sister, his wife and a daughter all suffered from mental illness and he, himself, described long periods of personal depression.\u00a0 The epitaph he chose to be put on his tombstone is a line from one of his poems \u201cI had a lover\u2019s quarrel with the world.\u201d <\/strong>(from the poem \u201cThe Lesson for Today\u201d in his book The Witness Tree<\/span>)<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/strong>For Frost, his poems often looked at life\u2019s uncertainties and how humans choose the paths they follow.\u00a0 Today, I want to examine how we manage those fears that often hold us back from experiencing life and love at their fullest.\u00a0 What forms of fear like jealousy, indifference, possessiveness, failure to commit and insecurity hinder us?\u00a0 How might we love freely and exuberantly \u2013 those who are significant others, those who are family members or even complete strangers?\u00a0 With that, let us read Robert Frost\u2019s poem \u201cLove and Question\u201d. <\/strong>You can find the words on the back of your programs.<\/p>\nA stranger came to the door at eve,
\nAnd he spoke the bridegroom fair.
\nHe bore a green-white stick in his hand,
\nAnd, for all burden, care.
\nHe asked with the eyes more than the lips
\nFor a shelter for the night,
\nAnd he turned and looked at the road afar
\nWithout a window light.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nThe bridegroom came forth into the porch
\nWith, ‘Let us look at the sky,
\nAnd question what of the night to be,
\nStranger, you and I.’
\nThe woodbine leaves littered the yard,
\nThe woodbine berries were blue,
\nAutumn, yes, winter was in the wind;
\n‘Stranger, I wish I knew.’<\/p>\n
Within, the bride in the dusk alone
\nBent over the open fire,
\nHer face rose-red with the glowing coal
\nAnd the thought of the heart’s desire.<\/p>\n
The bridegroom looked at the weary road,
\nYet saw but her within,
\nAnd wished her heart in a case of gold
\nAnd pinned with a silver pin.<\/p>\n
The bridegroom thought it little to give
\nA dole of bread, a purse,
\nA heartfelt prayer for the poor of God,
\nOr for the rich a curse;<\/p>\n
But whether or not a man was asked
\nTo mar the love of two
\nBy harboring woe in the bridal house,
\nThe bridegroom wished he knew.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nFrost leaves us hanging in terms of resolution to his poem.\u00a0 What happens that resolves the question a nervous groom faces on his wedding night?\u00a0 Does charity prevail and is a warm bed offered to the stranger or does the anticipation of wedded bliss win out?\u00a0 Frost often introduces the character of a stranger into his poems not as a sinister force but as a symbol<\/span><\/em><\/strong> of the uncertainty we all face.\u00a0 Indeed, on closer examination of the poem, we find that the apparent question of whether to help a stranger is not the central issue.\u00a0 It is likely one the groom faces – which we all face \u2013 fear of the unknown, fear of a long and often weary marriage road ahead with no light at its end to guide one\u2019s path, and fear of the love between he and his lover.\u00a0 Will it last? \u00a0Will he be capable of such devotion?\u00a0 Will his beloved remain faithful to him?\u00a0 Why can\u2019t he lock her love away within a golden heart?\u00a0 Indeed, one can surmise he faces the universal fear of all newly committed lovers \u2013 will he be able to perform and consummate his new relationship?<\/p>\nIt is likely not the stranger with the green stick \u2013 but it is he, the groom, who wields a green stick – if you understand the likely imagery.\u00a0 This stranger who has come upon the honeymoon cottage in the woods may not even be a flesh and blood stranger at all but instead a lurking form of doubt, fear and uncertainty that we each face as we embark on our own journeys of love.<\/p>\n
How does the groom deal with this stranger who might really be his own fears and doubts?\u00a0 Does he admit the stranger into the house in confidence and security that nothing can mar his marriage road ahead?\u00a0 Or, instead, does he give in to his own insecurities and admit the stranger who will possibly bring woe and heartache?\u00a0 As we interpret the poem, it may not matter how the groom resolves the question before him \u2013 whether to admit the stranger or send him on his way.\u00a0 What will matter the most is the motivation behind his answer to the question.<\/p>\n
A well-known line from the Bible states that, and I quote from the New International Version, \u201c<\/strong>There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear\u2026 The one who fears is not made perfect in love.\u201d <\/strong>And thus we can relate to the poem and question Robert Frost has posed.\u00a0 Love and fear cannot coexist.\u00a0 In a perfect world where the bride and groom\u2019s love is secure and certain, it would not matter how the poem\u2019s question is answered.\u00a0 Whether the stranger is allowed to enter or not, a secure and strong love will prevail.\u00a0 But a love based in fear and insecurity is certainly not perfect.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 As much as the groom might wish to lock away this bride\u2019s love for all time, such is neither possible nor prudent.\u00a0 Enforced love and captured love is not love at all.\u00a0 If we are compelled to love someone or something, is it really love<\/em><\/strong>?<\/p>\nJust as we briefly discussed last Sunday when we examined love and loss, we undertake risk when we choose to love.\u00a0 It is neither certain to last, to be returned or to not<\/span><\/em><\/strong> suffer a tragic end.\u00a0 And so on this most exciting of all nights two people can face, the beginning of a loving relationship, the groom is called to face his fears.\u00a0 What will he do?\u00a0 Such is his question and such is ours \u2013 and not just at the beginning of our loving relationships but a question that should be asked over and over again.\u00a0 Fear or love.\u00a0 Which one do we choose?<\/p>\nAs most of you know, I do not believe in the literal divinity of Jesus.\u00a0 To call him Christ is to call him the messiah or the divine one chosen by god to save sinners from the depths of hell.\u00a0 Instead, I follow the historic Jesus \u2013 the man who likely did live, die and teach many profound truths about humanity and our world \u2013 like concern for the outcast, for the poor, for women, for the humble, and for those who truly seek greater understanding of the Divine.<\/p>\n
In that regard, there are many aspects of the Bible\u2019s Jesus story which are likely true.\u00a0 The man Jesus probably was executed by the Romans.\u00a0 His many followers were then left in a state of shock, disbelief and fear because of his death.\u00a0 And it is at this point of the story that facts likely shine through the myth of some parts of the Bible.\u00a0 Many of Jesus\u2019 male disciples, those who would become the first leaders of Christianity, denied even knowing Jesus after his arrest.\u00a0 They fled and went into hiding as they mourned the death of their teacher and pondered their own uncertain futures.\u00a0 A man whom they had said they loved and whom they proclaimed their undying devotion, was arrested, put on trial and condemned to execution.\u00a0\u00a0 Peter, the first leader of Christianity, refused to acknowledge Jesus under questioning by the Romans.\u00a0 He and many of the other followers reacted not with love for Jesus but with fear.\u00a0 Why would the Bible recount such a tale of cowardice by the early leaders if it were not based in fact?<\/p>\n
Juxtaposed against the fear of the disciples are the actions of Jesus\u2019 female followers who did not flee, but remained by his side throughout the trial and execution.\u00a0 Whether the account of fearful male followers and courageous female followers is true or not, the lesson of the story is instructive.\u00a0 Who reacted in fear and who reacted in love?\u00a0 Whose love might we call perfect and true?<\/p>\n
As I speak to you of imperfect love, I remember my own fears to love.\u00a0 As a father to two daughters whom I cherish more than my own life, I know I have failed in showing them perfect love.\u00a0 In some ways I have acted in the past like many dads who are insecure in showing real affection, who hesitate to hug, hesitate to express emotion and who rarely say \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0 When I spoke several weeks ago on Father\u2019s Day about the importance of play in our lives and how men often are too serious and do not play enough, especially with their children, I confessed to my own failure to play enough with my daughters when they were young.\u00a0 And I confess the same now in terms of how I expressed love to them when they were younger.\u00a0 Our culture too often tells men to be tough, to not show emotion or sensitivity and to show love only through being a good provider.\u00a0 Indeed, it is often a male fear of being too close or too feminine or too \u201ctouchy \u2013 feely\u201d that we neglect to show perfect love.\u00a0 But that can leave children emotionally empty and insecure in their own feelings of self-worth and identity.\u00a0 About ten years ago I knew I had to change.\u00a0 What was I doing to my girls and to myself?\u00a0 As I came to love and accept myself, I gained the added security to better love them \u2013 to hug, to touch, to stifle as much as possible my petty nagging and to regularly affirm them, at the end of each phone call and at the end of every visit, with a simple \u201cI love you.\u201d\u00a0 How many times have we feared to say those words to those close to us, and how many times have those close to us yearned to hear such words?\u00a0 What is it that we are afraid of?<\/p>\n
I believe this choice between love and fear is a choice we must consciously <\/span><\/strong>make.\u00a0 I don\u2019t claim that it is an easy choice to make nor are our fears so simple that they can be immediately overcome.\u00a0 So often our fears are based on what we have learned in our past.\u00a0 What wounds, insecurities and troubles do we carry with us that prevent our choice to love?<\/p>\nExperts tell us that in moving beyond our fears, we must first identify and name our fear.\u00a0 What was it that the groom, in Frost\u2019s poem, really feared?\u00a0 If I had to guess, it might be fears of his own inadequacy and insecurity at holding onto the love of his bride.\u00a0 Why did I once fear to simply tell and show my daughters that I loved them?\u00a0 I think it was fear of myself and fear of truly loving \u2013 fear that I would be too sensitive or not in control.\u00a0 Indeed, instead of a macho man strutting around, outwardly oblivious to the needs of others, real men are nurturing, caring and able to express love.<\/p>\n
Second, experts tell us that after we identify our fear, we must find its cause.\u00a0 If we do not love another perfectly and are instead jealous or angry or indifferent, what caused us to be that way?\u00a0 Was it a failed past love \u2013 someone who betrayed us?\u00a0 Was it our upbringing and lack of love received or was it some other event in our lives like our failure in a past relationship?<\/p>\n
Once we identify the cause, we can ask ourselves what we learned from that past experience.\u00a0 If it was a love that betrayed us, perhaps we can learn to look for persons in whom we place greater trust or who have different personalities.\u00a0 If we were once denied love by someone, we can learn to act in the opposite manner \u2013 to love fully and freely.\u00a0 If we failed in a past relationship, we can learn why we failed.\u00a0 Did we communicate poorly with the other, did we take the other for granted or were we not expressive in our sentiments?<\/p>\n
Finally, if we know what our fears are and what caused them, we are better able to face them.\u00a0 If we failed with past love because of our own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, we know how we must act differently.\u00a0 One reason for my failure to perfectly love my daughters when they were younger was because I could not perfectly love myself.\u00a0 As I learned to see the good in me, I could also confront my flaws.\u00a0 I could then consciously choose to face my real fears and act in a way that denied them.\u00a0 I would express my love more freely.\u00a0 I would hug and touch and say \u201cI love you\u201d.\u00a0 As I said earlier, many therapists say that our ability to overcome fear and instead to more perfectly love \u2013 without jealousy, anger, or insecurity \u2013 this involves a cognitive and conscious decision to confront the fear we have identified and then to change.<\/p>\n
Some of you may recall that I spoke about a close friend of mine in a message back in March.\u00a0 It was about finding joy and adventure in life no matter our age and I used this friend as an example.\u00a0 He is 89 years old and a frequent work-out partner of mine.\u00a0 I came to know him during my work in Pastoral Care at my previous church as his wife had just been diagnosed with Alzheimer\u2019s and he was in need of support and friendship.\u00a0 My friend often talked to me about his over sixty year marriage and the many years he spent as a globe travelling businessman who faithfully worked hard to support his family.\u00a0 His one regret was his years of relative indifference to the sacrifices of his wife and how aloof he had often been in expressing love to her.\u00a0 With her Alzheimer\u2019s diagnosis, however, he chose to become a new man.\u00a0 He became a devoted husband, holding her, cherishing her, attending to her every need and acting as her caregiver long after she should have moved to a nursing home.\u00a0 Once she did, he was still with her all of the time \u2013 doing most of the work of the nurses, feeding, clothing and bathing her.\u00a0 He has ruefully admitted to me that the seven years of her slow decline due to that horrible disease were his way of finally and fully expressing his love for her.\u00a0 He had been too afraid and too caught up in the American male ideal of stoic and strong provider to ever truly care for his wife.\u00a0 As he told his story to me, about how at the end as he held her in his arms and she silently passed away, he repeated to her over and over again how much he loved her.\u00a0 He said that so often during the years of her Alzheimer\u2019s, he would say \u201cI love you\u201d, knowing that she likely was not hearing or understanding him.\u00a0 And then he would ask himself why he had not shared his feelings more when she was healthy?\u00a0 It is a question we often must ask of ourselves.\u00a0 Whenever we choose to either say \u201cI love you\u201d or choose, instead, to not utter those words, will that be our last opportunity?\u00a0 A follow-up to the silly bumper sticker I mentioned last week, \u201cLove like you will never be hurt\u201d<\/strong>, might be \u201cLove like there is no tomorrow.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/strong>Fear, for each of us, is simply a desire to avoid pain.\u00a0 When we react in fear and flee from it, we are working to avoid pain.\u00a0 In our relationships, when we fear to love \u2013 when we fear to show it, we are avoiding potential pain.\u00a0 We act to avoid the pain of rejection, or being identified as inadequate or being betrayed.\u00a0 It is certainly not irrational to avoid pain, however, and an important understanding for us is that we must learn to identify irrational fear from that which is prudent and wise.<\/p>\nAs we must certainly admit, however, most of our fears to better love others are based on past hurts, irrational thinking and unresolved issues within us.\u00a0 And yet, as we also know, perfect love is the antidote to those feelings.\u00a0 When we show love and when we are not afraid to express it, in words and in deeds, we live within the divine heart.\u00a0 Love is god.\u00a0 Love is the spiritual force that creates joy, freedom, creativity, security and peace.\u00a0 If our efforts here each Sunday are to understand more about ourselves and our world, what better answer for humanity and for all creation is there than acting in love?\u00a0 This love must include kindness, charity, loving speech, generous actions, forgiveness, understanding of differences, celebrating diversity, holding others gently accountable and working to alleviate social injustice.\u00a0 We cannot say we are perfectly loving if we speak unkindly to another, if we ignore the pain of other people and other creatures or if we are simply indifferent.\u00a0 Nobody is perfect and we will all fail at one time or another at the game of love.\u00a0 We will all give in to our fears.\u00a0 But we must face them.\u00a0 We must seek to conquer them.\u00a0 For the sake of our well-being and for the sake of those we love – and this starts with me \u2013 we must acknowledge our fears and then work to banish them.<\/p>\n
As Robert Frost implicitly asks in his poem, \u201cLove and a Question\u201d, do we choose fear or do we choose love?\u00a0 I ask you, I ask myself, what is our answer?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Summer Reading: Love and Poetry Message 29, Robert Frost: Love and Fear, August 8, 2010 \u00a9 Doug Slagle, Pastor, The Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved Service-Program-8-08-10 In my research for today\u2019s message on love and fear, I ran into a list of strange but real phobias.\u00a0 Did you know that peladophobia is a fear of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-579","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/579","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=579"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/579\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=579"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=579"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=579"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/thegatheringcincinnati.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/08\/Chapin-robert-frost-HR.jpg\" "\\"Chapin")
<\/a><\/p>\n