{"id":1877,"date":"2013-01-13T20:58:47","date_gmt":"2013-01-14T03:58:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thegatheringcincinnati.org\/?p=1877"},"modified":"2013-01-13T20:58:47","modified_gmt":"2013-01-14T03:58:47","slug":"january-13-2013-uncommon-new-years-resolutions-lengthening-our-anger-fuses","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/2013\/01\/13\/january-13-2013-uncommon-new-years-resolutions-lengthening-our-anger-fuses\/","title":{"rendered":"January 13, 2013, "Uncommon New Year's Resolutions: Lengthening Our Anger Fuses""},"content":{"rendered":"

Message 118, \u201cUncommon New Year\u2019s Resolutions: Lengthening Our Anger Fuse\u201d, 1-13-13\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

(c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved<\/p>\n

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Download the message here. \u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

With my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, perhaps some of you have heard of the Anger Universal Church of America.\u00a0 It\u2019s a place that celebrates rage and fury.\u00a0 Each Sunday, it practices rites of bashing of the heads and the Holy Sacrifice of Community.\u00a0 It\u2019s mission is to serve its own agenda and NOT yours.\u00a0\u00a0 They hold a monthly blessing of the guns.\u00a0 A statue of Sarah Palin shooting a rifle is above the altar – with the church motto underneath: \u201cWe worship the rogue in everyone.\u201d\u00a0 Insults are traded instead of prayers.\u00a0 Church patron saints are Mel Gibson and Lorena Bobbitt and a frequent hymn they sing is Merle Haggards \u201cThe Fightn\u2019 Side of Me\u201d.<\/p>\n

If that sounds like a perfect church for you, then perhaps you\u2019re in the wrong place this morning!\u00a0 My topic today is the opposite of what might be celebrated at that fictitious church.\u00a0 Sadly, too many people attend churches that teach gentleness and self-control but, in their everyday lives, such folks act as if they attend the Anger Universal Church.\u00a0 We\u2019ll consider today the second of my three uncommon New Year\u2019s resolutions I\u2019ve chosen for our January message series: \u201clengthening our anger fuses.\u201d<\/p>\n

Mark Twain, whom many of you know I like to quote a lot, he once said that if one is angry, he or she should count to four.\u00a0 If one is very, very angry, one should just swear!\u00a0 Such a witty statement seems to comically support the popular notion that \u201cmad is bad.\u201d\u00a0 In many churches and among a lot of well meaning people, anger is seen as an emotion we must work to eliminate.\u00a0 That\u2019s an impossible task.\u00a0 Anger is a common human feeling and one that, from an evolutionary standpoint, has served us well.\u00a0 Angry feelings have allowed our species to survive because the emotion stirs us to defend ourselves.\u00a0 It is a physiological fact that the emotion of anger releases a flood of adrenaline into our bloodstreams initiating the well known \u201cfight or flight\u201d response.\u00a0 But like many other human emotions, our call is find a way to control angry feelings and to channel them so that they do not control us.\u00a0 To feel angry for a moment, is not bad.\u00a0 It is how we respond<\/span><\/em><\/strong> to that feeling that can be bad.\u00a0 Indeed, the title of this message is on lengthening<\/span><\/em><\/strong> our anger fuse such that we find ways to control angry feelings and appropriately<\/span><\/em><\/strong> express them before they ignite into something destructive – to ourselves and to others.<\/p>\n

Almost all of us struggle with how we respond to angry feelings.\u00a0 We can either explode in fury at a person or a situation, we can engage in more subtle and hidden forms of anger expression, or we can learn to control it and express it in ways that create positive solutions. While we all know explosive varieties of anger, the passive aggressive kind is harder to identify.\u00a0 Usually, a passive aggressive pulls away and hides their anger while still pouting, demanding their rights, using sarcastic humor and quietly sabotaging a solution.<\/p>\n

Ultimately, inappropriate expressions of anger are selfish acts.\u00a0 Our egos, our sense of self and our beliefs about how the world should <\/span><\/em><\/strong>operate have been violated and we seek vengeance!\u00a0 So, we explode or we passive aggressively retreat.\u00a0\u00a0 But, too often we fail to deal with what initiated our feelings in the first place.\u00a0 We don\u2019t calmly verbalize our feelings, we don\u2019t seek a resolution of the problem, we don\u2019t accept something we can\u2019t control, and we don\u2019t forgive and move on.\u00a0 Bitterness and resentment pollute our thoughts and actions.\u00a0 As the Buddha pointed out, \u201c<\/strong>Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; but you are the one who gets burned.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just as our bodies respond to feelings of anger by helpfully pumping adrenaline into our bloodstreams and prompting us to act, our bodies also respond in other ways, most of which are profoundly harmful to us the longer we stay bitter, frustrated and enraged.\u00a0 Adrenaline causes our hearts to beat faster, thereby raising our blood pressure.\u00a0 It tells our liver to shut down causing massive amounts of cholesterol to be dumped into our blood instead of being processed and eliminated as waste.\u00a0 Researchers at the Ohio State University showed that angry feelings also cause the release of an enzyme called homocysteine which narrows blood vessels.\u00a0 It\u2019s an evolutionary response to pool blood in our core and thus protect us in any physical fight.\u00a0 People who are chronically angry, resentful or bitter, however, suffer increased heart disease and risk of stroke as a result of this enzyme.\u00a0 Those who are passive aggressive and hold onto their anger for long periods of time, they experience even higher and more prolonged levels of the enzyme.\u00a0 From a psychological and physiological standpoint, uncontrolled angry feelings\u00a0 – whether of the exploding variety or of the passive aggressive kind – both do significant harm.\u00a0 Uncontrolled anger is an acid that burns all who are touched by it.<\/p>\n

As with most life issues we face, I believe there is a spiritual response to feeling anger.\u00a0 Intuitively, we know there are universal truths of goodness and decency to which we are called to practice.\u00a0 Indeed, spirituality is about searching for ways to live more peacefully, cooperatively and lovingly.\u00a0 As I often note when we discuss matters of self-growth, we cannot hope to heal a broken and hurting world unless we also heal our broken and hurting selves.\u00a0 A spiritual effort to alleviate hate and injustice in the world must begin with a spiritual journey to heal the self –\u00a0 one\u2019s mind, soul, heart and inner being.\u00a0 How can we hope to eliminate warfare, bigotry and hatred – all expressions of anger of one sort or another – if we cannot learn to better control anger within ourselves?\u00a0 As we often say, we must BE the change we want to see.<\/p>\n

For myself, I don\u2019t usually vent my anger with great outbursts of rage.\u00a0 As a conflict avoider, I hate violent, bitter or vicious expressions.\u00a0 Because I saw too much of that in my youth, my tendency is to retreat and suppress anger or conflict.\u00a0 That may be one reason why it took so long for me to come out as a gay man – I avoided confronting the truth in myself and the resulting conflict with all that I had been taught.<\/p>\n

But by suppressing angry feelings, I do not eliminate them or resolve them.\u00a0 They still linger and they burn a hole in me.\u00a0 I can express those inner feelings in passive aggressive ways by withholding kindness or being more distant.\u00a0 Over the years, I have forced myself to be more open about how I feel and what I think.\u00a0 When conflicts do arise or when I do feel angry emotions, I am learning to engage in calm discussion and to find solutions versus avoiding conflict and thus feeling bitter.\u00a0 I am not even close to being cured of this issue, but I am growing.<\/p>\n

The opposite of my approach of suppressing anger is to loudly and violently burst into rage and use physical or verbal violence.\u00a0 We see that too often today with shootings, war, hate filled speech, name calling, bullying and enraged tirades.\u00a0 Such visible manifestations of anger do great harm both physically and psychologically – to the victim and the perpetrator.\u00a0 An end to violence in our time requires a conscious effort to control and appropriately express any type of uncontrolled or inappropriate anger.<\/p>\n

The Greek philosopher Horace said that an outburst of anger is momentary madness.\u00a0 And, when we see or experience such anger, we know that Horace was right.\u00a0 Angry people can act in ways that are irrational and totally contrary to their values.\u00a0 Almost all experts and spiritual commentators, however, assert that we can learn to control our angry feelings.\u00a0\u00a0 The prophet Muhammad said that, “The strong is not the one who overcomes people by use of his strength, rather he is the one who controls himself while in anger.”<\/strong><\/p>\n

To that end, experts propose that the first and most important way to control our anger is to claim it, acknowledge it and identify it.\u00a0 Since feelings of anger are natural and a part of a survival instinct, to deny we are angry is to lie to ourselves and to others.\u00a0 When we feel angry, we should admit it and then identify what has really upset us.\u00a0 Too often we can feel anger at a person or event for no reason.\u00a0 Instead, we might really be upset about something else.\u00a0 We must learn to be honest with and about our feelings.<\/p>\n

The second step we should take, after admitting we feel angry, is to simply pause.\u00a0 In almost all instances of feeling anger – ones where we are not threatened with immediate physical harm – we should make a conscious decision to overcome the instant impulse to fight or run away.\u00a0 Instead, experts suggest several practices when we feel anger.\u00a0 One is to engage in deep breathing – inhaling to the count of four and exhaling in the same way and to do this for as long as it takes to feel calm again.\u00a0 Such deep breathing oxygenates our brains to help us think more clearly and it immediately helps to slow down our heart rates.\u00a0 That, in turn, slows the distribution of adrenaline throughout our bodies and physically helps us counteract the fight or flight impulses caused by that hormone.\u00a0 Other experts say we should close our eyes to help refocus our minds.\u00a0 Still others say we should move into sunlight either by going outdoors or moving to a window.\u00a0 Sunlight affects how we think and literally brightens dark outlooks.\u00a0 With prolonged feelings of anger, some experts encourage exercise as a way to release pleasure causing endorphin hormones.\u00a0 And, still others, suggest finding humor in a situation.\u00a0 We might see the silliness in getting angry at something we can\u2019t control – like shaking our fist at traffic – or the ridiculousness of an insult thrown our way.\u00a0 The ability to laugh at oneself or find humor in the middle of any conflict is a perfect cure.\u00a0 We so often take ourselves too seriously and feel insulted when we should simply laugh or let comments pass.<\/p>\n

Whatever we do, this crucial second step is to purposefully pause and stop any impulsive action or speech.\u00a0 Importantly, we should tell the person at whom we are angry that we are not ignoring them but taking time to reflect and cool down.\u00a0 That admission may help the other person do the same.<\/p>\n

In our digital age of instant and impersonal communication via e-mail, text messages and facebook, it is even more important to stop and pause when we feel angry.\u00a0 Far too many e-mails and text messages are sent out in anger, often making accusations and using speech that is not only hateful but incorrect.\u00a0 One should resolve never to send out an e-mail or other instant digital communication in any conflict, disagreement or anger situation without first saving it, waiting on it and then re-reading it a day or two later.<\/p>\n

Once we sense our anger is under control – that we don\u2019t feel impulses of rage – we can begin to deal with the feelings.\u00a0 Spiritual advisers encourage people, as a next step, to tap into their inner values of kindness, mercy and forgiveness.\u00a0 This must be a conscious decision.\u00a0 It won\u2019t be easy.\u00a0 If we focus on being graceful and kind to the other, angry feelings will dissipate.\u00a0\u00a0 Acting with grace means understanding why the person acted as they did, feeling compassion and love for the person and then simply extending mercy by offering forgiveness.\u00a0 As I said, this must be an intentional effort on our part – at least while we are trying to change.\u00a0 In time, turning anger into mercy will become increasingly natural.<\/p>\n

The fourth step in controlling our feelings of anger or bitterness is to think about, and then seek, solutions to the issue.\u00a0\u00a0 This involves calmly communicating to the other person, if possible, why we feel angry.\u00a0 One should avoid loud and accusatory words while, instead, making calm statements of fact – saying, for example, \u201cWhen you forgot my birthday, I felt<\/span><\/em><\/strong> ignored and angry.\u201d\u00a0 With such a simple admission, people can move toward a solution and find ways to prevent future conflict.\u00a0 Ultimately, as we all know, the spirituality we all seek is to live in peace.\u00a0 Do we pursue vengeance and thus an increase in anger or do we seek peace – a way to move beyond our hurt?\u00a0 Are we part of the problem of anger in our world or part of the solution?<\/p>\n

Last but not least, we can help reduce future feelings of anger by recognizing their triggers in us.\u00a0 By admitting to our anger triggers, we can better plan control strategies for the future.\u00a0 And, by knowing our anger triggers we can also explore the underlying causes of them.\u00a0 Are there issues of self-confidence or self-esteem involved in my anger?\u00a0 If so, how can I work to feel better about myself?\u00a0 If being angry at a lack of control over people or situations causes me to feel anger, what thoughts help me feel better?\u00a0 Might I focus on areas of life I can control – and simply accept the rest?\u00a0 Or, might I seek strategies to solve the problem and thus reassert control?\u00a0 If traffic makes me feel out of control and angry, perhaps I can drive at different times or use a different driving route or listen to soothing music or practice deep breathing.\u00a0 Those who are impotent, they rage and fume at the world.\u00a0 Those who are powerful, they work toward a solution.<\/p>\n

One of Jesus\u2019 primary concerns was the hypocrisy he saw in so-called moral and religious persons.\u00a0 Addressing that concern, he spoke against appearing outwardly good while being inwardly flawed.\u00a0 People can be like whitewashed tombs, he said.\u00a0 They can appear clean and bright on the outside but be dirty and full of death inside.\u00a0 To those who piously speak against adultery, he said that lusting in one\u2019s heart and mind is virtually the same thing as actually being unfaithful.\u00a0 Regarding perfectly valid opinions against murder and violence, he pointed out that people symbolically murder others with their inner anger even as they appear outwardly pleasant and nice.\u00a0 That can hold true for me and perhaps some of you.\u00a0 Outwardly, we can appear kind but inwardly we can seethe with bitter thoughts.\u00a0 We act on those thoughts by withholding affection, kindness and resolution of a problem.\u00a0 Some of us don\u2019t hide our anger but verbally abuse others as a result of angry feelings.\u00a0 Based on Jesus\u2019 ethics, however, if we hold onto or express uncontrolled and unresolved anger, we are no better than the violent thugs we all condemn.\u00a0 We have symbolically committed murder.<\/p>\n

But such anger and violence toward others is exactly what all of us oppose.\u00a0 We sing hymns yearning for peace.\u00a0 We pray against hate.\u00a0 I sign most of my e-mails and letters extending peace.\u00a0 If we actively seek peace in our world, if we speak against violence, rape, intolerance and hate, if we voice protest against war, if we decry horrible mass shootings, then we must also be true to those ideals with our hearts, minds, words and actions.\u00a0 We must seek to control the anger that poisons our souls.<\/p>\n

In the year ahead, I encourage us to consider the uncommon New Year\u2019s resolution to lengthen our anger fuses by learning and adopting ways to control it.\u00a0 Let us find solutions to issues that divide us and then let us open our hearts to show mercy and forgiveness to any and all who have angered us.\u00a0 If there is anyone in our lives right now with whom we hold active or suppressed anger, we must let it go.\u00a0\u00a0 Let us undertake in the weeks ahead to do so.\u00a0 We must search out that person and seek resolution of our issue with him or her.\u00a0 If they do not respond, we have done our part.\u00a0 If they do, we have helped build peace in our time.\u00a0 Whatever we do, we must forgive, let go and move on to renewed love.\u00a0\u00a0 Holding onto anger and expressing it in hateful or passive aggressive ways helps to destroy the world.\u00a0 Let us, instead, build a better world by resolving to build better, more peaceful and less angry selves.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And, indeed, I wish us all much peace and joy…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Message 118, \u201cUncommon New Year\u2019s Resolutions: Lengthening Our Anger Fuse\u201d, 1-13-13 (c) Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved   Download the message here. \u00a0   With my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, perhaps some of you have heard of the Anger Universal Church of America.\u00a0 It\u2019s a place that celebrates […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1877","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1877","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1877"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1877\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1877"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1877"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1877"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}