![\"\"](\"http:\/\/thegatheringcincinnati.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/07\/Adele.jpg\" "\\"Adele\\"")
<\/a><\/p>\nClick here to listen to the message or see below to read.<\/p>\n\n
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Using song as a means to get revenge on a past lover or partner has long been a part of rock and roll.\u00a0 Famous revenge songs go way back – at least to the 1970\u2019s.\u00a0 Nancy Sinatra wrote one of the first revenge songs.\u00a0\u00a0 She sang, \u201cThese boots are made for walkin, and that\u2019s just what they\u2019ll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!\u201d <\/strong><\/p>\n Carly Simon offered her own version of a revenge song directed at a previous lover – reportedly the actor Warren Beatty.\u00a0 Her song \u201cYou\u2019re So Vain\u201d claimed that a past lover would be so arrogant he would assume the song was about him.\u00a0 Of course, that must mean she had several past lovers all of whom might boast she was singing about them.<\/p>\n And the early 1980\u2019s singer Blondie – who I remember from my college days – sang a famous version \u201cOne Way or Another\u201d, an upbeat dance song, in which she fantasizes – one hopes – about doing off with her past lover by feeding him rat poison.<\/p>\n Today, one of the leading songs on the Billboard Top 100 is a piece entitled \u201cRolling in the Deep\u201d by the newly famous singer Adele.\u00a0 She won six grammy awards this past January including best pop singer and best album.\u00a0 That album, entitled \u201c21\u201d, surpassed the late Whitney Houston\u2019s \u201cBodyguard\u201d album for the most weeks at #1 in the nation.\u00a0 The song \u201cRolling in the Deep\u201d was selected by Rolling Stone<\/span> magazine as the best song of 2011.\u00a0 It is also the most popular world song in nearly three decades – finding its way to the top of lists in Britain, France, Latin America and 9 other nations.\u00a0 Let\u2019s listen now to \u201cRolling in the Deep\u201d…you can follow along with the lyrics printed on the back of your programs.<\/p>\n Some of you may remember our April message series entitled \u201cThe Gospel According to Dr. Seuss\u201d.\u00a0 I found positive insights from The Cat in the Hat<\/span>, Green Eggs and Ham<\/span> and The Lorax<\/span> but I disagreed strongly with Seuss\u2019 last book Oh, the Places You Will Go<\/span> for its simplistic message that one\u2019s success in life will be determined solely by hard work, perseverance and a pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality.<\/p>\n I have done the same thing with the songs I chose for this July series on finding inspiration in various current songs of note.\u00a0 \u201cThis Land is My Land\u201d recently re-recorded by Neil Young and \u201cSummertime\u201d from Porgy and Bess<\/span> both offer positive themes which speak to universal spiritual ideals.\u00a0 But what about today\u2019s song \u201cRolling in the Deep\u201d?\u00a0 Instead of finding helpful inspiration from it – I was struck by its angry and bitter tone.\u00a0 Far from offering spiritual inspiration, the song appeals to our baser selves – the inner demons in us that lust for revenge – especially against a lover, partner or spouse – who has deeply hurt us.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t want to play the pious Pastor and wag my finger at a song which is, after all, mostly for entertainment – and one that I enjoying for its beat and sound.\u00a0 Even so, as we have discussed over the past two weeks, songs have a unique ability to speak to the deepest parts of our souls.\u00a0 For any song, we must ask ourselves, does it ennoble us or does it pander to the darker recesses of human nature?<\/p>\n Experts and anthropologists note that the human desire for revenge comes from a survival instinct to lash back at someone that threatens.\u00a0\u00a0 Such behavior, experts assert, comes from the earliest days of our evolution.\u00a0 The human sense of reciprocity is operative – if you hurt me, I must hurt you back to keep things even.\u00a0 In order to maintain early social order, no individual could prosper through unfair actions – like stealing, murder or rape.\u00a0 Fairness demanded retribution.<\/p>\n Consistent with the idea that cooperation builds moral imagination, as humans evolved and moved toward organizing themselves into clans, tribes, cities and nations, individual vengeance became counter-productive.\u00a0 Violence tends to create more violence and vengeance is often more severe than the original misdeed.\u00a0 While humans are rational beings, nature has also given us passions far beyond our survival instincts.\u00a0\u00a0 Instead of reacting to an attack with defensive actions designed to protect – and then moving on, humans remember and ponder a perceived injustice long after any threat to one\u2019s survival has passed.<\/p>\n Vengeance, for humans, is thus often not a survival reaction but a selfish impulse.\u00a0 Our sense of self has been violated and we can only feel good about ourselves if we equally punish the other.\u00a0 Since humans lie, cheat, steal and act selfishly all the time, acts of vengeance could be very common.\u00a0 Social order and communal cooperation demanded humanity adopt attitudes to diminish anger.<\/p>\n While Adele laments the hurt of knowing she and her lover could have had it all – the so-called British slang term of rolling in the deep of total, loving commitment – she also angrily hopes he will suffer, despair and be forced to worry what she will do next.\u00a0 Beyond the humiliation of having her side of the break-up immortalized in song, this cad of a lover must now ponder the angry fire in her belly – the hate, bitterness and bile she has for him.\u00a0 Indeed, Adele admitted that the song was written as an \u201cf – you\u201d to her former boyfriend.\u00a0 He hurt me.\u00a0 I\u2019m gonna hurt him even worse.<\/p>\n While some may cheer Adele\u2019s strength and resolve not to be treated as a doormat, the ultimate message of the song is not uplifting.\u00a0 It tears down not only the ex-boyfriend, but Adele as well.\u00a0 She has descended to his apparent level of one who speaks and acts with selfish disregard for the other.\u00a0 BOTH of their actions are defined by their self-absorption.<\/p>\n Many experts and therapists, therefore, advocate the spiritual and practical benefits of forgiveness in romantic relationships.\u00a0 Instead of acting out and causing further hurt, or suppressing anger and putting it off for another day, forgiveness acknowledges anger and then consciously chooses to let it go.\u00a0 Forgiveness is a healthy response to a hurt.\u00a0 This not only benefits the offender but also the offended.\u00a0 Do we wish to stew in our own toxic brew of bitterness and bile, or do we aspire to live in peace?\u00a0 Which is more satisfying, less time-consuming and likely to produce happiness?<\/p>\n Too often we assume that forgiving someone is an act of weakness and that it encourages or even rewards bad behavior.\u00a0 One of the reasons Adele\u2019s song and other revenge songs are so popular is that they appeal to baser notions that we must fight back.\u00a0 The only way I can prove I am as strong as my opponent is to hit him too.<\/p>\n Counter-intuitively, to forgive is not a weak act.\u00a0 As Gandhi put it, \u201cForgiveness is an attribute of the strong.\u201d<\/strong>\u00a0 When we consciously refuse to hit back, when we turn the other cheek, when we choose love over anger, we choose to step outside the boundaries of natural behavior and into the realm of sublime and spiritual human power.<\/p>\n Indeed, to forgive a partner, spouse or anyone else is to offer one of the few forms of unconditional<\/span><\/em><\/strong> love we have to give.\u00a0 To forgive is to offer love in response to hate without any expectation of return.\u00a0 If the other does<\/span> change or is truly contrite, love has accomplished its goal to enlarge itself.\u00a0 If the other does not<\/span> change, one has still extended love into a world where there is so little of it.\u00a0 And one\u2019s soul has been enlarged as a result.<\/p>\n Such soul enhancement comes directly from moving beyond common human behavior.\u00a0 Striking back against someone who hurts us is a gross form of arrogance.\u00a0 We assume we are too good to be hurt.\u00a0 What we fail to remember is that we are also flawed and weak creatures.\u00a0 Each of us has hurt others.\u00a0 Try as we might, we are not perfect and we will hurt again – many, many times.<\/p>\n What Jesus encouraged and many experts echo is that we must refuse to render judgement on others.\u00a0 Moral indignation at a slight or hurt we suffer prevents us from seeing the act as part of human frailty.\u00a0 One of the most beautiful story lines in the New Testament is that of Jesus lovingly defending the woman caught in adultery.\u00a0 He challenged those who condemned her to a stoning death.\u00a0 \u201cWhich one of you has not also sinned?\u201d he asked.\u00a0 \u201cWhich one of you is blameless?\u00a0 Which one of you self-righteous men have not also lusted or sexually sinned?\u00a0 Let only he who is perfect throw the first stone.\u201d<\/p>\n Implicit in Jesus\u2019 defense of the woman is the idea that by forgiving others, we are ultimately pleading to be forgiven ourselves.\u00a0 I have hurt many people in my life and yet, if I choose to react with anger towards someone who has hurt me, I implicitly shut the door to receiving any forgiveness myself – past, present or future.\u00a0 Jesus said that we must forgive as we too wish to be forgiven.\u00a0 \u201cBut I tell you who are willing to listen,\u201d<\/strong> he said, \u201clove your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you.\u00a0 To him who strikes you on the cheek, offer also the other.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n By understanding the human frailty of our offenders, we empathize with their actions and thus enlarge love.\u00a0 We need not condone the hurtful acts but we instead seek to understand the deeper motivation behind them.\u00a0 The offender may not have intended to do harm or he or she may have acted because of some past injury to his or her soul.\u00a0\u00a0 Empathy involves choosing to walk in their shoes and see as they see.\u00a0 If we do so, we not only draw closer to the offender, we deliberately promote love.<\/p>\n Such was the case of the adulterous woman Jesus saved from stoning.\u00a0 Later on, we see her pouring extremely expensive lotion on Jesus – using her hair as a cloth.\u00a0 By experiencing his forgiveness, she was a changed woman and her heart overflowed with love and gratitude.\u00a0 The power of forgiveness was greater than any misdeed.<\/p>\n When we choose to understand hurtful behavior, we might also discover our own role in being hurt.\u00a0 Many times, in big or small ways, we have contributed to the situation.\u00a0 We are often partially at fault.\u00a0 In many relationship disputes, blame can be assigned to both persons.\u00a0 Genuine forgiveness of the other then must include a sincere examination of one\u2019s own role in the hurt – followed by forgiveness for the offender and oneself.\u00a0 The goal, once again, in relationship disagreements or break-ups is to diffuse anger, restore peace and renew love.\u00a0 Holding onto bitterness, anger and thoughts of vengeance do not create peace or build love.<\/p>\n It is important to recognize that forgiveness does not mean one prevents the law of consequences from happening.\u00a0 Forgiveness does not replace justice.\u00a0 It merely diffuses hate and anger.\u00a0 Justice may demand compensation, apology or changed behavior.\u00a0 The law of consequences assumes that boundaries are established so that offenders reap what they sow and cannot indiscriminately repeat their actions.\u00a0 If you strike me, I will forgive you and work to eliminate my anger and thoughts of retribution, but I will take steps to prevent myself from being struck again.<\/p>\n Indeed, to forgive is a loving act that may also require tough love.\u00a0 I will not hate you for what you have done and I will not seek vengeance against you but I will explore ways to encourage you to change.\u00a0 I will not be a doormat but I will also NOT enable your negative behavior by seemingly condoning it.\u00a0 If you lie to me, I may not trust you until you re-earn it.\u00a0 If you verbally hurt me, I may not engage in conversation with you when you are angry.\u00a0 If you continually hurt me, I may choose to separate myself from you but I will not hate you nor will I speak to you in anger.<\/p>\n Ultimately, what we gain when we forgive and refuse to harbor anger is a triumph of our goodness.\u00a0 By refusing to play the victim, by refusing to see ourselves as someone who is hurt and angry, we not only renounce the petty demands of our selfish demons, we assert our power and strength over the situation.\u00a0 No longer does the offender have control because of his or her actions.\u00a0 When we forgive, we take back control.\u00a0 We are the ones determining the course of events.\u00a0 We are not the pitiful victim wallowing in a sea of self-focused anger and despair, but the one who has truly overcome.\u00a0 We are not the loser but the victor.<\/p>\n I have told some of you about my past divorce from the mother of my daughters.\u00a0 Despite the hurt from finding out I am gay, Kirby was not angry or vindictive.\u00a0 In ways that I can only partially understand, she must have felt all the confusion a woman feels when she realizes a man she loves is not attracted to her.\u00a0 That must have hurt her very deeply but it did not cloud our years of mutual affection.\u00a0 Neither of us were perfect in our marriage and yet we did love each other.\u00a0 She came to understand why I married her and she empathized with my need to move on.\u00a0 We easily managed a division of our assets and we committed to jointly raising our girls.\u00a0 We remain good friends and I will always know her as my first love.\u00a0 This gracious and beautiful woman gave me a gift of unconditional love and forgiveness for the pain I caused.\u00a0 What I did was not deliberate, but it was still an act born of fear and cowardice.\u00a0 But the past is the past and we produced two gorgeous and thriving daughters whom we would not have were we not married.<\/p>\n The pathway to forgiveness is easy to know but difficult to follow.\u00a0 First, one should acknowledge the hurt one feels.\u00a0 Don\u2019t suppress such feelings.\u00a0 Second, find ways to be at peace about the hurt – use meditation, prayer, or reflection.\u00a0 Third, take inventory of the offender – be willing to see the whole person and focus particularly on what is good.\u00a0 Work to think loving thoughts toward the other by remembering his or her kindnesses and positive qualities.\u00a0 Fourth, find empathy for the one who hurt you.\u00a0 Seek to understand why he or she acted as they did.\u00a0 Put yourself in their shoes and see the situation from their perspective.\u00a0 Fifth, honestly examine if you contributed to the hurtful act.\u00a0 Don\u2019t accept blame where there is none, but be willing to see your own role in the episode if there is one.\u00a0 Sixth, accept that true love for the other may include appropriate boundaries designed to protect yourself and prevent future pain.\u00a0 Allow for natural consequences to occur – not ones you create to punish the other.\u00a0 Seventh, make a conscious decision to speak with peace and kindness to the other.\u00a0 Tell him or her you forgive them and express your love for them.\u00a0 Forgiveness is not an instant act.\u00a0 It is a process.<\/p>\n My friends, hurt happens.\u00a0 We can often act as brutes toward one another – especially those closest to us.\u00a0 But the greatest statement that might be said of any of us – now or long after we are gone – is that we were a forgiving person.\u00a0 As Jesus said, those who build peace, who work to diffuse violence and retribution are those who will truly inherit the earth.\u00a0 This is a vision which I believe is an evolutionary possibility for humanity one day – hatred will end, cooperation will prevail, diversity will be embraced, selfishness will cease, and the lion will, indeed, figuratively lie with the lamb.\u00a0 If this world that we envision is to come to pass, it can begin with us – in our relationships with partners, family and friends. \u00a0There is far too much hurt in the world.\u00a0 Let us do the work we are called to do as a part of any faith community \u2013 may we strive to diminish pain in ourselves and in others.\u00a0 May we sing not songs of bitterness, but songs of love, peace and forgiveness…<\/p>\n I wish you, one and all, peace, joy and love\u2026<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Message 101, Summer Songs for Inspiration: \u2018Rolling in the Deep\u2019 by Adele, 7-15-12 \u00a9 \u00a0Doug Slagle, Pastor at the Gathering UCC, All Rights Reserved Click here to listen to the message or see below to read. Using song as a means to get revenge on a past lover or partner has long been a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1664","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1664","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1664"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1664\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gnhuu.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}